Hi everyone. I don't really know how to start this, so I'm just going to lay everything out there.

About 5 years ago I realized that there was something very off about the world and became extremely interested in spirituality. I began reading every book I could find on the subject as well as Religion and Magick, with the intent of combining the pieces that felt right and dropping what I considered to be dogmatic and of no real benefit (I've never been a fan of organized religions). This probably seems a fairly haphazard way of going about things, but I decided to trust my intuition as I didn't really have anything else to go on.

This continued until about a year ago, when I began suffering from solipsism syndrome. For those unfamiliar with the term, it's when a person comes to believe that the world around them is little more than a dream, and that nothing and no one in it actually exists in any real sense. In my current view of the world, every person I interact with is nothing more than a figurative sock puppet animated by my subconscious. This has lead to me withdrawing completely from the world as interacting with people actually makes me feel more lonely than just being alone does. To top it off I no longer have any drive or ambition, as I don't believe any of it matters.

The only emotions I seem to be able to feel anymore are anger at being stuck in this nightmare, and depression from the realization that I am alone in the universe. I feel like I'm walking on a narrow ledge separating two pits, and the longer I continue to move forward, the narrower the ledge becomes. If I were to fall into the one on my left, I'd go on a murderous rampage, ending only after a fatal confrontation with the police. Fall into the one on the right, and I'll just blow my own brains out. The only thing stopping me from doing either currently is I know that neither action will accomplish anything productive. I'll just wake up in a new dream with a new life, but I don't know how long that reason alone will stop me. After all, chances are upon waking within a new dream, I'd forget I was dreaming and could actually live a normal life again...

So now the reason why I'm posting all this here. I recently became aware of DMT and Ayahuasca, and am convinced that if anything can help me through this crisis, this is it. And now my dilemma: due to my lack of motivation, I am unemployed, flat broke, and simply do not have the means to access it in any way that I have come across. I hope I am not breaking any forum rules here, but I am asking if there is anyone here who can point me in the direction of an Ayahuasca temple that will heal those without the means to pay. I understand that Shimbre Center was one, but from what I can tell, they've closed down due to that unfortunate incident.

For the record I'm not currently on any prescription medications, and outright refuse to consider them.

Thank you

Hey DPL, welcome to the nexus.

I am sorry to hear about your current mindset of reality. In the end it is all a fleeting dream but that does not mean there is no value in it. The meaning of this life on earth is to experience what it is like to be human to its fullest, the high and the low points. Working towards goals and careers, performing hobbies, sociallizing with others, experiencing love and pain, exploring consciousness, traveling, are only a few things that fit into this category. You need to make something important in your life and seek it out.

The thing is you never know what could be coming next, you may actually be in a great instance of reality currently oppossed to what could come next, so you may as well live it to the fullest. DMT may help you come to terms with this and provide some personal healing, it is definitly something you could work for with a little effort, and perhaps find meaning again. I would recommend earning some money through employement first and use that to persue your interest in DMT/ayahuasca. You can do it, make it happen, and hang in there friend.

^^^ you can do it man...find a job where you can be out in nature and work with the land/sea...im a fisherman and i spend a lot of my day working but the boat is too loud to talk to the captain most of the time..so im sitting in my own thoughts..using my body..sometimes making money ...but it gives me a lot of time to think about things..but also makes me money..and gives me something to be proud of..because i working my butt off..

then i get to come home..and smoke dmt and go travel the universe inside my head...and usually what it shows me..is that people are important..WE are all in this together..but that doesnt mean we arent just projects..but whos projecting us? can that ever really be answered??

seems like an idea got stuck in your head..and you believe its the ultimate truth...but how can you really know for sure?? with enough time you can convince yourself of almost anything...so convince yourself that the world is a mystery..and that any interaction could lead to ANYWHERE

The problem with the "helpers" you are looking for is: you are already attracting so much negative energy that you might attract it in hyperspace. However, regardless of the good or bad experience you have in hyperspace, you still will probably discover that you're not alone. You'll need to find someone who can be there with you and assist.

I would suggest watching some changelings and pondering the messages. The two best people to watch (that I know of) are Bashar and Kryon. This might help you understand why you have found yourself in this situation. Plus, it might show you that you aren't alone. I'm not saying you have to believe these people are channeling other beings, just listen to what they have to say.

