In everything I do. I have addictive tendencies towards anything I enjoy. I am depressed. I can enjoy life sometimes but most of the Time i don't. I have gone to rehab and seen a psychiatrist. I just wish to be happy to be alive. I appreciate life so much after I trip, but i wish it lasted a little longer. I am a pleasure rapist. I take advantage of all that feels good. I wish to help people. I wish to not be selfish. I wish to live. Any advice will help me at this point. It is hard for me to tell you all this, but you are the most intelligent people I know. I just wish I had novelty in my daily life, it's all so pointless.

I hear ya. My only advice would be to try and find something to fill your mind other than drugs. Maybe make music or draw or paint. Something that you enjoy that doesn't require getting high?

Well, you are strong for realizing this about your personality.

I also have that trait. It is a lovable and yet disastrous thing at the same time.

You need to find things that are healthy to do.

I work out almost everyday. Between running 12-15miles, biking 30miles, hiking 6miles, and pumping weights for my upper body, I am feeling pretty good all the time.

Not only do you need something active and healthy but you have to have a diet that reflects it.

Eat healthier, you always can ;].

Look for happiness in healthy places and you shall live life in bliss.

I feel you, bud. I have similar tendencies. I am quite indulgent, and somewhat hedonistic.

Find a hobby, any hobby. It doesn't matter! If you get bored with it, find a new one. Repeat. Eventually, hopefully, something will stick. I have many hobbies that I love to do currently, but making art seems to have stuck pretty well.

"Between running 12-15miles, biking 30miles, hiking 6miles, and pumping weights for my upper body, I am feeling pretty good all the time."

wtf DeDao..you do that every day? What? How do you find the time to do anything else? I run like 15 minutes a day..I cant imagine running 15 miles and then biking 30 miles..then lifting weights.

Are you training for MMA?lol

I can definitely relate. I strongly suggest meditating daily, doesn't have to be for long. Maybe start with 5 and move on to 10 minutes. I've done this for the past year and it's worked so many subtle wonders into my life. It can be hard sometimes to keep it up, I put a sticker on my calendar for every day done and that helps a lot. It may take a few weeks to really notice the changes but I can tell especially when I stop how much it really was helping.

my advice would be to focus on quality of experience, not quantity. Let indulgences be your reward for living an efficient, productive, giving to others sort of life. And not having the focus be on trying to suck the value out of everything. You already know your way of being is making you sick. Your motivation for change will be that you don't want to feel shitty anymore. And rather than just complain about how shitty you feel now and become addicted to negative thinking, you will take action, and make it a goal to not be addicted to shit. If you feel like you're only doing something because you're addicted to the pleasure it brings, stop it. If you feel like you're doing something because it actually adds some kind of value to your life or others, do that. Nothing wrong with indulging once in a while though.

I think he does a different one each day.

I completely feel you Philosopher. I have an addictive personality as well. Heck, I just got off doing Kratom for months. I was doing it every day, 20-30g a day. It's not the plants fault though, I knew it was me all along and never lost sight of that. I knew something had to change. Several months ago, me and my girlfriend joined a 24/7 gym pretty close to my house. I used to always work out but had stopped for many months at a time. Im here to say that the gym is one of the best things, if your looking to increase the feel good chemicals and have a healthier mind-body connection, and just be healthier overall. With a park also being near my house, walking everyday has become ritual. Nothings better than exercise in the outdoors.

Thank you so much everyone. Thanks for all the advice and thanks for relating so much. I used to work out everyday, but I am never motivated to do anything, it all seems pointless. I will start exercising daily again, I know there must've been a reason I didn't quit for a few months. Also walking and biking will help, now that it's warming up. The addictive trait is good and bad like you said, I am completely devoted and in love with my girlfriend. I want to see her everyday, and she feels the same. She makes me happy, but we have to separate. We are going to different colleges and there's nothing I can do. Even if we did get back together after college my family wouldn't like it at all. Since she is catholic and I am Jewish. But to me religion should not be something that separates two people in love. I wish religion didn't exist most of the time, I wish people were free to decide what is holy through direct expirience. Instead of being born into belief.

