Hello fellow nexians, I'm writing this in an effort to add legitimacy to my claim as a fellow truth seeker. First off my username is Bnai Ragshee, this is a title in Aramaic that is roughly translated into English as sons of thunder. It is a reference to Mark 3:17 in the testimony of Yeshua (better known as NT).
Second off, a little background. My mother was a pagan witch, apart of a blood cult, aleister crowley kind of stuff. My father was a Scientologist, he grew up in it, in fact his side of the family was apart of the founding group. My parents divorced shortly after I become a toddler, my mother married another man and I was raised by my now adoptive father (henceforth referred to as dad) and biological mother. After a tumultuous first decade and a half of life I finally saw a great change in my mother. She stopped using drugs and had surrendered her life to god/jesus. I followed shortly after and so did my dad. I can definitely say the best memories I have with my parents were from late middle school through the first half of my senior year of high school. Flash forward to the end of junior year of high school, my dad got laid off from the sheet metal factory he had been working at. Which allowed me to go to the upscale high school I was accustomed to. The economy was taking a dip and he had to find work anywhere he could.
At this point in time I was really beginning to take my faith seriously, I found out that god had a name. How curious I thought, he has had a name this whole time and nobody thought it to be important enough to share it with me? It was mentioned 1 time in the bible I had at the time, somewhere in Exodus, YAHWEH. I didn't know it at the time but this name would spur me along into the world that I had chosen to separate myself from so vehemently.
My dad got a call from a company on the east coast, near Washington D.C., they got his resume from some place online and they wanted to pay for his plane ticket and interview him. This would be a great change for our whole family, both sides of the family all live on the west coast. My dad is a tribal member and his family mostly lives on a reservation, just to give a little perspective. Knowing the importance of providing for his family he made the trip and successively got the job. Instead of coming back to the west coast he decided it was best for him to stay on the East Coast and my mother and I should meet him over there.
I became fascinated with the idea that god had a name, if he had a name this whole time, then god is not his name, if fact god is just a title. If this logic holds true then the seventh commandment “You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name." is actually speaking of his NAME not his title. What else was I not aware of I thought, surely god would like us to know him by name if we are his people. I needed to know more so I did what anybody with an internet connection does, I obsessively googled the name and what it meant. I stumbled upon a lot of information that I felt had been completely withheld from the general populace of believers, I honestly felt lied to.
But I'm getting a little ahead of myself here, my mother and I made it out to the east coast shortly after my dad adopted me officially. For the first half of my senior year I attended a high school that was on the poor end of the spectrum but I loved the people there. I'm not sure if its people on the east coast or its because I was a new kid or maybe it was as narcissistic as my first name, either way they loved me back. After only a few months of being out there I was taught a painful lesson, something that shook me to my core. My dad, my pillar of strength, the man I saw as a fine example of a believer, whom I looked up to. Had not only started drinking again (he's a verbally abusive alcoholic), he had also been cheating on my mother since before we moved out there to meet with him. And even after swearing to change his ways he was caught again by my mother. Half way through my senior year in high school, right after christmas, my mother and I got out of there, left him in the middle of the night to seek a new life on the west coast once more.
I continued on through my senior year at the same high school I had went to before which was great to see all my friends again. I went through a depression phase that lasted for 2 years. During this time I changed every part of myself physically, I lost weight, I dressed in all black, I wore skinny jeans, eyeliner, grew my hair out, the whole bit. But I still going through a spiritual development, I still believed in god but I wanted to branch out desperately and I didn't know how. I ended up going the christian metal route which I don't regret at all, I met a lot of cool people and I finally developed a taste in music. At the same time I discovered a previously unknown branch of christianity that was largely ignored. It seemed like the best possible direction for all my inquiries and I still think it benefited me in a mind expanding way. Messianic is the mainstream label attached to that group. It is essentially the concept of the primal church, the first "version" of christianity. Which asserts that Jesus is a Jew, all the early believers essentially lived life as a Jew would. However this isn't to say they lived like the pharisees. The sabbath, Kosher, the 7 feasts; three important aspects of the bible that are largely ignored by christians. Back to my story, I found an online congregation in Israel run by a guy by the name of Don Esposito. Which in hindsight was a poor example of the movement and I shouldn't have gone full tilt into it, but it taught me a lot nonetheless.
At this point I am sure of 3 things, god has a name, I have been lied to since I became a believer, and every other believer needed to know the truth. This was a bad time in my life, it led to an accusing spirit inside of me. It made me feel very comfortable to have all this head knowledge which I could then use to justify my self destructive habits, and at the same time point out all the flaws in others. My self-destructive habits mostly included a video game addiction, pornagrapy, laziness, and a lack of desire to teach myself any job related skills for the future. A truly vicious cycle of no compassion and inflated ego. It prevented me from growing spiritually instead of going forward. I didn't learn this right away, it took 3 years of digging for information and eventually the military to wake me up.