You might want to check YouTube for more vids:

Bashar

http://www.bashar.org/home.html

Kryon

http://www.kryon.com/

Also, this helped me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IaDOkMEK4uk

You might want to get some popcorn for this one though. It's a long one. Some of it is a bit fishy toward the end (and the Atlantis parts), so take it with a grain of salt. However the beginning (the science and math connections) stuff is great.

my friend I feel you need a bit of tough love and a change in surroundings.

depression is a touchy subject because its treated like an illness when in reality everyone gets depressed, the difference is when most people get depressed they do something about it, not sit there and feel sorry for themselves.

there are people with true chemical depression but there very rare.

when you get sad, do something about it, its that simple..

feeling lonely: go to any place with strangers and make small talk or invite a friend over or to lunch, whatever.

unemployment woes: clean you house, do yard work, assist a friend or neighbor, look for work, take side jobs from craigslist, be productive.

as for your dream problem I have an exercise you can use to differentiate reality from the dream world.
periodically throughout the day ask yourself "am I awake? am I sleeping?" and do something like pinch your hand.

doing this long enough and you will eventually start asking the question in your dreams which is also the first step in lucid dreaming.

This helped me because I used to have dreams that I would remember as memories and it was effecting my life to the extent that I wouldn't tell any stories because I couldn't be sure it actually happened.

My friend, whatever gou do, DO NOT take any psychedelics in your condition. They will likely deepen these impressions you have, and possibly create other psychological difficulties for you. I implore you to seek professional medical help, and be wary of pharmaceuticals without eliminating them entirely as a possibility. Given the two options you stated, pharmaceuticals are a minor risk imo. I have just come off meds and never imagined needing them, but i'll tell you, without a doubt, they saved my life, i have no long or short term adverse effects, and three months off them and i feel like my life is beginning again.

And i know where you are medical help may cost, but a plea to friends and family for help or a loan would be be best money spent at this point. Get help - just the act of being proactive can go a long way to improving one's state.

I know. I've been there. (Surely not exactly where you are, but a close neighbour let's just say)

Good luck,

JBArk

Exactly what jbark said.

A lot of psychedelics cause short term depersonalisation (as a side-effect, not as the permanent disorder), which can not be good as it has the potential to increase the risk of properly developing it significantly. You seem to be experiencing something similar, so you cannot truly rule it out. On the same note, the options that presented to you on your hypothetical bridge, may come out during the trip, and you may not have the ideal mindset at the time to deal with them.

I am sure we do not have an idea on what reasons rendered you "convinced" that this approach will help. It does show to help with deeply rooted issues that sometimes are covert, but in your case, you seem to know your issues. Talking it over might be the best course of action, and for one, you have this forum to open up and share as you deem necessary.

P.S. there are no medications that treat the symptoms of what you are describing, only for the anxiety/panic attacks that such a condition may precipitate on certain patients.

I know of a synesthetic who experiences the world in a similar way as you describe it. She constantly feels slightly offset from her body, describes it as a feeling of being alone in, or one with, the universe, and she frequently questions the materials and the people she interacts with. She experiences a few seconds of "landing" right in her center, along with a sense of who she is and what her aims are, but only seldomly. She craves for these fleeting experiences as she claims that these are the moments that bring true sense of purpose.

Suffice to say, she is going through hell while on psychedelics, and she never touched any of them after experimenting once with each.

Does her description of her experience feel familiar in any way?

i would'nt really care if i was the only one in the universe , as my experience is only my experience anyways

what does it matter anyway , if the whole human race went extinct , i would gladly enjoy the world to myself , i would take any car , go anywhere fly a plane afterall when there would be no-one left i would get all the free stuff on the planet , i could plant trees wherever i like , i could have my own planetery policy regarding everything , all the churches , temples , mosques , homes , offices , buildings grages , cars , jwellery , ships , aircrafts

everything would be mine then , i say wonderful isn't it

yet the problem is there are other people on the planet , why don't they realize the truth about solipsm and vanish or whatever , yet its ok i guess , who cares ?

