Hey everyone. First time post here. This is going to be really long, but I'm looking for some wisdom from people with experience and I think being long winded is the only way I can do it. If you are willing to read through this and offer some insight, I really appreciate it.

I have not taking any psychedelics in about 7 years. I quit when I was 22 after 3.5 years of heavy use. Now I am thinking about resuming, possibly with DMT. The only way I can express why it is a difficult decision is to talk about my history. Here is the gist -

When I was 18 I started smoking pot and introduced to psychedelics shortly afterwards. I felt like I had finally come home after a childhood and adolescence of generally being not at ease. I quickly became very interested in shamanism and believed in the power of the chemicals in a serious way.

Only about 10 or so experiences into my psychedelic 'career', I ate an 1/8th of mushroom with syrian rue, and played electric guitar while tripping for the first time, accompanied by a friend on drums. Words cannot express how heavy that experience was. I was out of body for periods, felt that I was being used as a puppet by super beings, felt sure I had an 8 foot tall shadow self full of power that could be called upon, saw all sorts of Mayan and jungle OEVs, and watched my friend and I float off on a spaceship at the end, which was clearly headed back in time to serve as a sign of what is possible to early mankind.

Well I was never the same after that. Not too long after, I had my one and only successful ayahuasca experience. It was the most beautiful experience I've had. It was bliss and imagery and then the / a Goddess visited me, told me that she loved me, that we are together and great visions were in our future.

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I tried to make ayahuasca a couple more times and it didn't work. I got the impression that I was being blocked for some reason. Sadly, I kind of lost it after that point. I wanted to trip all the time, and I more of less did. I went through a connection dry spell and did a lot of DXM, which had real side effects. Then I got a variety of RCs and had a few heavy experiences and a lot of frustrating ones.

I lost contact with the Goddess and feminine energy in general. Things felt bleak, so I just tripped more often, eventually mostly on 2C-I. The mindfuck end of things dominated me.

The consequences of thought experiments and perceptions seemed so real. I felt like I was in a battle to preserve the possibility of goodness, which had somehow gone missing. That the universe was not necessarily going to be OK. Or that I was at risk of being trapped forever in a unreal delusion that would separate me from what is real, good and other beings. I felt if other entities were still around, I was being abused by them.

After something like a year of unhappy and excessive psychedelic use in that mindset, pounding my head against the wall, I broke through in a surprising way.

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On a high does of 2C-I, I watched the outside world just crumble into blocks in this eruptive moment, then rebuild in new way. Things were different. At the risk of sounding mad, I felt that I had become some sort of 'cosmic dancer'. When I moved, the universe changed. I thought I was changing things in a very real way. That somehow I had plugged into an ability to influence past events/thoughts/intentions to make a 'now' that I preferred.

Things got pretty weird at that point. That 'dancer' perception did not go away. I reconnected with feminine spirits and that was a huge relief. I started interacting with entities a lot, though always through a veil, rarely clearly. I felt that my life was being watched and that I was doing something very important for the good of the world.

I turned 21 shortly after 'the wall fell', and moved back into my parents house, after dropping out of college for the second time. They knew I was non-functional from drugs, but didn't realize how on the edge I was. I didn't really have friends any more at this point.

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Over the course of that summer I did a lot of 2C-I and mushrooms. I freaked out on twice, very badly. One night I threatened to kill my dad, accusing him of raping me as a child (I don't know if actual abuse occurred or not, but it was an idea that brewed for a while). Maybe a month later, I took a ton of mushrooms and for some reason felt that I needed to disassemble my parents basement and then run around the outside the house naked. I thought I was going to die, and thoughts of inducing it occurred to me. My parents noticed and called an ambulance and cops. I was tackled, struggled, taken to a hospital in handcuffs and was knocked out for 2 days. Both of those freakouts haunt me.

I went to rehab at my parents demand a few weeks later. I only slowed down after the spaz outs. It was not difficult for me to admit that I was out of control and could not stop.

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Over the next 9 months, I weaned off, never taking big doses or feeling comfortable. I felt like I had nowhere to go, gave it up and got sober at 22. Sobriety in the 12 steps manner. It was the full 'in the program' experience.

It took me a while to really come down, like a year, but for about 6 and a half years I stayed sober. In that time I've grown up a lot. I have a white collar career going and have done a lot of normal 20s stuff. Things have been fine, but I always looked back on the good parts of my psychedelic use with a major sense of loss.

A year ago I really started to question being sober. I was then diagnosed with a mild case of Aspergers and felt more comfortable in general after being prescribed some new medication to help with it.

I decided that I'm not really an addict. I was a kid that lost it and always had this underlying push to self medicate something I didn't understand.

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This March I started drinking again. Best thing I ever did for my social life. I've felt good and have not been drinking excessively.

A couple months later I started smoking pot again too. That's been OK. It is pretty psychedelic for me. No way am I having a normal reaction to it. I can only assume that is due to my period of excessive tripping.

