I realize I was being stupid. I also came to realize my fear stemmed from losing the grasp I had on the pure love I had in myself. By focusing on it I propelled it. It's funny how obvious it is now. My awareness and myself took a drop into a place of unconsciousness and I think I wanted that unconsciously to see if I could come back. To reaffirm something perhaps? That I'll be ok and I can rise again to my previous states. So once I forget and stop focusing on this seed then it will simply vanish? or will it dwell unconsciously until I destroy it?
I know what I want and know that I'll get there. It just seems I need to be more positive because that is key.
Overall this experience was a good lesson. Taught me to remain positive and stop dwelling on bad thought loops. Bad side is I'm in a lower state but things will return.

I hope you dont think I was calling you stupid when I said it was a silly thing (if you look at it objectivly or truthfuly is what I meant). Also there is nothing wrong with exploring your ideas or seeing how far you can go either. That is the point of psychedelics I think to exlplore yourself and maybe other selfs to see what could be.

Yes you could destroy the idea of this seed as valid and it is not something for you or maybe it isnt usefull for you. You could just learn from this experience and eventually you will just move on. You are right, you wont always feel this lost and at some point you will come out of it. Maybe you are just having a rough patch in life right now. Im sorry for that but as they say life isnt always peaches and cream. lol.

No not at all I took no emotions from it. It was just a realization I had of myself. Life is going great, I was living the dream but I just played with reality and am paying for it. So it is rough due to my own choices. If I simply forget about it will it dissapear? I have learned from it. I focused on a thought pattern and propelled it.

I am guilty of unhealthy thought patterns myself from time to time. That is what I do with unhealthy or problematic thoughts, just push them away and tell myself that Im getting nothing productive from them and they are useless to me. Of course sometimes they come back lol but hopefully I just put a stop to it again if I need too.

If there is another reason I keep getting these negative thoughts and feelings I try to figure out what that is and make changes in myself if that is where the problem lies. Often I realize that if it is something or someone elses problem then there is nothing I can do about them anyways and it is useless to worry about something that I cannot change. Best of luck to you.

I havent experienced spice yet but I always look at it this way. Would you rather stay negative when bad things hapen or you can always be positive and when bad things do happen just stay possitive and enjoy everything. When I do this I never feel down.

Anxiety keeps the thoughts there. I'm aware of it. It's hard to enjoy everything when you feel you have lost it all. the only thing keeping me up is knowing the truth of what I am and what I have been.
Positivity is key but being in a void and feeling like I've lost myself has kept me down.

it's ironic that I feared change and i ended up changing yet the fear remains

First of all don't destroy, or try to deny anything. Acceptance is the only way to understand, heal, and progress from anything. By denying it, you will be denying a part of yourself, and will create a split within your being

Secondly, this "I focused on a thought pattern and propelled it," maybe better suited to say "I got attached to a thought pattern and manifested it"? The attachment (or identification with) is what feeds it, otherwise any thought can come up, and you can just look at it and drop it (or just let it pass by, like watching a car on the side of the road), this cuts the physical manifestation of the mental idea.

Also, what exactly is "this seed" that you're referring to? fear? look into that fear and try to find its roots. And it will not dwell in the unconscious if you don't push it there. Denying it will push it there. Don't deny it, accept it. Once you accept its existence (because it IS there) then you can consciously look at it from every angle and understand it fully. Once understood fully, it drops its hold on you

i feel i have accepted it. it's taken over. the fear stems from the loss of my security of self, my love, my enlightenment, my awareness, my memories, my beliefs, the fear i will lose my heightened state. . Which i have at this point. So how is this fear still here?

When you say "it's taken over" you're separating yourself, from "it". So, YOU are the host, but you've allowed "it" to run your party. You need to get grounded in the fact that YOU are still the host, and it's YOUR house (your being)

Now that doesn't mean to be antagonistic with the fear, because if you're antagonistic then you'll just repress it and push it into the basement, where "it" will still be, but then you won't be conscious of it or it's expressions through you. Just accept it as a part of your system and be aware of it. Try to find the roots of this fear... you say "how is it still there", I don't know. But it's still there. So it hasn't been properly understood. I don't have your subjectivity of this fear, your particular experience, so I don't know what kind of fear it is. If it was truly fear of a loss, and you've lost, then what's there to fear?

Also within gaining, you already start losing. If you can gain something, then you can lose it as well, one is implied in the other. So there's no reason to cling, no purpose to it. Anything that you gain you can't keep forever, you will lose it. Find that which you've always had which can never be lost But that's a task outside of the fear issue, try to understand the fear totally

How will I know when I've conquered it? My check is to see if I have regained myself but idk if it will simply return to my previous state of awareness by conquering it.

I wouldn't say gained it was more of a becoming. You can't gain what you are I guess you could say.