i don't get it what is so troubling about being the only one , even if i am a schizophernic God i don't care , never did never will , its just too much for me to care

i am not angry , depressed , happy , or any other emotion i feel , i feel nothing , infact i have no regrets , no remorse , no empathy/sympathy or any other pathy's that might be there

i don't get it , true solipsm is'nt about unhappiness or anger , or any of that , i feel quite fine even being alone , i've been living alone for 6 years and it gets only more non-caring each year , each year i start to care less , i even don't feel like myself anymore , yet even that is ok as i truly don't care

you might be solipistic or whatever , yet you gotta work on your skill of not caring to really reach a new level with this , i've gone through such behaviour in the past and pushed forward and started living alone to complement my mindstate , disconnect from people as much as possible and go deeper into the abyss , if everything turns out fine good and dandy otherwise you might end up dead , yet you were never going to live forever anyway

who cares about life ?, who cares about death ? who gives a $#!T about anything ?

i am , and that is all that matters , yet if i was not then still i would'nt care , i have suffered to much to understand one of the finest truths - which is i don't care , i don't care whether i live , die , career , job , no-job girl/no girl or whatever petty shit humans can think about i don't care about none of it

i would advice you to do the same , be strong and don't care

so what if you're alone - its ok
so what you die in some time - its ok
so what if you were never alive - its ok

so what to anything - its ok

everything is ok for me , because i don't care , the best i can advice you is to be the same way , be like me so you might know strength and pleasure for seeing tears of solipsm in your eyes i feel you have only invited weakness into yourself and never understood solipsm like the yogi or the mystic does

you sound like a kid all alone and lost in the forest , well the truth be told i was once that kid too but now i am a grown man living like the forest , for i grew up here in the forest all alone and now that i have become accustomed to this i have become the forest

may you find the strength you need to progress on your path , its not that difficult , you're going to die anyways

I just had a similar trip yesterday....I only wonder if the dream is collective or vicariously imposed on us. I think recognizing the fleeting nature of life and grappling with its evanescence is a valid psychological battle. Could even go so far as to say it's inevitable, inherent, ingrained. Sorry you're struggling, but what can you do? Here we are, you never know when life will leave you. No sense in dwelling on the bad, although it's undeniably ubiquitous. Enjoy life while its here, make your dream as happy as you want it, and let it go when it leaves you.

Looks like there's a lot to respond to. I'll do my best not to miss any, but I think I'm going to refrain from using quotes as I would have to use so many.

First I'll start with employment. I have been trying (although I'll admit, halfheartedly) to find a job for the past two months. I'm at a point where I either find a job or end up homeless. With that said, there are several factors working against me. I no longer have any personal transportation, and public transportation in my area is absolutely terrible (schedules and routes are god awful). I live in Arizona, so job hunting by walking around in the summer heat is not really an option. Don't get me wrong, I could do it, but what kind of first impression does it leave to show up drenched in sweat? Add to all of this that I was given a Bad Conduct Discharge from the Marine Corps in '08 (I had gone AWOL), which shows up in background checks. I have managed to get applications in to pretty much every employer that's hiring in my immediate area (and several much further away), but have only gotten one interview and never heard back afterwards, even after several attempts to contact them. Can't say I blame them really. I wouldn't hire me either...

It probably sounds like I'm just making excuses, and hell, maybe I am. Can you really blame me though? I think we can all agree that western culture is complete BS, and I'm not exactly giddy at the thought of having to reintegrate myself back into it. I'm also convinced that the whole economic system is going to completely collapse within the immediate future making this whole exercise seem like a total waste of time to me. I've tried to find something that I'm passionate about and can monetize, but I can't seem to find it. And that's my biggest problem I think: No matter what I end up doing in order to make money, ultimately, the only reason I'm doing it is to make money. I absolutely despise the profit motive and am convinced if the only reason you are doing something is because it makes you money, you probably shouldn't be doing it.

Now the solipsism. To fry, I know the exercise you're speaking of. I used to do it often when I was training myself to lucid dream. The problem is that it becomes pointless for a solipsist because the answer is always "I'm dreaming". Why can't a solipsist effect the "real world" in the same ways he can effect the "dream world"? The answer is long and complicated, but it basically boils down to he technically could, but subconsciously doesn't allow himself to. As far as getting out there and interacting with people, even before I became a solipsist I was feeling more and more alienated while interacting with other people, for the simple reason that I could no longer relate to them. When you come to realize how wrong the western materialistic world view truly is, interacting with people who desperately cling to it is exhausting. Now that I am a solipsist interacting with other people is even worse for various reasons, but suffice it to say, it only magnifies the problem.