Listening to albums and watching some movies high has been really beautiful and satisfying. There have also been points when pot left me uncomfortably high. Because it is a heavy experience for me, smoking makes me pretty unsocial. That's a pretty big potential downsides there, so I generally have not been smoking too frequently, 2-3 times a week. I haven't been dating lately - I'll need to reduce the frequency whenever I pick that up again.

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So that brings the story up to the present. You can see why I'm not taking the idea of tripping again lightly. There is a risk that I would be abusive again. I believe things will be different, that as much more mature person, with a job and a sense of balance, I could approach it in a reasonable way. But I might react poorly.

Why do I think taking the risk is worth it? I want to grow spiritually. There is obviously a lot of beautify and truth out there and I miss it. I have continued to grow spiritually in the years of sobriety, learning how to meditate without 'help'. But some help would be nice.

So I am considering DMT.

I wonder if by blasting past the realm of moderate experiences, some of the 'mindfuck' moments of struggling with my ego can be avoided, that I just get into the "being taught" phase of things.

The best 'trip' I ever had was with ayahuasca. That's the realm I would love to get back to. But ayahuasca itself is currently off the table, because I take a medication that can't be mixed with MAOIs.

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Well, what do you think? Anyone with similar experiences? Any advice or insight?


Thanks so much to anyone who read through all of that.

Hey Rrryan I'm still very new to psychedelics and am still in a young age, but from my experiences. Only you can truly know if your ready to jump back in. Psychedelics are something that should not be abused and disrespected. It may be hard cause alot of us want to find ourselves or just learn what else is out there and its a beautiful thing. If you smoke DMT and breakthrough all the way It can help you and maby some of your questions will get answered, but you have to remember when the right time is to be diving into these kinds of things. They take you to a whole new world and can show you true beauty in all the universe, or they can take you to dark, dark places no one wants to be, and if your not ready for these places your mind will spiral into evil and it will try to corrupt you.

If you do decide to go back to the world of psychedelics I would suggest staying away from RC's and stick to whats been around for many years, LSD,mushrooms,and DMT would be my suggestions don't go beyond that if your not ready or you don't think you can handle it. Tred lightly for now. DMT has healing properties, but its not going to magically solve your problems. You have to work with the knowledge it gives you. Just remember If you go into dmt hyperspace all kinds of different beings will be there with you, they will help you decide if your ready or not, ALWAYS respect these things though. I wish you luck in your journey I hope I was a bit of help to you.

Rrryan,

That was a very interesting read. I can relate somewhat, but will try to keep it short, but it might take some time for me to get to the important points....

Here's a bit of my story, that maybe you can relate to......I'm almost 29...when i was 18 and 19 i had waaaaaaaaay too many mushrooms trips. I became obsessive with them...probably about a 100 trips in less than 2 years...took a year or so off all psychedelics...

then i got into lsd, abused that from about 20-23.......It took me about a year from when i stopped eating lsd, to actually stop tripping...Then i took a year or so off. Was an emotional rollercoaster.

Then i got into dmt...didnt abuse that until about 2 years ago when i went festival hopping in europe, smoking changa all the time, occasionally eating waaaaaaaaay too much dmt, amounts i will not even post ......then i quit changa/dmt for about 9 months.

All of this occurred while i was smoking ganja, and cigarettes constantly....for almost 10 years. Then i quit ganja and cigarettes and went stone cold sober, became a vegan, stopped eating any refined sugar(only fruits), no coffee, no alcohol.

So i'm about 1 1/2 years into being sober. I do occasionally smoke changa now, ocassionaly take pharma/ayahuasca. I am planning an lsd and mushroom trip this weekend. It's been 1 1/2 years since lsd, and many more years sine a solid mushroom trip.

Basically, i went out of control. My imagination went wild, somewhat like yours, but i guess the only major difference between our experiences, is that i was able to keep it all contained inside me, and never had an encounter where it all really came out into the open. It was mostly just an internal WAR. There were some emotional outbursts after i became sober when i learning how to live life without any substances.

I feel great now. I have learned so much about myself of the years, and have done some major re-arranging of my character/personality, views on life. All of which i attribute to psychedelic use and the WILL to change, and a long period of being sober. As you can imagine there have been some ups and downs on this wild ride, but being sober has been such a blessing. I have found new respect for all entheogens.

My advice would be this. IF you think that you can go on a trip or 2 and then not do it again for a few months at least, i would say go for it. But because you had and obsessive nature, i would recommend being very cautious, and if you notice yourself sinking back into old ways, stop everything completely. And since you have a vivid imagination, i would be extremely careful what you believe to be happening during the trips.

Here are some interesting books on spirtuality and gaining control of your mind, you might enjoy reading...they are free. If you are looking to make a solid connection to spirit, i would say look here first. There are some very profound truths hidden in these writings. An occasional trip could synergize well with these writings...

