tl;dr -> Can a guided, strong ayahuasca trip help me align my actions with my will/intentions? Strengthen my willpower?

Hello my brothers,

This post will be a bit meandering. Just trying to paint the foundational picture of me life. The ultimate question is "will ayahuasca help me?".

I've been really mixed up lately. Swinging emotions. Pessimistic and optimistic. Stuck in a rut. Dreaming big but finding myself unable to take bold steps toward achieving them. Starting many projects/goals and following through with practically none of them.

My history with DMT. I've only "broken through" once, I would say. A half dozen or so times where I got to the point where I forgot I was human. Lots of times mixed with other psychedelics making ineffable joyous loving oozing me-less experiences. I've been far, but usually flippantly. My first, real, intentional, full-on, no other chemicals in my body, smoked breakthrough was around 3 years ago now. I am scared and excited at the prospect of future breakthroughs. But genuinely scared and timid. I have never had a proper, strong ayahuasca experience.

Anyhow. I am mixed up. Desperately trying to manifest my dreams. But I am struggling with it. I have a kratom dependency and abuse methoxetamine regularly. The methoxetamine makes me dream big ideas, so I find it valuable, but it is as much a crutch as a spyglass/microscope/telescope at this point. I have accumulated the ideas and plans I think I need to live prosperously. But I continue to be stuck in this rut. I don't act on my dreams with my whole heart. I want to help, to spread love and information, but I have serious trouble getting myself to do so. So social anxiety has become a problem.

I used to tell myself (3-6 years ago, in my "heyday" I guess I'd call it) that I needed a good mushroom trip at least once a year to maintain sanity. It has been 2-3 years since I have had the wherewithal to take the difficult but rewarding tryptamine plunge. I will occasionally dip my toe into the shallow end of the pool, but I have not (since 2-3 years) really shot myself out there. I have been scared of it. A kind of awe and reverence and respect mixed with trepidation.

The crux of the post. Will a proper ayahuasca experience help me? Should I do it solo, with a trusted trip-sitter in a nearby room, or seek out one of the ayahuasca retreat sort of things? I am scared to the bone, but the plunge very well may help me put my shit in perspective. Do you think it will help me?

Can any of you share experiences or point me toward writings/videos where people have used ayahuasca successfully to help make a similar change? To help strengthen the will? Or am I looking for help in all the wrong places?

I rather want a devoted and intelligent soul to guide me through the experience. An Ann Shulgin / Esalen Institute type of educated psych-whatever. Someone who has experienced psychedelics and studied them and observed their effects on peoples lives. How do I find these people in the USA? I think that generally psycho-whoevers don't help people grow, rather they help them "fit in". I think the norm is to drug people into complacency. I'm trying to avoid that (SSRI/etc) route.

Do you think a powerful ayahuasca experience will help? How do you think I should go about it? I would love to hear some success stories of people in similar situations. Emerging out the other side more competent and purpose-driven. More consciously driven. Acting less out of inherited habits?

I thank you folks more than you can know. Sorry if my post is disjointed.

Every case and every person is of course different, so I don't know if ayahuasca will help you. I will relat to you my personal experience though.

About three years ago I started feeling like I needed to change badly. I found myself in an overall situation that I did not like. I started looking for answers. I had not tripped in a good time - like you, two to three years nothing - and got the feeling some mushrooms or something could help me. I also started reading up on DMT.

Once I started with a medium mushroom dose and extracted DMT all hell broke lose in my world. I started realizing just how deep my own dissatisfaction went and had to start making a row of changes. I ended the relationship I was in, moved to a new apartment and discontinued friendship with a lot of people that were tied into the former relationship. But still I didn't feel well. Something more needed to change. I took pharmahuasca and got a very clear message to follow my heart and trust in my own path. I didn't see it though, I didn't see my path nor where it was supposed to take me.

I became very frustrated over the next months. A very bad mushroom trip and some external events finally led me to the point where I decided to quit my job, which I hated and take a free-fall plunge into the unknown. Pharmahuasca gave me an incredible affirming trip with lots of love and light and confidence that I personally was lacking. But there I was.

Shortly after things started lining up for me and my path became much clearer to me. I found out what I wanted to be doing, at least for now, I moved to a new country, I met the person I am now living with (and hopefully for a long time ahead) and feel like I am just where I want to be.

I did have to sacrifice social status for it. My job now is much lower on the scale of social standing than what I was doing before. I also earn a lot less than before. And I had to change just about everything in my life except for my name... But I am living much better and I am certain that these changes were catalyzed by the messages I got both from pharmahuasca and mushrooms.

Will ayahuasca help you? It might. But you have to be willing to make the changes and take the steps. This may be painful and seem radical. But if it's where your heart is at, it's worth it IMO.

good luck

Enoon, thank you for those words. It is very nice to hear from a name I remember from back when I was on this board daily.

I've sacrificed my social status and a lot of my friendships already these past few years. They were largely untrue and unhelpful to where my heart/dreams tell me to be. I know and expect the further changes to be difficult, painful, soul-shaking, to throw everything I hold dear into disarray. But I direly want to at least try. I fully expect a strong mushroom/pharma/ayahuascha trip to throw me into discontent and upheaval for a while. I could really use some reinforcement that I am right in following my gut, and if your trips gave that to you, it is further evidence I should try this route myself. Your story gives me inspiration and hope though, and I thank you again for relating what you could.

edit: A question occurs to me. How did you do pharmahuasca? Was it alone? And a very strong dose? Or did you use a retreat / trip-sitter?

I found this thread while looking for something unrelated, and I read it anyway..

Now i'm curious; Did you ever find what you were looking for ?

Regardless, it would be interesting to 'hear' your thoughts.. on how the situation evolved.

Indeed it would. Ive been considering ayahuasca recently but feel now isnt the time but a mushroom is calling me.
Has anyone had good synergy vaping harmalas on a low-med mushroom dose?
Is it possible to ramp the intensity up for short periods of time when you feel youre ready to travel deeper?