To Jin, I don't really know how to put why the thought being alone is so depressing. I've always been an extremely social person (prior to this episode), so suddenly having that ripped out from under me hasn't been a pleasant experience. The other issue is that the path to truly excepting it from my current understanding seems to lead to me becoming a sociopath, which I'm not particularly ready/eager to do currently. Why am I hesitant to become a sociopath if no one else exists anyway? 28 years of mental programming telling me that they do exist mostly...

Why do I think that DMT/ayahuasca can help but western mental health care can't? It's actually a little odd to me that I even have to answer this question. As far as shrinks are concerned, they approach this issue from completely the wrong angle. I'm "broken" and need to be "fixed", and solipsism is the "problem". Instead of trying to help me cope with the implications of solipsism and helping me find meaning despite it, they try to convince me of the reality of the physical world, which just doesn't work or help. As far as pharmaceuticals, I've known many people throughout the course of my life who have had to take them, and in all honesty, having seen what it does to them, it's not something I'm willing to subject myself to. Meanwhile, DMT gives me the chance to communicate with my true, enlightened self face to face. Who's more likely to help me find meaning and purpose, a western materialist shrink, or my true self? I realize that there is the very real possibility of a bad trip, but it's a risk I'm willing to take. If the trip is bad, it's probably a necessary evil.

Wow, I didn't expect this post to be so long, so sorry for the wall of text. Also, GreatBlueChocobo, I haven't had a chance to look at those links yet, but I will here soon, so thank you.

If you state that something is "problematic" in your daily life, yes they will approach it as a problem. In general, the whole attitude you've adopted to share this, hints to you believing it is a problem. I do not see where the beef is with having someone consider the cluster of symptoms you describe as "problematic". Sounds like you desire to demean the people who want to help you, by ascribing a totally unjust and cliche label of "western help". Highly biased, imo.

What they are actually trying to do, is exactly what you want: "help me cope with the implications of solipsism and helping me find meaning despite it". Like in every profession, yes, there will be 1 or 2 people who will try to "sell" you their own interpretation of the nature of the world we're living in, but sometimes, they do it to see if you agree, disagree, etc. After all, aren't you sharing your worldview with them? And most of all, I do not know where this idea that mental health care is exclusive to shrinks/psychiatrists comes from. Try cognitive behavioural therapy, there are many routes to explore your symptoms through, that do not have to do with medication or someone making you feel like they are trying to convince you of the "reality" of things.

As far as medicine is concerned, it is not exclusive to "western materialist shrinks". You seem to have a very western view yourself, the way you perceive "western" mental health care. Not all substances are the same, so I am not sure what you have seen that allows you to generalise so recklessly on an enormous spectrum of mental issues that are as different from one another, as apples and oranges.



You "know some people", yet you receive information from jbark who has experienced it himself with a positive outcome, but you choose to disregard that opinion, and state that they only do harm.


I mentioned a risk of permanent depersonalisation, not a "bad trip". Bottom line, your choice. Our purpose in this forum is to share and reduce harm to the best of our abilities. It's the individual's call after that.

Good luck.

Welcome to the Nexus, DreadPirateLynx.

Im sorry things are not going as well for you as they could be but Im inclined to agree with JBark and the Neural and depersonalization/derealization seems to be a fair descriptor of your symptoms from the limited info presented.

Im no psychiatrist and do not subscribe to blind faith in psychiatry but I do believe its not wholly without merit.One thing that struck me from your posts is the timing of the onset of the problems, and how it seems temporally related to your AWOL episode, and I wonder if there is some relationship between the two.

You have nothing to lose from seeking a professional opinion from a mental health professional, and this need not be a psychiatrist in the first instance. Having your troubles assessed and categorised can only give you a fuller understanding of what you have to deal with, and you are not compelled to take on board any drug treatment recommendations that may or may not be made.