I feel that we do not need psychedelics to become highly aware, super beings. They can be shortcuts to help us understand how to achieve certain states, but they are very dangerous short cuts, and it's so easy to get lost.

http://www.sacred-texts.com/eso/kyb/
http://www.sacred-texts.com/eso/ryo/index.htm

I like to say as a rule with psychedelics if your on the fence then the answer is no. I personally don't use psychedelics unless I am certain I want to use them. I have used them before without being committed to the trip, just being naive about their power and its a real gamble, you may have a wonderful trip or you may go through hell.

With dmt I am not sure there really is a moderate trip, relatively speaking there is of course but dmt is absolutely a full blown psychedelic experience even at pretty low dose it can be very powerful.

Ultimately its your decision, if you feel that you can keep yourself in check then go ahead I say. It sort of seems like you have already decided that you want to do it though. The fact that you want to use it spiritually and that your older seems two facts that would suggest it can be used favorably for you. I think that its important to be certain before you use dmt though, as once you have done it there is no undoing it.

vaping dmt is serious business imo.

I agree with adam. One should feel the "calling" and know for sure that the path one needs to walk is with the use of psychedelics. But it seems that you made already your choice, Rrryan.

Thanks so much for the responses. You gave me a few things to really think about.

That you can't undo vaporizing DMT is a heavy thought. I would hate to be less prepared than I hoped, have a bad experience and then forever have that memory.

I guess the comments that I've already made up my mind are true. It is really just a matter of when. I knew years ago that I would resume with psychedelics Eventually. It has been 7 years and I think the time has come. ...But I'm not sure.

I'm hoping to get some clear advice from above, which can often be routed through friendly people, on the timing and the approach. Maybe it is time, but maybe I should start smaller scale, rather than the "the results are out of my control" approach with DMT.

Hopefully something will ring true soon.

If you do decide to dose some DMT make sure you have milligram scales, and I suggest starting low and working your way up. Eyeballing is not a good idea.

i don't know why one would ever stop using psychedelics except for not being able to find any

Watts logic said "When you get the message, hang up the phone."

wow, i'm really ignorant for being mid-50s , what are 2CIs?

2c-I is a psychedelic phenylethylamine first synthesized by Shulgin. It was available in head shops in the netherlands until about 2008 and was made illegal in the US as of 2009. Effects include stimulation at lower doses and hallucinogenic/empathogenic at higher doses.

Let's say I give it a whirl again -

Do you think I would be better off jumping in with DMT or start with something tamer, but much longer lasting, while still visual - maybe 4-ACO-MET?

(I would rather not go with mushrooms - I always had a real ego-trip with them.)

I see a lot of pros and cons either way. I know I am asking the DMT Nexus here, but I would appreciate any opinions.

Personally beings you have a past with abuse I would tread lightly. If even do it at all.

That said, DMT is different for me then the others. I would go with that. And i Would stay away from any non traditional psychedelics. Just my opinion.

Tough decision, a practice in lucid dreaming is a much safer option imo. And a more fruitful development in terms of spirituality. There's always the option of taking DMT or drugs at a later stage in life.

As for psychedelics. Just stick with nature. DMT is a charm. Based on my own experiences (so an ignorant viewpoint). I can't see how one can go wrong with that. Just start with a low dose and work your way up.

I am not the kind of person to take excessive psychedelics. Freebase dmt is nice because it is so short. Less potential for abuse and a definite connection with more than ordinary reality.

I echo anarchy's opinion and would stay away from synthetic or non-traditional compounds. From what i understand these are repetitive in nature and potentiate a hunger without truly filling the thirst in the long run.

If DMT could quench my thirst, I wouldn't still be on this forum.

All the more reason NOT to engage in psychedelics. Right?

I feel kind of awkward trying to tell another person what to do or what not to do, i hardly feel secure about anything i do myself. The only thing i really feel good about is learning how to lucid dream and take control of my dreams. And i meditate on clear-light/buddha reality. I think this realm of spirituality can be accessed in lucid dreams. There's also guidance present and speaking to subconscious in dreams is a very fruitful way to grow spiritually. DMT... yea, but it's so fricking weird. You really have to be grounded and seperate this part from your everyday life IME. Unless that part of your life is meditating, then by all means combine the two. Salvia is a better teacher for spirituality if you ask me.. Since there's this shock factor there's also less potential for abuse.

Again, i am not one to take psychedelics excessively. Some trips have helped to make me more engaging with the world, inspired me to take action and face reality with both hands. But after the high.. I'm basically back to baseline. After a night of sleep i am again my normal anxious self. Having nothing to show for, except for more questions. That serve to alienate me from society even more.

The questions inspire me. I like chasing the weird side of reality. But i would also like to have friends.. And maybe a girlfriend.. And as it stands today, non of these are an option because i'm a weirdo. Psychedelics haven't taught me how to deal with other people. Or take care of myself in terms of money/job/stability.