I had vaporized DMT approximately 30-35 times before that night. The range of experiences were surprisingly varied and unique. From painful burning body sensations accompanying dread of my ceiling fan that had turned into an other-worldly monster staring straight through my soul, to the most peaceful, bliss-filled, serene journeys across the hypercolor highways of the Gyrating Geometry Kingdom.
I felt like I had reached the point where I was ready to up the ante, and let the vibrational buildup shred me completely before exhaling. I had always let the 3rd lungful go just as I thought I was about to literally explode from the sound and pressure in my head. Well.. Now.. It was time to explode.
Before this, I had several journeys where I thought I had "broken through", and they very well may have been. They were deeply touching, eye opening, and personal. In the past year and a half, I had gone from a cynical, pessimistic, staunch atheist to ... well.. whatever it is I am today. Something completely different.
But none of that could have prepared me for that night.
I packed my vaporizer with a tad-more-than-usual fresh white gleaming crystals and held it close to my heart, while shivering from the pre-flight anxiety. I bundled up because I knew the cold would be coming like a flash frost through my vascular space. I meditated for at least 30 minutes, then began asking myself honest questions.. "Why was I doing this?".. "What did I want to learn?".. Answering each in a way that helped to clear any frivolity from my neurons abuzz with a mixture of excitement and apprehension.
Time to go.
First Inhale. Heat the bowl, prime my blood, reacquaint myself with vibrational changes, lessen anxiety, gather courage, enjoy the invisible birds chirping, let the adrenaline normalize, wait for heart to stop beating so noticeably forcefully.
Second Inhale. Here comes the sound. It's very faint at first, but it builds at a consistent rate. My sense of touch muddles with the space around me and I can't tell where my body ends and my bed begins. If I've learned one thing, it's to go with the flow, and not fight anything from this point on, no matter how different or unexpected. But so far, so good. As the vapor swirls around my alveolar sacs and the concentration increases, the familiar sense of self... of me.. begins melting like butter. I close my eyes as the sound is now at a level comparable to that of the grasshoppers at night during mating season.
Many times previous, I would stop at this point, and ride whatever wave I had found myself on. This is a good place to be. Many good times were and are to be had here. But I had made my plans, and I was sticking to my guns.
Third Inhale. Deep, Long, Painful.. (and no, not in the pornographic sort of way).. I close my eyes and wait. It doesn't take long. The sound builds. A smooth slope up the decibel scale until it is like standing next to a dragster as it fires up its engines and SCREAMS as it rips the track apart in a spin out. The pressure in my forehead mounts at the same time, and this is where I feel like I will surely explode, and until now, I always would purposefully exhale and breath fresh air to stop the build up.
But not this time.
Then all at once, just a couple seconds later, it is quiet. I am no longer human. I fly through the swirling geometry, past white lights, and break free and open into ultimate consciousness. I connect into the energy of all that is. I experience thousands of lives per second, touching upon each one briefly, but feeling the infinite connectivity of each and every one, like flipping through the Rolodex of existence, except it seems like I'm now merged with the roll of plastic at the center to which all of the cards are plugged into.
I see how the Lizard Man on Mount Sram pointing to his solar system's star connects with the protozoa engulfing bacteria in some unnamed cold lake hundreds of light years away. I feel the energy animating a cute girl's cheerleading practice; the very same energy that breathes the last breath of life into a dying elderly woman who has opted to give up her fight that very moment.
What felt like thousands upon thousands of lives flash through my awareness - quick glimpses, but so real, so palpable, all connected. All thoughts of my personal identity, ego or what I had done or what I was trying to do were all gone. Never before had the phrase "I am" felt so brought to life. I just simply *was*, as I slithered through the uncountable tendrils of being interspersed through not only our universe, but what seemed like different dimensions and possibilities... and all in the span of about 20 minutes.
I came out of it with tears in my eyes. I had heard people all over the internet insist that "we are all one".. and about "unity consciousness", etc. etc... But I never got to experience it for myself until that night.
There seems to me, to be an infinitely intelligent source of energy that gives all things their properties, from simple rocks to highly advanced alien species. This world is beyond our brain's capability to reconcile all that is at this point. I don't think I could have asked for any better gift than believing in something like that.
“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.”
~Socrates (470 BC-399 BC)