I also wonder how you have reached the conclusion that DMT/aya would be beneficial to you.They may be, but there is a not inconsiderable risk that such endeavours could add to your problems.For this reason getting your problems categorised by conventional psychological/psychiatric parameters may allow you to investigate the natural history and outcomes of your 'disorder' from the accepted conventional perspective, and the effect of psychedelics on the constellation of symptoms you have.

Sincerely, I wish you well and once again, welcome aboard.

Let me start by apologizing preemptively in case my tone gets defensive or combative. I was going to include quotes to address issues one at a time, but again, it would increase the length of this post more than I would like, so I'll forgo them.

So first, in response to The Neural:
Ok, maybe you're right and I'm biased. Try living in a highly conservative community that would more than likely start burning witches if they could get away with it and see if you manage to remain unbiased. Maybe not all mental health professionals in the country are the way I view them, but the vast majority of the ones around here seem to be. Let me just say that I am unwilling to trust my mental and spiritual well being to a materialist or evangelical. I know their hearts are more than likely in the right place, but it's like asking the blind to perform surgery. If I could find a mental health professional who believed at least in unity consciousness I would be more than happy to ask for their help, but good luck finding that around here. And I want it to be clear that this isn't just conjecture on my part. I have looked for someone who could provide me with the type of help I feel I need, and I haven't found them. The fact that I discovered DMT while searching for that help is part of the reason I believe it's what I need. And yes, I suppose my views probably do still have a western tinge to them, but I'd say that's only natural having spent the majority of my life believing in the traditional western world view. It's something I continue to try to rid myself of.

As far as anti-depressants, everything about them just feels wrong to me. Maybe they're right and good for some people, but I am not one of them. Just understand that this is something to which every fiber of my being screams "NO!", and I'm inclined to listen considering there isn't a whole lot that invokes that strong of a reaction in me. Is it closed minded? Probably, but I don't see you pushing your drugs on people who don't want them, so why are you pushing theirs?

Now the whole depersonalization issue. Your argument seems to be "you're already suffering from it, you don't want to be more depersonalized". I fail to see how this could be much of a potential problem. I already believe I'm the sum total of everything that exists. I don't know how that belief could be made more extreme than it already is (although I will not argue against their being an extremely small possibility). Also, real quick while I'm thinking about it, when I say "I" in this context, I don't mean my Ego. I understand that the Ego is also an illusion and isn't who I really am. But that's the whole problem: I understand these concepts on an intellectual level, but I don't have first hand experience of them. It's my hope that by experiencing these things first hand, it will give me a new perspective that will allow me to see this in a new and positive light. Everyone I've heard talk about their feelings of "oneness" and "interconnectedness" with everything in creation during their trips has described it as an amazingly positive feeling. That is the help I need, and it's not going to come from psychotherapy and anti-depressants.

To corpus callosum:
I went AWOL in July 06, was caught in August 07, and then spent 3 months in the brig before being released back into the civilian population in November 07, with my discharge being finalized in June 08 (I had already been functionally out of the military for close to 8 months). My interest in spirituality wasn't really piqued until around Nov-Dec of that year, and the solipsism syndrome didn't set in until around June of last year, so I don't really think there's much of a connection other than the finalization of my discharge and my realization I was a solipsist happening within the same month 4 years apart. I don't tend to chalk much up to coincidence, but this is one of those times I think I will.

To everyone:
I appreciate the concern of some of the members of the community who feel it's in my best interest to abstain from using this substance, but I've never been very receptive to people or organizations who say they know what's best for me better than I do. I understand that this is coming from people who have experienced it first hand, but you also need to remember that I have not and could not possibly relay to you all of the relevant information about myself and my life. I understand this substance and its effects as much as is humanly possible without having experienced it first hand, and I have made the decision that I am capable of handling it. I ask that you respect that decision.

i'll wont ask you to stay away from DMT , infact i advice you to go for smoked experience rather than aya , as smoked experience is really on another level , and with Aya if you want to get to that level you need a very good dose , otherwise it can be quite mild depending on doseage

also you seem to be afraid of being homeless , psychatrists and other people's advice , why don't you let go of fear first

i personally have recieved not much insights from DMT about anything yet i have still gained a lot which i would'nt have otherwise , i only ask you are you ready to die ? to be obliterated ? to be destroyed ?

