WARNING: WALL OF TEXT AHEAD! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! CARRY ON!Is the question: 'why did I start my psychedelic journey,' or 'why did I continue it?' because those are two very different questions.
When I started using drugs, I had never tried psychedelics, only heard of them, and for me they were really no different conceptually from amphetamines, opiates and ecstasy. Just a different kind of high.
I entered college having suffered from depression and anxiety my entire childhood, and nothing had ever worked for it, and I had resigned myself to a life of crippling fear and unhappiness, with the assumption that before too long, I'd end up killing myself and it was only a matter of time.
When I got to college, I discovered drugs for the first time, and after some initial trepidation, I feel in love. Ecstasy in particular really touched me, but in any drug I tried (stimulants, opiates, weed, whatever), I found temporary relief from fear and doubt and I became obsessed with it.
Some of you may recognize this as a start down very bad path.
In that time I tried a lot of drugs, most of the common, addictive ones (and I was heading that way), but not mushrooms (acid had been a bust: one tab of weak stuff). I had done enough research to know that it was a good idea to wait for a nice day, so I saved up my shrooms until a warm spring day. Then, three friends of mine and I went out tripping.
I won't go into boring detail (although I already may have
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), but I knew instantly that the mushroom 'high' (as I thought of it) was different from any other drugs I had tried. It wasn't the pushy confidence of cocaine, or the stupefying euphoria of weed or Fentanyl (which I still sometimes miss), but instead, for the first time in my life, I felt like everything was going to be alright.
Instead of being afraid of the world and trying to wall it off, I found that, with the veil of anxiety and depression lifted, I could look up and out and actually engage with the world. I found beauty in things that I hadn't thought of as even remotely interesting since I was a very small child, before everything bad started to happen.
The highlight of the trip was, standing out in a field, I felt an overwhelming urge to think about God, and to turn my mind outward. I had no idea how to do this, learned as early as middle school that cynical nihilism was the only way to deal with the horror of the world, so I ended up saying a prayer I remembered from when my parents used to take me to church as a child.
It was The Lord's Prayer (Our father, who art in heaven, yada yada yada), and even though I am not, and never will be a Christian, that seemed to be enough to flip a switch in my head and suddenly, there was God. I could understand and conceptualize my relationship with the being I once thought of as God and understood now to be The Universe, and that, contrary to what I had always believed, The Universe loved me.
Terror of death, Hell and damnation instantly evaporated when I realized that it was not a game of myself vs. the whole of creation,but rather, I was a part of it and should be proud and happy with that fact.
The rest of the trip was pleasant enough, but it was that moment that lasted for maybe 3 seconds, tops, that changed my entire worldview.
Over the next few weeks, I found that my depression and anxiety had evaporated and that I had been able to carry some of the understanding that everything would be alright, in the end with me. Once life stopped being a burden, my desire to alter my consciousness dropped significantly. Why would I want to change my head-space when the natural one was so unbelievably wonderful?
After that, I realized that there was power in the class of drugs known as psychedelics and that I should treat them, and myself, better. Tentative steps with DMT and others followed, but it was that moment of wonderful understanding that got me to this place, and away from a much darker one.
TL;DR - I saw God in a field once tripping balls on shrooms and thought it was neat.
"There are many paths up the same mountain."