My very first DMT experience was joining an ayahuasca ceremony, three years ago when I was 18. During a big part of the trip I had trouble letting go, and was overthinking 'what do I have to do, oh right I have to surrender, let go'. This because I was pretty nervous and in daily life I tend to overthink a lot. After torturing myself this way for a while, I became so tired of myself and my thinking, the thought passed my mind 'screw it, I don't care what happens, even if I die'. I guess this was the ultimate surrender to the ayahuasca and immediatly the trip became really intense. As if all the supressed energy was released. I can't remember what I saw exactly, but I know I got the message about loving my friends, and my dad who I don't see that often because he lives in a foreign country. Like 30 into this it got too heavy, everything was moving and vibrating like crazy and I had to vomit. The woman leading the ceremony sat next to me, and the first thing I asked was: am I going crazy? I hugged her and let all of my emotions out, crying and feeling warmth and love by hugging her. I had never experienced this much warmth and was probably one of the most liberating experiences in my life.
Now, almost three years later I got reunited with DMT again. I hadn't seen the woman who leaded the ceremony for a while, and I went down to her house thinking we would talk a little and maybe play some guitar. When i arrived there were three other people i didn't know, which made me a bit socially anxious (still overthinking things). They were going to smoke DMT and after one of them had blasted off, I got offered to try it. The months before I had been thinking about it, and wanted to try smoked DMT, so I said yes. We used the ash-spice-ash method and they didn't weigh the amount. Just got some, like, yes that's more than enough and put it in. I took a really big toke, exhaling all my air first and inhaling really slow until no more smoalk could fill my lungs. Immediatly after I took this hit I felt the effects, lied down, and colourfull patterns closed the world I knew like closing curtains. It was so powerfull, I panicked and started fighting it. All my life I have been controlling my emotions, in order to get through heavy family problems. I know I still have a lot of unprocessed feelings of anger and grief inside of me, and maybe this is the reason I didn't want to let go, because I was scared of what would happen. So it was a pretty difficult experience, fighting against something so powerfull. I forgot almost everything, but I have the idea that after a while I started surrendering some more and I have been told something. When I started coming back again, I felt mindblown and a bit liberated maybe, screaming WOW, several times and exclaiming some relief-shouts. Everybody in the room was smiling at me and joined me in some happy cheering. I hugged her again, and again felt incredible warmth and the room was filled with positive energy. A nice rhythmic percussive song came up and we danced it off. After this experience I have been integrating it and it helped me open up again, expressing some of my supressed feeling and I cried again for the first time in about a year. Allthough dmt scares me, I knew I wanted to explore this realm further and benefit from it's teaching and healing properties.
At this point I found the nexus, and for a couple of weeks have been learning about DMT and extraction. I did my first own extraction and enhanced some passionflower with it, 40:60. Two days ago, about a month after the last experience, a friend and me smoked a small dose, about 18 mg, through a waterbong. I was really nervous and during the trip i felt my heart beating really hard. I was a bit scared again, but less than the other time. Allthough the experience may be a bit frightening and unpleasant, when I come down I get a big smile on my face and i feel 'Wowed' and liberated. Me and my friend want to keep working with DMT, starting to get familiar and at ease in these realms, by keeping the dose pretty low. When we feel comfortable we might try a higher dose again.
Thanks for reading this. It might be a bit long, and not really detailed, but anyway it feels nice for me writing it all down. Maybe someone recognizes some elements of my experience and has some tips. Bummer I can't really remember the experience, could be because at the moment I was fighting it and didn't want to see it.
Thanks again for reading, safe travels
