Hello nexians,

I have struggled with anxiety for many years now, going through cycles of deep healing/spiritual work to the opposite end of the spectrum of mindless self-medication with alcohol and general over indulgence.

Over the past few weeks I have been working with cannabis during meditation sessions and find myself beginning to penetrate the source of my anxiety. As I approach its source, it swells, pulses and grows fierce inside of my belly. It feels as if I must give birth to this beast before I can truly grow as a human being.

It was revealed to me that I have a very deeply rooted psychological fear. As I approach it, my ego lashes out, squirming with discomfort, retaliating against the very essence of the thing I know I must face. Each time I get close to the fear, my ego successfully manages to shove it deep back into the depths that it comes from.

My issue is that I do not know how I must confront this fear. I have taken quite a long break from psychedelics and I am considering arranging a personal journey with aya or mushrooms. Always healing medicines in my experience.

I am posting here today because I feel as if I need some guidance and advice from any wise souls with similar experiences before I can will myself to a place of confrontation and begin to open myself to healing.

focus on your breathing , listen to the music and look at the details ......all at the same time and all the time

CP,

My 2c, please consume with some salt.

To prepare the way for healing with any substance, I believe it is important that you start the work with your fully sober mind.

You seem to have a great desire to both engage and avoid the fear. The more you can resolve that conflict before entering an altered consciousness, the deeper you will be able to go. If you can, name the fear first and own it (draw it, write about it, whatever). Would you rather have the drug show you the way into a fear that you have been avoiding, or have the drug show you the way out of a fear you have already accepted?

Many things to consider here

yoga, meditation, time in nature, healthy food (nothing processed), lots of water, herbal teas, etc

Apart from that, does weed tend to spark more anxiety for you, or help it? It can be helpful for getting to the root of anxiety but it can also exaggerate it in a bad way at times. If it does i would take a break for a while..For some, it helps with anxiety, but for others it can spark it (even though it fluctuates for each person depending on what point in life they're at with it, how they use it, etc)

Writing along with keeping a dream journal can also help turn ones mind inside out and help move past anxiety

Something like a low/medium dose of mushrooms in a safe and beautiful setting can help. Aya to...harmalas are great for anxiety when used right. Psychedelics hold a lot of promise in this area but its not without some risks of course. Those risks can be lowered greatly by careful preparation and attention to set/setting.

When in doubt...smile ..you'd be surprised how much simply doing that can cause reactions in your brain that lead to calm happiness

best wishes to you

You're not alone. Wish you peace on your journey to find peace.




Anxiety Wins A Round


All night stone is grinding upon stone.
Fear throbs like a dying nerve in a tooth.
Our bed is carried on swift flood waters
swirling round and round among drowned
cows and plucked roofs.

...I know your scent
in the dark and the warmth vibrating
from your shoulders. I know which cat
is curled against my bent knee, which
sprawls with a paw on my calf,

but though I fumble through my ribs
rummage up old costumes of memory,
I have no self, but dangerous night
presses in on my brain like a huge
icy thumb. The moment impales me.

Fear makes me simple, a lab rat lost
in a shocking maze. Dawn will give me back
my intelligence with the rising smoky sun.
I will put on my life with my clothes
and walk on the painted map called reality.


Marge Piercy

My personal belief is that anxiety is a habit.

You can analyse the root cause and think about ways to deal with it until the end of time, but unless you take steps to overide it, you're powerless.

The bottom line, there are good anxiety's and bad anxiety's.... well... Emotions I suppose is a better blanket.

What I'm trying to get at is that I believe the emotions that go hand in hand with negative anxiety's are irrational and any actions taken off the back of them are also irrational.

I've been diagnosed with anxiety disorder and offer'd pills and such, but honestly there's no substitute for someone who you trust to hold your hand and walk you through.

Thank you all for the comments. A broader range of perspective is indeed humbling and insightful.

Most of my healing work and meditation is done in a sober mind-state which has been deeply empowering. Lately, however, I have found cannabis to be a powerful tool. And to answer universecannon, yes, weed does have the tendency to bring out my anxiety, but somehow I am drawn to that aspect of it. With strong intent and focus I am confronted with that grinding fear..occasionally I am able to surrender into it, usually I am not.

When I am able to fully surrender, my being releases all that binds me and transforms it. Fear, grief, pain, doubt, compassion, joy all dance together in the tremendous outpouring of tears. This is the place where I find healing, yet this is the same place that some part of me seeks to suppress.

Perhaps it is time for me to take a little break from the cannabis as I have found myself caught in various illusions/delusions which prove to be counterproductive.

I do appreciate everybody's feedback

You may want to try Passion Flower... Passiflora incarnata, about a level tsp of powder and adjust amt. Is calming and has some MAOI activity. I found it relaxing, but not sleep producing. Use a blender or martini shaker, powder is diff to disperse. Taste no problem.

