Why I'm here in the first place:
I have endured humiliating and cruel psychological abuse from my father from infancy through adolescence. Unfortunately he got to me when I was at my most vulnerable and my neuroplasticity most, well. plastic. Now that my parents are divorced I am free, free to feel angry and hurt. I wasn't allowed to when I lived with him. Now, at age 24 I find myself looking for justice for myself, for a resolution when conflict ensues...with strangers. A lady spat at me the other day because I tried to make a left turn and she did not want to let me in. I wanted desperately to talk to her, to tell her I didn't want to make her angry, I didn't want to upset her, i just wanted to turn in because traffic was rough. I desperately wanted to make ammends with this stranger in the car. But when I rolled down my window she spat at me. I followed her. At a red light she got out of her car and cursed me out and tried to vilify me by saying I almost plowed into her car while her son was inside, but the reason our cars got so close was because she sped up quickly so I couldn't get in. She was the one who almost plowed into me with her son in the car! I just said why can we just talk? over and over but she kept yelling and cursing at me.

People have too much pain in their own lives, so why would she have cared about my pain? Who knows what her life is like, maybe she raises her son on her own. I don't know. The point is i desperately seek resolution and understanding between parties when someone behaves aggressively towards me. When they get angry at me, when they yell at me, when they curse at me, when the vilify me, when the belittle me, I want so badly for them not to be mad at me anymore, to make some sort of amends that results in mutual understanding, an exchange of apologies, and a loving embrace. But this is a fantasy, and it kills me that this is all it can ever be.

I know I seek this from others who treat me this way because I wanted it to work out that way when my father would hurt me. A 3 year old hiding in the dirty laundry crying and I wanted him to say he was sorry. I wanted him to stop yelling at me, stop being mad at me.So even when its a stranger it hurts like it did when I was a child all over again. I cant tell you the extent of the abuse. I don't know if people can understand.

I know others have endured worse, so I am grateful for blessings I do have, at least I have a loving a courageous mother.

So what are you looking for?
I desperately would like to meet an experienced therapist who can guide me through sessions of psychedelic psychotherapy. I know it isn't advertised (for obvious reasons) and there is a small group of therapists who do it thanks to word of mouth. Basically it is very difficult to find a therapist who knows to do it and would be willing.

I suffer from anxiety and panic disorder and I have found that LSD lifts the heavy load that we carry because of ego - quite literally in fact, my body feels more comfortable and less heavy. With lightened load of the ego I find myself blissfully peaceful state. I have had similar effects with low doses of psilocybin, however I have not used DMT.

1. I suspect I can get a longer lasting more transformative experience if there is someone with whom I can discuss my internal dialogues as I am having them, especially someone who has experience functioning as a guide in this capacity. What do you think? Is this incorrect? Can I get the same results if I just trip alone or a trusted friend? Honestly idk if I have any friends who would want to take on a 10 hour journey inside my head with me....

2. Does anyone know how I can find a psychedelic psychotherapist? I don't even know where to begin!

All suggestions welcome! But most important to me is finding a psychedelic psychotherapist!!

I hope each day someone smiles at you, whoever you are reading this, I hope that everyday someone smiles at you or says simple, kind words. I am sorry for anytime anyone has ever mistreated you with harsh speech or action. I love you.

It might be a long shot, but you could ask at MAPS if they have any study going where you qualify, or if they have any other advice.

Have you tried with regular therapy at all? Perhaps combining a regular therapy with a good therapist you trust and personal, intentional use can already help. I definitely think that self-therapy can work out, but the success would probably depend on a lot of things. A therapist for example might know where to insist, while you might shy away. I don't know.

In any case I wish you good luck.

I'm living proof that you can get results. I have a similar past. Severe abuse of all kinds from my biological father (who I didn't live with but saw on weekends) and also from my stepfather and mother who were both alcoholics.

After seeking treatment from doctors and therapists I just decided I needed to heal myself. It can be done but it can also be a bit...difficult.

You do need friends and loved ones to talk to and confide in. I completely understand when you say you don't have friends who would want to take a 10 hour trip in your mind That can be a little too...real for most people.

I'm not sure how you would go about finding a therapist who would work with you in a psychedelic context. I really had no choice to just dive in head first, alone. I stumbled along the way, and it was a very harrowing few years. But I succeeded in finding that healing I desperately needed.

I would suggest you read some Carl Jung. That really helped me through a lot while I was tripping solely for self-therapy.