Well by saying I know nothing and escalating the fear of losing myself which started a chain reaction to more fear. I think it's the fear that I will fail without it. The fear that I had finally been at peace, happy, secure, and living the dream and then lost it. I don't know when I will have conquered it though. It's hard to feel it now and I need to be present more than ever.

you can't "conquer" it, you can't "own" it, you can't "achieve" or "accomplish" it (but you can certainly try), when you are not, it is


As for the fear, It seems like it's coming from the ego unwilling to surrender totally... somewhere there are still pockets which haven't been fully understood, some ambition mayhaps

In any case that's about as far as I've went as well, momentary ON only to get thrown off again, I don't think it's ever lost tho I just think we build barriers around ourselves that keep it from fully coming forward (in this case that feeling of love, awareness, etc) so it's not a question of finding it, but a question of which barriers, and how we go about preventing the unfolding process. It's an uncovering, or re-discovering, not a conquering, accomplishing, or possessing

As for the fear, I know it's an integral part of the process, and must be properly understood, because I have it too, but my situation does not necessitate me to consciously confront it yet (cuz I have other binding problems), so I can't tell you much more about it from experience. Best of luck tho, chin up, and just be aware of your entire situation and eventually the clues will come


Also look into being, not becoming. You can't become what you are, you can only become what you are not; but you'll always be that which you are, uncover being ^_^

Dear ledsmoke,

It seems that you think you have a problem and it needs a solution. Can you see you are fine as you are right now, in your discomfort, in your fear, in you confusion?
Do you dare to be as you are right now? Can you open yourself to where you already are?

Even trying to escape your present experiences is totally fine.


Take a deep breath, follow the air going in, empowering your body. Feel your body. Notice that you are aware of your hands and of your feet. You can feel the position of your feet without looking at them. Notice the sensations in your feet and in your hands. The longer you are being aware of your body, the stronger you will feel it being alive.

Now is there anything that really shouldn't be there?

Must I have another awakening then after suffering?

to possibility I am fine but losing my mind like this is not cool. I can't remember stuff or I simply think I can't I guess.
It's hard for me to be present here and now.

I just keep getting more confused and frustrated. I must accept this fear but how exactly do I do that? You say letting it take over is wrong so I just need to observe it? Should I spend my day observing how I feel cause I think about nothing else except this daily trying to accept it

Just let it be, don't do anything with it. It's there, just let it be, it's not going anywhere, if you focus on it then it becomes an incessant problem. Detach your focus, leave it alone. When you're ready to confront it, analyze it or try to understand it, it will still be there. If it's not, then good for you, one less thing to worry about.


In any case you say you find it difficult to be in the present. lulz you're always IN the present, you can't be anywhere else. Mentally tho, it seems like you're still in the past, in your moment weeks ago. That moment is gone, you can't wish it back, and mental or psychological attachment to that moment will not help you. Be greateful to it, be thankful that it happened, learn from it, and let it go. Then the possibility opens up for it to come again.

If you look at eastern religious literature, this moment is referred to as "satori", if I understood you rightly. The momentary opening is satori, it has a beginning and an end, the eternal opening is samadhi, with a beginning, but no end. Awakening and staying awake, so to speak. It's a happening tho, it's not something you can achieve or attain, so desire for it is useless. Through awareness tho you can drop a lot of personal barriers that you may still have. So just be aware, do your daily thing, find a balance in your life, and do whatever internal work you gotta do

Trying to accept is useless. Something is or something isn't. Everything is already accepted in. I've got this perspective from Jeff Foster - The deepest acceptance, which I can recommend .

I think these fragments of Mooji are very nice and applicable.

Mooji - Don't do anything
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k90ACXCZ0JI

Five Star Problems
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKzT-tNoxZ4

well it's neither accepted fully or unaccepted apparently. it is just creating anxiety so it is hard for me to be present mentally. I do know i'm always in the moment but my mind is not

is it creating anxiety because you want to be rid of it? or to have it resolved? you can't because subconsciously the attitude is already against it, somewhere. Why be against it if you don't even know what it is?

Sometimes anxiety comes out of the split between what we are, and how we want to be... the tension between the two creates anxiety. Drop "wanting to be" and accept "what you are", something can only ever be done with what you are.

What do you mean idk what it is? It has caused a hate in me due to desire. Accept what i am? I have no sense of self atm. Identified with the mind.

I can accept what i said but idk if this will keep me from iidentifying with the mind or living in the moment.

is it a self-hate?

there's nothing wrong with desire as long as it's objectless, pure, not goal-oriented. If desire is for something then it goes outside of self. But we desire constantly, so I think there's value in trying to understand the total nature of desire itself.

Also nothing wrong with making a mistake.

What I mean when I say you don't know what it is, you don't know it's total significance, everything has a place and a role, every energy. Tho for what it's worth I don't know it's full significance either.


As far as accepting what you are, I mean accept yourself totally as you are, including the part that has no sense of self atm... accept yourself in whatever condition you are, and just be aware of the little nuances. As for mind identification, that is bound to happen, but no worries, every time you notice you're identified, just bring yourself out. Place the significance on getting dis-identified with mind, and don't worry about the times you find yourself caught in it. I get caught up in it a thousand times a day, but when I catch myself identified with mind I just bring myself out, and it gets to be a little easier every day but it's a slow process. It may go on chattering at times, just let it chatter, watch it chatter, no worries.. just be aware of it. Eventually the chatter will die down the more awareness of it grows

i do not desire material items.

it is self hate,I've been observing my mood change to that of frustration and some what anger.
I get ticked at the little things right now. I can no longer read with people around.

monkey mind hasn't been a problem of mine until now, I've never suffered extreme thoughts like this. I don't think I know how to disidentify from it anymore, I haven't slept in 5 daysvdue to my mind going a million mph.