Anyway, it is just hard being depressed and an addict. Those 2 things really drain the love from life. I look at everything the same way. I try to block it out and not think about it, but on the inside I know everything is pointless. It's not worth the effort. The things I have to do to keep this body alive and able to have a prosperous future are an eternal chore. Depression is like working without pay. A slave to the world. I have to do the same thing as everyone else, except I don't feel the benefits like them. I can get better and I will. Psychedelics helped me last year, I escaped my depressive thought loop for a couple months. I stopped abusing and started appreciating. I felt harmony in work instead of treating it like an infinite checklist. Intellectually I know so much about how to feel better, I know how to be happy, I know what to do, but it never works. My old pattern of instant gratification demolishes any constructive behaviors.

I used to smoke weed everyday, and I was happier. Once high I felt completely free and back to baseline or above it. I would always think, there is so much to do! Why don't I ever do anything. I'd have fun and explore life like it was new. Until the high wears off, I slowly creep back into my thoughts. Suddenly stop playing guitar once I realize, I'm just gonna pluck more strings, move my fingers on the board, I'm just gonna have to keep thinking of things to sound good so I don't feel bad about my ability. Then I stop. Weed helped for a few hours, which was enough for me. I'm used to a few minutes of that feeling a day, I loved having a sure fire way to attain hours of that feeling. Until I wanted more, I wanted to always feel normal, I smoked 3 times a day and it became the only reason to continue. The point is to feel good, do what makes you happy, smoke weed. But it made regular life into a monotonous wait, I'm in line for a roller coaster for hours, just to feel normal. Then I got charged with possession and I haven't smoked for 4 months. But then I drank. I hate alcohol, I always have, maybe not beer but hard alcohol was poison, a toxin. I usually don't drink, but randomly go for a few days being an alcoholic until I can't take the poison anymore and it's not worth the feeling.

It felt like society stole from me the one thing I needed for happiness. They all were just trying to make me finally do it, just give up. I know that's not true, but it feels like it. I won't give up. The only thing I know to my core of existence is to never kill yourself. It is a forfeiting of a precious gift. Give up the potential to be happy for the gauruntee to not feel like this anymore. It's a tempting devil but I won't do it, ever.

Idk why I just let that out to everyone, don't feel obliged to read it. It was more for myself I guess. This isn't some cry for help or to seek attention, I'm self conscious, just don't judge. I know your all great people here, so I feel safe to share, but I can't even tell this stuff to my family or friends.

Also, to end that long sad entry with hope. I am getting better. I added a new antidepressant to my regimen, Wellbutrin, I really recommend it for anyone suffering and looking at medication. I want to be med free, but I'm scared, Idk how bad I'll get. It also makes tripping almost impossible, but I can if I do a larger dose of mushrooms with at least a few months between use. I've been like this for 2 years, and this is the best I feel in the past 2 years. It's not good, or happy, but it's better. Better is a lot more hopeful than worse, or no change.

Hah! No Jamie, in a week. ;]

I completely agree with the exercise thing as well as a diet loaded with fruits and veggies. Daily meditation, for me, is also immensely helpful.

I think one of the most important things I had to internalize that really helped with bad habits was that most of those habits didn't come to be overnight and most won't go away overnight. (I'm still working on many, lol). Being a better person, for me, is a road, not a destination.

Good luck brother... I know it can be hard.

I'm an addict too and I hate myself for it I suffered some kind of brain damage 2 years ago(ayahuasca+nootrpics) and since then alcohol became my only relief. I keep observing my how mind behaves and it's absolutely disgusting how your pleasure circuits rewire themselves, during a hangover you think one pattern(never to drink again), next day you brain just thinks totally different and comes up with all kind of excuses and you just can't help it but submit.

Excercise is great(running through streets on a sunny day...), so is health food(salt fermented veggies especially... both extremely tasty and a super food in itself). Some days it's just not enough though.


A tip though, I found noopept(twice/thrice a day) being very helpful with addictive tendencies. It's kinda makes you emotionless(in a good way) and that makes it much easier not to give in.

Wow, I totally relate to how you feel and the battle with addiction, Philosopher, and it can get better. If you don't already, give pranayama and/or yoga a try. I don't know how, but it seems to put a bit of daylight between the mind and those habituated patterns, at least enough to begin the process of breaking down the crap behind them.

Good luck, and we're here for you.

thanks guys. I definitely wanna look in to yoga and meditate, but I'm just not patient enough. Ill get to it someday.

Can i change my answer to exercise? All the things i named are best done while high