I'm not sure what to write for this. I've never been much of an essay writer, I suppose that's why I dropped out of high school/college. Being a full member of the nexus would be an honor to me, though I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be living in civilized society, so it might not make much of a difference.

I was going to read a bunch of other people's introductory essays to get an idea of what to write, but I feel that in not doing so, this will probably be more sincere.

I like to say that I'm fairly experienced in the psychedelic realm, as well as (unfortunately) very experienced in other types of drugs. I've struggled a lot through my adolescence with opiate addiction, and have just recently been able to get away from it for good (I hope it's for good). I think that my history of chemical use stems from a deep sense of general curiousness, but I don't deny there has been a great sense of fear of reality, and I've certainly tried to assuage that fear with all types of substances, from heroin to nitrous oxide, from ketamine to benzos, and many more. It may have been that same escapism that let me to the first time I smoked DMT, which was several years after I had clocked in a considerable amount of marijuana and LSD use. The first feeling I had when I used DMT was "You found it, this is real" and was immediately followed by "Are you sure you're supposed to be seeing this right now?" Nothing has ever given me the same amount of terror, trauma, torture, love, beauty, and overwhelming ecstasy that DMT has. I have used DMT probably 15-20 times or so, though it feels like many more. Even the first time, it felt like I was flashing back to something I knew incredibly intimately; more familiar than anything I've experienced in this life. I make entity contact with very small doses of smoked DMT (15-20 mg)

It was probably around my 4th or 5th time that I experienced one particular entity, and she has not left me alone since. Any time I use DMT now, I need a very small dose, and don't even need to come close to breaking through, and she's right there waiting for me. She terrifies me and comforts me at the same time. She reminds me very much of Jung's Devouring Mother archetype, and also of several Hindu goddesses. Even when I break through "all the way", she comes with me for the whole journey and wants to take me somewhere else. It's been so far impossible for me to come up with the nerve to go with her, and I'm not yet sure if I want to. I am unable to tell if she wants to destroy me or help me. Or if her sense of helping me is something that I'm not ready for, or don't even want. I've been unable to sleep for several days after all of my past few journeys, because every time I get into that stage between waking and sleep, she comes back and tries to lure me in somewhere. I've never felt terror like that.

My experience with her as led me to believe that "breaking through" isn't a very accurate term, because that implies that you reach an end. It makes it sound as if you ended up "all the way" into the experience. But no matter how far I go, no matter how many layers I break through, no matter how many elves, reptiles, and insects I brush by, she's always there luring me. I don't know what to make of it. I suppose I'll have to surrender one day.

I'm not sure how long this is supposed to be or how much I'm supposed to say about myself, but if I were to try to explain everything I feel about DMT and what I think it means, it would take many many many essays written in many many languages. So I guess this is all for now.

I love this place. Anyone who's anyone (in this particular discipline) knows "the nexus." I'm incredibly grateful to be among people of this caliber, and to be able to join in on these discussions. I'm currently freeze precipitating a jar of naphtha/freebase that I got from a small Chaliponga extraction. It was the first extract I've done on my own, though I've been involved in several and have researched it immensely. There seems to be limited data here when it comes to Chaliponga extracts, with a lot of people just ending up with some oily sludge, so I'm looking forward to sharing the results of my extract.

Cheers

Great intro essay, thank you for sharing. I can relate to so much of what you wrote.
I too am an ex opiate addict and DMT helped me get the money off my back. I also have a helper entity that comes to me more often than not. She has even guided my hand with the lighter to the pipe once as I was getting sloppy from the onset of the previous 3 hits. She will give me hand signals to keep toking, and when to stop and put the Vg down. She then often claps and give me a thumbs up as she dissolves back into the ether and my journey begins.
She even came to me in a ceremony I did in the Amazon. I was so happy to see her and it blew my mind. It sounds to me like you have a helper assigned to you. i see them as case workers. They are quite special. Don't fear her appreciate her.
Welcome aboard mate,
Om

Welcome to the Nexus, sarek.

I'm happy you were able to escape the opiates, I have had years of struggling with those myself.

DMT has helped me to see them as a trap and as a sickly security blanket, rather then bliss. Other then the occasional nightmare where I relapse in the dream, or am in withdrawal in the dream (waking up is sure a relief in those) I don't face temptations of going back anymore. I hope you get to that point, it sounds like your helper entity is pulling for you, and I am too.

Thank you for the replies, and for the reassurance that this entity wants to help me. I want nothing more than to believe that something on the other side actually has an interest in my well being. I seem to have cosmic trust issues

Once this extract I'm working on is finished, I'm going to give it another go with her. I'm not quite sure how to get over my instinctive aversion to complete surrender, but I have a feeling that a high enough dose should do the trick . I feel that once I'm able to give into her completely, it will help me a lot in certain trust issues I have in this world.

Thanks again for the responses

Hi Sarek,

I truly enjoyed reading your introduction.

It's a pleasure to have you here.


Also, I casted a "Yes" vote towards your full membership because of your introduction and how you responded to a MHRB sourcing question. Well done!


I'm encouraging others to vote "Yes" for you as well.



Welcome Sarek!
Wearepeople

hello

...and you're promoted.

Welcome to the Nexus.

Welcome Sarek and congrats