you don't look ready since you're so afraid of having no job and all that ,

i wonder how can anyone become homeless if earth is home and the sky is roof , your concept of life is just so human , have you ever witnessed street dogs , cats and animals that live without any human help , the world of jobs , homes , security , cars and all that is just the human way of life not the only way of life

do you remember the day you were born ? well one day you arrived here and one day you'll have to go , why such fear from the things inbetween , just let go

you might not find solutions to your problems yet there are really no problems in the first place

before i started smoking DMT , a friend told me what is a good time to smoke DMT - anytime is a good time to smoke DMT , what is a good time to die - anytime is a good time to die

i thought my friend was nuts yet today i believe its ok to die , its ok to live , its all ok , there are really no problems

Life/death is one giant mystery and its ok , you want to be like how you were before yet that is still very human , i promise you DMT can only help some things yet it cannot help you get a job , get security , be non-solipistic and all that , for all that is upto you

the more DMT i smoke the less i care about such things , DMT is helping me become ready to walk the path to the abyss , its helping me become less fearful to die and it is pushing me towards oblivion , and this is what i want anyways to melt , to flow to become one with all that is , to fly in the sky ( whatever)

DMT on some level is quite like experiencing death , if that is what you want go for it ? yet if you want a job , well perhaps you should'nt be knocking on DMT's door then

edit : apologies for not sugarcoating it yet DMT is not all that sugary either ,

I understand your opposition, yet I find it problematic that you apologise for the aggressive tone while at the same time you label mental health professionals (people) "materialists". Please try to keep an open mind and generalise as little as possible, we are all different, and many of us in this forum are being automatically labeled by your statements.



No one suggested anti-depressants, and no one in their right mind would prescribe them to you for the symptoms you describe. Keep in mind, while you're demonizing such substances with a sinister halo, that the harmalas you are planning to ingest have a relatively similar mechanism. The problematic and debatable use of psychiatric medications are the anti-psychotics but again, no one suggested their use. Finally, I am not "pushing" any drug, nor am I qualified to do so. I am arguing on their validity (or lack of), which does not imply that I am advocating their use.



The issue might not become a heightened depersonalisation level, but an unknown interaction. Unknown = dangerous. I feel obliged to agree with Corpus and state the same. Again, this is a forum that aims on harm reduction, and we find it prudent to minimise the risk as much as possible. Please take heed of what everyone is saying, try to antagonise them less, and at the end, by all means, you decide for yourself. No one forces you to do anything, they rather take the time to understand and offer their best educated guess on a matter.

Wish you the best in your endeavours.

I'm sorry if I haven't been making myself clear. I'm not labeling all mental health professionals as materialists. What I'm saying is that the majority of ones I have access to are (or at the very least approach their practice as if they are). The ones who aren't are evangelical christians. Neither point of view has much to offer me currently. I say this having been raised in an evangelical family and after becoming a materialist for a while during my adult life. It may seem odd that I am concerned with the spiritual orientation of any mental health professional I would consider working with, but given the specifics of my situation, it makes perfect sense if you think about it.


I'm a little confused now. If you weren't talking about anti-depressants or anti-psychotics, what were you talking about? Additionally my statement of refusal to consider taking them was not a statement as to the possible benefits (or lack thereof) of these substances to other people, only a statement as to my feelings about the possible benefits (or lack thereof) of me taking them. Also, I admit it was a bit of an exaggeration to claim you were pushing them.


Unknown = dangerous is an equivocation I have done my best to be rid of. In many, if not most cases, it's just plain untrue. This is not to say that I approach unknown situations without appropriate levels of caution however. It may be reckless, but it's how I've decided to try to live my life. I'd also like to apologize again. It hasn't been my intention to antagonize. I do appreciate everyone's concern, but I didn't come here asking if I should use it.

