So you can't escape you're past, especially if its served in the form of an arrest warrant in the county of XXXXXXX.

It's not like I didn't know about it, and it's something that I should have dealt with, but which a character flaw called fear prevented, but I was gaffled up after having police contact almost two weeks ago on a warrant for a seven year old misdie that i failed to appear on sentencing for.
Hey, they let me out, and I was strung out- I didn't go to court.

Then, I would've have gotten a minute, now my public pretender says I'll be lucky to get 90.
The da also does not want to recommend work release, which means I'll default on my student loans. I fear I'll be over 20 grand in debt, with nothing to show.

I began to think that my entire world had stopped making sense, there's so much more going on that I'm not gonna get into, and a severe lack of sleep made that even harder, but now I'm starting to put the connections together.

Temporal waves from past reach into or present, causing events that are reactions to the chaotic ripples. Nothing has ever ''happened'', there has been conscious decision behind everything that's ever occurred in this life.

The thing is, how do I maintain my present to prevent this crisis to crisis roller coaster that life has been.
It's all about learning how to make rational, good decisions and taking the right steps to reach the places I want to go. Kinda like chess, life is, the thing is, when one spends two decades of it doing the things and making the decisions that one has to in order to get the next shot like I did, then an entire new cognitive skill set must be learned and adopted, or one gets check mated even when doing what they think is the right thing.
I thought I was doing the right thing, but I see that I was running from my past, and I'm just not that fast.

Things will work out, they always do, but i need this shit to stop if i really intend to be any kind of voice for the psychedelic healing movement.

The thing that scares me the most is the judges that sit in XXXXX county may have a personal financial interest in locking me up through financial interests in the jail.

Welcome to Amerika, land of the scared.

Sorry you have got to go do a bid. Happens to the best of us, especially with this countries fucked up drug laws.

With that being said, I question how wise it is to give out identifying information such as what county and state you are being incarcerated in on the same board where you discuss extracting illegal drugs, and possibly even have a picture of yourself in your avatar.

There are a whole lot of details I would take out of this post if I were you, but maybe I am just the paranoid type.

I would seriously consider editing that post, it is in your own best interests.

Again, sucks you gotta go to jail but you can make it man.

null24, I find myself agreeing with alerts post hence Ive taken the liberty of amending your post in a way which doesnt detract from its essence.

Be strong my man.

Sorry to hear about your travails. We are with you bro, and sympathize... whatever that may be worth.

I read your Acacia Goo report, and so I know about your insomnia issues. I am sure this is all very trying for you. Hang in there amigo, I am sure you will persevere.

You need to sleep though, and if you have to find some aids for that, I would do so. Melatonin, GABA, Phenibut, Valerian Root... the list goes on. You should be able to find something to knock you out. A turkey meal might do the trick.

Really awful to hear that justice is not blind where you live. You would think that conflicts of interest like that would be illegal. I smell a class action law suit, and perhaps some overturning of sentences... someone needs to talk to a good lawyer... one not from the region preferably.

Again, bro... all the best. Be strong, and maybe consider moving somewhere more chill when you get out. The Pacific Northwest is full of places that will be less repressive.

Peace be with you.
HF

Thanks y'all, and I guess yer right re busting myself,
I've never sat in a cell saying to myself, ''gee, now THAT was a good decision'' but busting myself would be the stupid hat on that clown.

Anyway I've checked myself into hospital for anxiety and exhaustion, truly need the sleep.
It's hard though, there's a benzo/heroin OD across the hall, chick next to me is threatening staff for opiates. A psychotic having a tough time is screaming and another old man is throwing up loudly.

It's all up to me now, I shouldn't have let this thing go before I embarked on this journey out of eternal night into the light.

There's resistance to all positivity though, it's a simple principle.

Thank you all, as always the support of the nexus is right up there with the support that comes from my faith and from my life partner's love, and they are equally invaluable.

This may be the land of the fear, but out here in the badlands, we are making plans

Love and endless light, even if I'm inside, where else to spread the message could be better?

.

Oh I think I forgot to put in the whole reason for the fear over judges having a financial interest in locking people up.
The three that sit in #$@+ county, actually OWN THE COUNTY JAIL.yep, private prison industry.
Plus the only protein on the 1800 cal/day diet comes from one of the ass hats turkey farm.
Conflict of interest, or is it just perfect?

Court tomorrow, and so far the offer stands. I has wanted my girl and her mother to be there to show I have people out here, and to have a tram of letters from people who have worked with me and seen my progression out of active heroin addiction-which was from the origin of my crime-and to get money together to toss the bastards, but I've kinda been abandoned by everyone around me, and the holiday weekend f-ed.my ability to contact anyone at work, AND I'm broke. At least I have school transcripts a and a class schedule for the fall.
I'm scared as hell though, and feel mighty alone. I see a lot of this more clearly now, but still don't grasp why everyone ran away.
It hurts, really really bad.

im sorry man, i can understand that feeling of being abandoned. ALthough most times after really looking hard it wasnt really people bailing on me, it was a conglomerate of situations that coincided and looked like abandonment.

Sucks that your gonna go to jail, but I can always look back at bad situations and see a positive outcome stemming from that exact situation. Life is for learning, and that we do. That we do.

You're dealing with an insane situation right now, and I don't have advice (never been there).

We're here for you. Best of luck.

Ok, this has been a tough one.
A real karmic slap in the face life lesson and it keeps going on to be honest, but perseverance seems to be a crucial key.

Stuff got real weird, and of were not for the presence of the support I've built online, I would have lost everything in the real world. Not material shit, but the things that really matter-faith, hope, love, the core ideals that are the make-up of who I am and what I represent these days. Big things.

Once again, in a time of crisis, the real support I received came from people I don't 'know', and the advice I got from them enabled me to save those things.

When in hell, burn. I was told that all I could do was hang, and twist, and burn. That I could be judged for something I did in a desperate situation, but not on the content of my character by these people.

I was told that all I could do was too let go of all those things that mean so much. It's kinda like that stupid postcard sentiment-something about if something doesn't come back to you, it was never yours in the first place. I let go.

Everything came back, everything is being restored, stronger than it was, the perseverance of faith, and the absence of attachment gave me the inner space to find some quiet in all the chaos, and in that silence I could hear my inner voice, literally my voice, so I could articulate with reason and understanding what I needed to, to the people I needed to.

I saw suddenly why i felt abandoned. I was being left, it was ME who left. My baby has been left by every person she's ever loved, and who she thought loved her. While I have no intention of doing so, to her it didn't matter, I WA leaving, in a time of our life together when she really needs me to be there.
I felt horrible, there was no promise I could make her and not be lying.

Then I had court, and somehow was able too articulate to the judge my situation, the circumstances surrounding the action that brought me before him, my work to change that, and my intention to make restitution. Despite the DA's offer of 90, I got bench probation and a fine.

I was picked up on finals day, and feared that I failed all my classes, but somehow recieved two B's a C, that while that drops my GPA at least aren't F's.

So wow, this was a test, and that have ONLY been a test is what scares me. Theses a long road ahead, but with Love Faith and Perseverance, it will be made wide, clear, and with many kind hosts along the way.

Peace.
In LVX