Yeah i know what you mean. If i actively work with it in the right way then the anxiety gives way to a beautiful experience. But if i do it too often it usually becomes counter productive. its hard to say what one should do really

but anyways, one of the best ways i've found to avoid anxiety with cannabis is to just take small hits every 20 minutes or so

I have used passionflower in the past with some success but I seem to have forgotten that I still keep some around.. think I may go whip up some PF tea right now

Recently I have started using Cannabidiol drops which seems to soften the hard edge that accompanies anxiety (no psychoactive properties). Lots of research coming out on CBD, I am very intrigued by its anxiolytic properties though I haven't been working with it long enough to develop much of an opinion on the stuff.

"Yeah i know what you mean. If i actively work with it in the right way then the anxiety gives way to a beautiful experience. But if i do it too often it usually becomes counter productive. its hard to say what one should do really

but anyways, one of the best ways i've found to avoid anxiety with cannabis is to just take small hits every 20 minutes or so"

Agreed, I think it's getting to the point where I am perhaps becoming reliant on weed to produce such experiences and such reliance seems to give way to lesser experiences.

I suppose I'll just carry on as best I can and stay positive when I can.

Anxiety, the odd creature, seems a feeble thing when I am caught in the blossoming freshness of a new season upon the land

Necessity of polarity: The 'devil' must be exactly as powerful as God, you gotta have extreme N west to have extreme S west in exact measures, and pain and suffering has to have exactly matching degrees of peace and comfort. Probably a trite, cliched piece of garbage. Consider...

Just note that if you are taking small hits of cannabis, you are effectively avoiding the whole issue of anxiety. IME

I know how it feels to take tokes like that. In my experience I will smoke some weed to get through the hours. Just a little edge of weed to make my anxiety bearable. But not too much because i am scared of getting anxiety.. That sounds so bad don't you think? I'm actually afraid of being afraid... Which is what anxiety really is, right? fear.

From reading your original post i've gotten the impression that your fear is rooted in a specific area and that you KNOW what makes you afraid. Since i can relate to all of what you said i am curious as to what this specific object is that makes you afraid? I also thought, perhaps sharing it with us is one way to start taking the bull by the horns and confronting your fears head on.

On another note: I have lessened my anxiety for a while now. The last couple of days i have felt almost completely fearless. Coincidentally i have also started a habit of smoking DMT since these couple of days. Tho, to be fair. I have been working on and gradually improving on my anxiety for the last couple of years aswell.

One event in my memory that stands out in particular to me is when i decided to take a hike in the nearest recreational park at night. By myself. Just me and my ego and my fears battling it out. The darkness and noises in the forest make for a spooky walk. And instead of avoiding whatever would scare me i just went for a strategic analysis of the object i am fearing at that point. In the (for me simulated) jungle this translates to keeping sight of periphical vision. Keeping an eye for any possible threat. Tightening muscles to either run away or fight for your life.

It may sound kind of futile of an exercise that i've tried out but it really helped me deal with some of my deepest fears. Being overpowered by another human being is one of them. It just feels great to being able to do things DESPITE any kind of fear. And guess what? When you do that. The fear goes away with it. Because, as with any phobia that you would overcome. The soul has learned that there really was nothing to fear in the first place.

Aversion therapy. Embrace that f...ker. I had a claustrophobic event in a cave with 6 other guys in a cavern, opening as large as a gymnasium. Stoned, almost nauseous from anxiety and we were going into 'the crawls' which was a vertical crack you had to squeeze through for about 15 yds. I didn't want to be seen as weak, although these guys were buds and would have let me off. I traversed the crawls with a carbide lamp on my hard hat. Scratched my ass all up. We continued on about .75 more miles in a creek bed, bout 3 ft deep in H20. We were going to the 'siphon' and the end of the cave (or origin). At the siphon each of us went as far as possible...with water up to you chin and your hard hat n lite up against the cave roof...

After the crawls and my decision to just do it, claustrophobia left my life. Later after I graduated, got a very good sales job with a Minnesotan mining and mfg'g co. selling into industrials including coal mines. Had to go underground and splice electrical cables in mines no higher than 35 inches throughout. Yes these are common in Appalachia

If not for the crawls my life surely would have gone some other path. I prefer my history at this time however.

Rattlin..... Rattlin. Lot to be said for facing fears. I don't want to sound as if I am so damned brave, or that confronting fear is easy or always healthy at a particular point in one's journey.( Hell, I'm scared to do DMT but I am...when the stuff arrives). I still have unreasonable fears. But when I get anxious, I float back to the cave. It helps.

This is part of the uncertainty. I fear many things..moving forward in life, losing friends and loved ones, the cataclysmic shift of chaos that our species is currently undergoing. But, these are normal fears that I suspect many people have to some degree.

