Hello

for a while now i have experienced a fear of taking pharma, aya or anything akin.

nothing bad has happened, in fact from all i can tell its actually be helping me considerably (most to deal with headaches) but as of late the headaches are coming on yet i cant bring myself to take my medicine.

this may be an integration problem, i dont know, it may be anxiety, i may just feel like i am undeserving or that i may lose myself, some latent fear that i will lose everything i hold dear, even though i know it wont happen, it is at the same time tormenting me in some way, but only when it comes to aya.

the only one bad if you call it that i have experience had was early on where i lost all energy to move, and was laying down with an incredible thirst for water, the bottle not six inchs out of my reach and i could not compel myself to move (it wasnt paralysis, i just, despite the fact that i was thirsty, could not bring myself to grab the bottle.

and i stayed like that for what felt like a couple hours, but knowing the time dilation involved may have been a few minutes, otherwise nothing bad has ever happened, and even that i would call more of my own design rather than something bad.

the funny thing is that im as level headed as can be medically verified by today's standards, normally very good at coping with stress and making good decisions reguardless of how much or how little information is available, but this is something i cant prepare for, something that shows me so much but i can barely understand and have no words to describe.

it makes me feel alone, which is something i can relish as a blessing to get some time alone in my day to day life, but its one thing to be alone from people, and its another to be alone from yourself, if anyone understands that.

so i dont know where i am trying to get at, maybe it is this.

what if you had a fear that exists unbound to a single thing, a fear of yourself if you will, maybe not of what would happen to you, but a fear of what you might become, a fear of growing up.

how would you come to terms with it, and thus let it become a part of you again so that it no longer is a determinant in the decisions of your life?

thank you for reading.

Sounds like aya. It's not the most mobile experience in the slightest. The first time I took aya, it happened to me, and it was quite frustrating and stressful. I was laboriously and slowly crawling up my stairs, crawling around. Barely having the willpower to lift a finger or what have you. In future experiences I have also been rendered immobile on a number of occasions however, it's something I'm more prepared for now. I just make sure to "nest" up somewhere nice and comfy where I won't have to worry about moving for a while, and then just sit/lay there for hours, just embracing what comes. It's more about the internal journey, so try not to sweat it too much. Just post up and let the magic show begin.

Please note that I´m not a medical doctor, so don´t take my word for granted. However, I read that Mushrooms and LSD in low (!) doses can also bring some relief from migraine and cluster headache (e.g.: http://www.erowid.org/pl...mushrooms_medical1.shtml).

I don´t know all your reasons for taking Ayahuasca, but from what I read/heard its not necessary to take "full doses" of Mushrooms or LSD to get some relief from headaches.

I don't think your fear is irrational at all, especially if your labeling it so because your not able to pin point it to any one particular thing. Its the same fear people who have never taken oral dmt feel.
Its not so much a fear of any one particular thing its a fear of the unkown of what could happen and what you may encounter or feel. IMO you may be now having fear when before you didn't is because your seeing how powerful the experience can be and also possibly how bizarre.

If you haven't had a "hard" one yet don't worry you eventually will. I say this not in a mocking way but because IME the hard ones are where the most growth and healing occur.

Maybe your intentions are more about physically helping your headaches rather than your spirit or mind/body. In that case I can relate to fear as your seeking the properties that help you but know they come with a whole bag of other stuff you may not be seeking.

For what its worth I have never put the glass to my lips and felt totally confident and without some trepidation and even fear. However, I keep pressing on and moving forward knowing no matter how difficult it may and can get its all for the greater good to help me evolve into the person I wish to be.

I can relate to some of this and I struggled with fear for a long time as well as a fear of growing up. For me the fear of growing up really had to do with this idea that someday I would outgrow using psychedelics.

I like psychedelics. I like to get high. I know the idea of using psychedelics recreationally isn't a popular one on this board but at some point I had to get honest with myself about my intentions because the choice was to get honest, keep lying to myself about what I was doing, or give up the novelty of psychedelic exploration even though I didn't want too.

As to fear in general I learned to accept it as a part of myself when I started to realize that I've always been scared. Life is full of uncertainty. We're matter that has woken up on a rock that's flying through space. I don't know why we're here but I know that someday I will die and I don't know what will happen to me when I do. I know that that moment, that my death, could happen at any time. I'm a creature that's smart enough to know these things. And yes, I find it frightening.

For a long time I believed that in order to be brave I had to be without fear. Now I know that being brave is acting in the face of fear, in owning my feelings, even that feeling we call fear.

Anyway I don't have any practical advice for you. Just figured sharing my experiences and perspective may help you on your journey. Good luck

Honestly I would say go head into it. But I am not sure, I feel like I have always been very close to myself. I love when I get that feeling of "being alone from yourself". Trying to understand yourself from another persons perspective is a huge part in knowing yourself, and a lot of the times its really ugly. But let me quote Terence Mckenna - "You can go as far as your fucking courage takes you." All I am saying is that I understand being scared of yourself. But if you go out with the intent to know yourself. Then do it! There is no trying, you have to go gung ho on this! You just have to keep an open mind, and remember that no matter how scary it gets, its just that much brighter afterwards.

But this is just me ranting, good luck with your journey!

Walter

I can totally understand fear of aya! Nothing wrong with you on that one, it is some damn powerful stuff! I wrote the following to someone who had a dark/negative trip, but may help with any fear.

Thank you for your honesty.

I would not presume to try and interpret your fear. I can relate to it however. What your post touches for me is what I have come to understand as the core fear that arises on any spiritual path: the fear of loss of personal individuality, also known as the "loss of the ego". Aya and pharma shine a very bright light on the pretensions of everyday consciousness. In many spiritual traditions it is expected that spiritual aspirations will activate and sometimes intensify one's attachment to those pretensions. That is certainly what I have experienced in my own quest for enlightenment. I want the truth, I seek the truth, but at a certain point I am gripped by a feeling of terror and a shocking awareness that I don't want THAT truth. The truth of my own egoic insignificance. The truth of my mortality etc. My last pharma trip I was right up against that fear, in every day language the fear of death. I had a vision, more like a premonition, of my future death, and my spirit was expanding and dissolving into a galaxy filled cosmos. The feeling was one of warmth, acceptance and enveloping love. My fear dissipated at that point.

Hope that helps.