If you do all the integration and get your life balanced then psychedelics can do amazing things for someone in your position. Trust me

Much love!

My best therapist are the plants themselves. I've learnt more from them than any man could.
I prefer tripping in solitary if I'm trying to sort out an issue I have, whether it be loneliness, depression etc because it's really quite personal and I feel like if other people are around I can't get to the core of my pain.

First of all welcome and congratulations for the job you have done by now. It seems that you are on the right path and you have already achieved some personal successes.

Although I have never attented a psychologist, I think that if you find a right one, it can be very beneficial to your healing process. Unfortunately this is the biggest problem - finding the proper psychotherapist. I personally think that most of the classical psychology schools aren't very effective and even amongts these people the majority don't have a clue what they are doing. They just rush to finish the university and receive the diploma as fast as possible blindly learning everthing they are thought. In other words if you don't find an experienced and very open-minded psychologist then I wouldn't advise going to a standard one.

It also depends on your character. For some people psychotherapy guided by a proffesional is more required than for others. For instance I have always been stubborn no matter what. This feature contributed to both reaching the bottom faster and then finding the way out alone. Lots of people wanted to help me with the traditional method which I believe would prolonged my healing for tens of years.

Now if you have a very trusted and close friend, who is wise, emphathic and preferably of the opposite sex, it should be enough. This person can often intuitevely guide the psychotherapeutic process when necessary and help you in those dark moments of bad trips.

I would advise you to expand your conceptual framework by reading some books. Like Metanoia I recommend Carl Jung, especially his book "Memories, dreams, reflections". His ideas of shadow, anima and animus and the necessary interdependence of good and evil you might find especially interesting. Another author is Stanislav Grof and his book Ultimate journey. His psychedelic sessions with music and closed eyes is something you could implement in your autotherapy and it is something which helped me tremendously. The last author is Alan Watts, who should cheer you up in the moments of great doubt and emptiness.

Good luck on your road!

There are a few options besides finding a "psychedelic therapist". In any case you are going to want to find a therapist you can create a good rapport with and meet with them several times to develop a strong level of trust between both parties. Once you have developed this trust you could inquire as to scheduling say a 4 hour appointment that you just happen to show up to under the influence of MDMA. This way the responsibility is solely upon you and the therapist does not risk losing licensure, which they work really really hard to obtain.

Anne Shulgin insists that a good hypnotherapist can do everything that can be done in a psychedelic session, and can do it even more effectively; believe you me, she would know. She recommends finding a therapist trained in the Ericksonian method.

Alternately you could ask your therapist how such a session could be created outside the office, perhaps they could offer a series of questions and techniques geared to your situation and you could have a friend sit for a session and walk you through the recommended plan.

You could work alone with the medicines as others have suggested and use a therapist to help integrate and understand your experiences as well. In the end I think the most important part is finding a therapist you can really connect well with and feel comfortable approaching these kind of topics which are still very much taboo in the profession.

I wish you all the best, may you find the healing and understanding you seek.

-Namaste

One thing that people haven't suggested yet is trying to find some kind of spirituality.

I know there are a lot of Nexians who look down on organized religion (for better or for worse), but it is an indisputable fact that the community and spirituality associated with some kind of group worship can be very helpful and healing.

You don't have to become a born-again Christian, by any means. You could look at the Unitarian Universalists, who are very good at welcoming and accepting people of all faiths and spiritualities, or maybe you could find some kind of local temple where you could practice meditation and mindfulness.

And, of course, if you really feel like psychedelics are what you need, Ayahuasca or Psilocybin both have been shown to have powerful, positive transformational properties. If you could get down to the Amazon to have a real ceremony with a real shaman, that would probably be best, however, even just going out to some beautiful, remote natural place on a nice day and tripping can be a wonderfully healing experience (it was for me).

Whatever you do, I highly recomend you do it in conjunction to real therapy. Sometimes the best thing can be talking about the issues you're experiencing and trying to work through them sober.

I DON'T recommend showing up to your therapists office under the influence of MDMA, that is incredibly risky and really throws a lot of the trust you may have built with the therapist out the window.

Blessings
~ND

You clearly misunderstand what I am proposing. This would of course be discussed with the therapist beforehand. You don't just show up on MDMA, the idea is that the therapist doesn't GIVE you the MDMA thus endangering their licensure. This is how most psychedelic friendly therapists will handle this situation because they do not want to risk losing their license.