The stage fright that is!

haha. I'm shy, so this is a bit of a challenge for me to just say "hello this is why I'm here" when I myself don't even really know why I'm here. I have had interest in DMT and other chemicals of a similar nature for some time, but I'd say that the number one reason I decided to join up today on these boards is because I'm just a lost seeker. And just lurking these boards a bit it seems everyone here is a seeker.

Anyway a bit about myself.

I've basically been living a life more or less of self descruction and escapism since I've been a child. The escapism came when I was a child, the self destruction (I'm talking about severe alcohol/pain killer abuse) came a bit later when I was a teenager, and I simply haven't recovered since (I'm currently twenty eight). The best way I can try and narrate my experience of life up to this point to you folks is that I seem to live in a cycle of ups and downs. I go deep into the abyss (isolation, alcoholism, over/under eating, modes of hatred, fear, despair, confusion, etc.) and then I slowly come out of the abyss into the light (being more active and social, working harder, opening up emotionally, etc.) and then I go back into the abyss and it's just a yoyo that just keeps yoyoyoing and it gets so exhausting.

So I'm just in the infant stages now of coming out of the darkness and into the light again. I'm currently doing it with the aid of marijuana and my prescribed medications. At this point merely taking a walk, or playing some basketball, or just saying "I love you" to my mom and giving her a hug... those are all victories at this point. Like any human being I have a lot of pride at times and recognizing and coming to terms with "where I am on the map" so to speak is a tough pill to swallow. But I just have to accept I guess that this is where I am now, and make the best of it. Oh Lord that is so much easier said than done, isn't it?

So anyhoo, that is all for now. I need help any way I can get it. If this forum can be of any help to my spiritual growth, than God bless life, because I need all the help I can get.

And that's my confession. Thank you for listening.

Dear OhBother,
First of all, welcome to the forums!

The Nexian M.O. (mode of operation) is to pull yourself up by your own boot straps and then to check back in and see how you are doing by asking others for confirmation.

You can practice this MO here on the boards about alkaloid extraction.

I am not a chatty cathy type but just thought I would say hey to a fellow human who is having a very normal human experience and offer a bit of advise.

Peace

Dear OhBother,
Stick around. My finding this place is suspiciously coincidental
with some life changes I am struggling, but am damned determined, to implement. I find a peculiar comfort in this community. What you're facing is scary but hey where's the courage if it's not. There are choices only.

Visit here. I care. Your story hits too close...


Check it out http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/drugs-poems/

Thank You both for your responses and thank you for the link Archtypamine

it takes strength to admit to problems and to try to tackle them. In the right circumstances I believe psychedelics can be healing and beneficial, but they can cause problems too. I don't know how much experience you have with them, but the golden rules are set & setting.

Only use psychedelics when in a good mindset & when in a conducive setting, with people you trust.

I always stuck to those two rules & I can honestly say I've never had a bad trip. With experience comes an ability to spot negative trains of thought and head them off before they can spiral out of control, to realise a place or a person is having a negative impact and to remove yourself from it.

Be careful & good luck on your path forwards

For some reason I feel a need to share this writing that I probably wrote many years ago. I don't know why I feel the need to share it and I really don't think I want to waste too much energy on trying to understand why.... but here it is.

People of misery torment the being of the child in the dark unsaved by his mother and father.
To the gates of wandering fear he goes, listening to the barking dog howl his pain asunder.
The dog was the devil and the child was the receiver of his torment. The parents fought, and the sister did see what the brother only felt.
In his youth there grew a large tree filled with cancer and many dying things.
Bugs crawled atop his skin so that they may have some kind of home.
The redness poured from the mouth of the loving mother as she carried me away to the place where they fix you, because the sickness within had to be fixed or else death would take its place.
Many fellow children were dying in the place where people are born and people pass on.
Back to home he came, but he carried the sickness with him into his bed in the night where dreams that could not be reckoned as real or imaginary struck his head with fierce determination.
Those whom he loved had passed on one by one throughout his experience and awakening.
The dead danced in his dreams and in his soul as he died alone many times while still alive.
In search of the truth of the past, he fell ill at the hands of the loving mother who sheltered the sick child.
The dead men danced and howled as they each fought each other to be the first born at the pearly gates, for they did live in purgatory for 15 thousand lives before the light shown upon them a destiny of peace and welcome darkness.
This is the story of the sick child who remains within the belly of his mother for many dark ages.
Take possession of these words and all that has not been will be born to haunt what needs to grow through the haunting.
Who are the child and the mother? It is the will of all living creatures.