Again I'm getting ahead of myself, I should state now for the majority of my life, up until age 19, I was very against psychoactive drugs. I didn't even touch alcohol until my 21st birthday. But at age 19 my mother married another man, my step father, a nice enough guy. Kinda has an explosive temper but nothing I haven't seen before. When she met him he smoked cannabis, he was a heavy smoker actually. She has always loved cannabis but she put that part of herself away for god for more than a decade. When she started to smoke with him I was disgusted, I had this naive notion that much of the ills of my childhood were from her cannabis use. I never directly stated that to her but I expressed my disdain for it. Anyhow after a year of living with them I was set to go into the military, which for reasons I don't entirely feel comfortable sharing, I was sent home from. When I came back I decided that I would give cannabis a try, I heard from many different people by that point that I couldn't knock it until I tried it. The night before my moms wedding, my step dad's cousin came over with a tray of cookies. I only told me sister what I was about to do (she was shocked) and I ate one, just one cookie. She instinctively told me that I should have only eaten half, since I had no tolerance. I didn't really know what to expect but I thought it would be a good idea to go see a movie. My sister and I went and watched pirates of the caribbean 4 in 3D. To this day I don't remember that movie at all. I do remember being paranoid that I was going to knock my drink over for the whole movie, so I sat perfectly still. Only to discover by the end that I didn't even have a drink to begin with! Also I remember thinking the feeling was exactly like being gassed at the dentist's office.
Since that night It was a few months before I tried cannabis again and at least a year before I tried any other drugs. By this point I quit attending the online community in Israel and found a local congregation. This local congregation taught me so much about christianity, I met many different people of all walks of life. I also learned that the name of god is much more likely YEHOVAH. I was finally able to keep the sabbath, eat kosher, attend the seasonal celebrations, and fellowship with like minded people. It was very refreshing. My family didn't like this so much, they saw it as joining a cult. Hah and to an extent it had some cultish tendencies. But the shepherd there grew up in a cult and he disdained the controlling aspect of them, how it sucks the spirit right out of the believers. He was careful to avoid being too strict, which is admiral for how conservative he is.
After almost 2 years in that congregation I had learned much about christianity, including a much broader view of what is happening to all the denominations across the road. I also went from cannabis, to LSA, to Salvia, to LSD, to mushrooms, to syrian rue + mushrooms. Over time acquiring psychonautical tendencies, different spiritual insights, and over all a desire to learn, grow, and have compassion for others. Since my 21st birthday I have considered myself to be agnostic, I don't regret being a believer. It shaped the person I am today, it taught me how to love my neighbor, it taught me the importance of conservative values. I do believe the teachings of Jesus, I think he like many other "enlightened" people have great insights that should be applied to everyday life. Its the role of god and the supernatural/paranormal forces that I don't understand or even know with any certainty exist. At this point in my life I meditate, I use entheogens for spiritual and mental development, I believe in responsible drug use, I want to pick up some QiKung, yoga, and spiritual defense mechanisms for future entheogenic projects. I do believe that entheogens can be used for problem solving, critical thinking, seeing a situation from a different point of view (I might be getting redundant here), and healing/restoration of ones mind and possibly spirit.
Thirdly and lastly, I would to thank my family for being so understanding and for not giving up on me. There is still so much good work to be done (there always will be), entheogens has only confirmed much of what I was taught as a believer with regards to how to treat others. I cannot justify the mentality of throwing others under the bus to elevate myself. Which goes hand in hand with most forms of competition. I believe in healthy and functional relationships with fellow human beings, the need for compassion on this planet is now more than ever! Everyday we are presented with choices to interact with others and everyday I must choose to love and respect humans. The negativity and positivity I inject into a situation is what I will get out of it. I may not believe in karma but I know our brains are cyclical, negative thoughts breed more negative thoughts. As a human on this crummy yet beautiful planet I have to make the conscious decision to edify others, I say we are all in this together, why not make the best of it.

I hope my story will resonate with anybody willing to read this. I am a human being and I will screw up and contradict myself. But like many people I take it one step at a time, choosing to improve myself and the others around me.

Welcome to the nexus. You seem to have had quite a journey already. Everybody is here to learn and to improve, so that the path of life becomes more colourful.

More colorful, richer, deeper. I sound like paint commercial hah.
But on a more serious note I like this forum because of the attitude around here "Everybody is here to learn and to improve", I agree. I have a hard time finding people in real life that treat life like an opportunity to learn and improve, its a little better with online communities but still rare. My journey is unending, my inquiry is unceasing, I'm a little high from being tired but I'll end this by repeating what I said in my into essay. There is always more good work to be done.