Jin:
Honestly I'm not really afraid of homelessness. I've already been homeless once and I did just fine during that period. I'd be lying if I said a roof over my head wasn't preferable though. If I was truly fearful of homelessness my job hunting would be much more fervent. I only mentioned the job hunting in response to people saying "try getting a job". My desire to keep myself from committing suicide has nothing to do with a fear of death either. I've actually been looking forward to death since I began on my path of spiritual growth, but for the most part I don't feel taking my own life is the way it should come about. As far as being afraid of taking the advise of others...let's just say that I typically don't accept advise from people with less understanding of all the relevant facets than myself. I'm not saying that I understand DMT better than the kind members of this community. I am saying I have better knowledge of myself, which I feel is much more important in this instance.

yes its a good idea to not kill yourself , losing all fear is the best way to live life and even die when the time comes on its own , i hope you're not even afraid of anything inbetween

<MODERATOR: LETS NOT ENCOURAGE THE USE OF PSYCHEDELICS IN CASES LIKE THIS ONE>

you wrote:

"To everyone:
I appreciate the concern of some of the members of the community who feel it's in my best interest to abstain from using this substance, but I've never been very receptive to people or organizations who say they know what's best for me better than I do."

But you're asking for advice!! If you know what's best for you, why are you posting? I'm not being combative, I just want you to scrutinize your behaviour. This aspect of your personality strikes a chord with me - I am very much like this. Ask for help, feel shame for asking (I like to consider myself independent), then hide behind a veil of "what do they know, their advice sounds wrong and I don't agree with it". I set myself up for not listening before I have even asked the question! I am working on it...

Back to medication:

SSRI's scare the shit out of me. I would need some serious convincing before I went down that road. But there are other options. I am not trying to diagnose or prescribe by any means (i couldn't be further from qualified to do so), but I should elaborate my situation a little. What I took was remeron (mirtazapine). It was perfect for me, and I feel fortunate that I got the ideal medication on the first try.

I AM IN NO WAY STATING THIS DRUG IS MIRACULOUS OR PERFECT FOR EVERYONE OR ANYONE.

I am only relating my story and that it was miraculous for me. It treated the three things that fed into each other and created a terrifying sense of depersonalization and, as you call it, "solipsism": extreme sleep deprivation (a creeping insomnia that ended in 2-3 months of 1/2 an hour to an hour of sleep a night and 18-23 hrs of pacing back and forth all day, acute anxiety (a state just shy of a panic attack, but that lasted months) and depression.

The only thing people here are trying to encourage you to do is explore your options and not eliminate any given your self-described rather extreme state. AND to not partake in substances that may exacerbate your condition. And if you think it can't get any worse, well, I've been there, both on and off psychedelics. I have walked the streets on no substances for days on end convinced the black spot in the centre of my vision was this reality peeling away and the void taking over - the dream was ending, I was plunging into darkness and eternal oblivion, about to be subsumed by the void...

Get help. Before it gets worse. And listen to everyone and reach out and do everything you can to bring balance back into your life. The way I saw it at the time was that, clearly, MY way wasn't working, so I had to abandon certain preconceptions and judgments and see if someone else's way would work. Takes a busload of humility, but it saved my life. And I don't believe I am over dramatizing this.

I wish you the best,

JBArk

EDIT: to reiterate, i am not suggesting you need anti-depressants or anti-psychotics. I know too little about you and your condition and more importantly, I am far from qualified. If the central message of this post was unclear, let me restate it: search out help with those who have professional experience with people in your condition and keep an open mind regarding the treatment they recommend or prescribe. Being a christian, evangelical or not, does not exclude one from being an efficacious doctor. I do understand your concerns with respect to this, I just must underline that having a different world view from you does not exclude one from treating psychological illnesses or negate one's medical education.

You stated a few posts back that you will not take any medication for any reason etc. I then simply stated that you should not worry about that since there is no medication for the specific symptoms that you describe (jbark's were a bit more complex), except anxiolytics for the side-effects that depersonalisation very often brings to people with similar experiences : panic attacks and anxiety. Then we went on a slippery slope to this point.

In regards to from whom you are taking advice from, you cannot possibly know the relevant knowledge people possess, and to assume that they are oblivious to certain conditions is erroneous. Not saying that you should take advice recklessly from anyone claiming to be an expert, but it pays off to just keep it in mind, they may have been exposed to certain conditions enough to know that you are not alone in this.

Finally, on the logical assumption that unknown=dangerous, I should have stated not to take it literally. Generally though, when it comes to our brain, it is a given that unknown approaches should be regarded as dangerous (imo only).

You definitely seem to be on the right path by discussing your situation here, I'd say give it some time if you are really determined.