There is something else, this nagging thing at the depths of my being that I cannot pinpoint. Occasionally I have profoundly horrifying night terrors where I am confronted with "it". A suppressed childhood trauma? A past life trauma left undealt with? I cannot say but I get a strong sense that it is something that I have carried with me into this life, to be uncovered as the passing of time permits.

It makes the confrontation of this fear so elusive because I simply do not know what the thing is.

Sorry if i sound silly. I'm just gonna try and insert words that might help you based on how i view my own personal reality. If i'm missing the ball it is because i am not effectively placing myself in your position. I am certainly not a trained psychologist and don't have acces to all the information a trained professional needs to be able to work with any merit.



Ahh, all those things involve "to change" in some way. Things that are out of your control change all the time. "to change" is usually only for the best. It means opening up a new chapter. Perhaps the cosmic reality scrambler has choosen new set and setting with different variables for you because you are ready to learn a new lesson in life. Or because you are done with an old program.

Whatever makes you accept that change is for the best. Especially if it is completely out of your control. All the more reason to just accept what is happening. Yea, it's normal i guess. I certainly share some of that with you.



Do you actually remember some of the confrontation in dreams? Or is it just the feeling that these dreams give you that you remember?

In either case, have you thought of talking to a psychologist about this? Not to exaggerate your problems right now. But it could at least be interesting to see someone for this and hear a professional's point of view.

If you are having traits deeply rooted in your psyche, i am postive a drug like DMT can also be of service in uncovering the source of this trait in your soul/psyche. But only if it is important enough to surface in these situations. Especially if your situation is experienced in dreams and subconscious activity makes me believe DMT has the ability to unconver and resurface these normally unconscious workings of the mind.

But this requires a certain degree of control on your fears. Being able to take whatever is coming at you, without knowing how hard or how fast it's going to come at you. Naturally this brings about anxiety of what's going to happen. And fear might take hold of you. Taking action despite this fear allows you to see with absolute clarity what follows. And the soul can learn that there is nothing to fear. As long as it maintains the focus to control or be aware of fear. And dismissing it, trough reasoning. Should fear rise in your moment of being.

it helps to eat some mushrooms..one of the last remains of the ancient magics of this world..

and they help.

They break me apart.

Only then do I feel whole again.

I suffered with horrible crippling anxiety my whole life. Mushrooms save my life in so many ways.

you have gotten a lot of good ideas and methods to working through your anxiety. For me I had some serious demons in the closet, deeply suppressed memories that came out in ayahuasca ceremonies. So if your called I would highly recommend finding a good safe group of if comfortable a sitter and have your own healing series of ceremonies.

It wont always be easy but if you can stay the course you CAN free yourself from the enslavement of the fears the grip us so tightly. We are here for you if you need us. please feel free to tell us how we can help and PM me if you ever need to talk in private. Ive been there mate, walked through the fire and am becoming the man I knew was possible. Its and incredible journey and I need not look or ask what is the meaning of life anymore.

For me I feel over coming this pain and suffering has been the most important thing i have ever done.

Your words resonate with me infectedstyle, thanks for the feedback.



They are not so much dreams as they are an outburst of raw and pure fear in an unconscious to semi-conscious state. I have a vivid memory of one of these outbursts where this feeling engulfed me.. unparalleled terror, and I physically ran from my bed to the other side of my room, blindly traversing obstacles in the dark and successfully making it to a chair where I came to and my heartbeat slowed. I was running away from something massive that would inevitably engulf and consume my being. I feel its lurking presence like a shadow, a constant reminder.



Thanks for the kind words om.

I certainly do feel a calling. I feel as if I am developing the understanding that I was thrust forth into existence to transcend the fears that bind me. At this stage in the game it's only myself holding back. I see it, I am aware of it, I must develop the strength to walk into it.

I struggle with so many trivial concerns. How can I commit to something so profound as well as sustain my existence with grueling work weeks? I surround myself with old friends that I am losing a connection with, I do not have an understanding and safe group of friends to fully nurture and sustain a mutual healing process. Mere obstacles to be overcome I suppose.

I greatly appreciate all the support, it really is helping to open the doorway towards purity.

Cosmic Playground.
These people here want you flowing with life. BELIEVE it is coming. I swear it is coming. I'll leave you be to it. I, myself am going up on my roof, to gather you some leaves.






‘The Little Lives of Earth and Form’

The little lives of earth and form,
Of finding food, and keeping warm,
Are not like ours, and yet
A kinship lingers nonetheless:
We hanker for the homeliness
Of den, and hole, and set.

And this identity we feel
— Perhaps not right, perhaps not real —
Will link us constantly;
I see the rock, the clay, the chalk,
The flattened grass, the swaying stalk,
And it is you I see.


Philip Larkin