Born right in the middle of the American socioeconomic spectrum in the 80s. Force fed school doctrine and judeo-christian philosophy. Went to college to become successful. This is where things became tricky, to become successful I had to first define success. Success for me meant maximizing time spent being happy and minimizing suffering. Being happy is a shy state of being that changes form from time to time, sometimes forward sometimes backwards. Ignorance is bliss, but we are here to learn right?

The way the world works, the way evolution works, it is cruel. The wider the eye opens the more the ratio of suffering to blissfulness seems to skew for the worse. But there is an ascending theme to it. As if we can keep crawling through the muck of this negative world, one day we shall earn freedom.

Psychedelics offered me a different perspective from this logical mechanized way of thinking. There very fact such a thing exists speaks volumes of this existence. I have studied with these plant teachers, and have seen a kind of chaos that parallels the real world. A kind of unpredictable yet patterned experience that can be made mostly enjoyable, but always the looming shadow of suffering is still there. I am fearful of this world, and I am fearful of the hyperspace world, and even the next world, as the two before it are likely its allegorical cousins.

I have found happiness in the many revelations that come to me, I consider these works of the mind to be the greatest success. It is a solemn happiness to learn through experience, for it is not always like the oral traditions passed on by man that paint things so splendidly and wrap up all questions with unquestionable answers. I am glad this community exists, for its very existence fills a hole in me whether or not I choose to join it, as I am sure it has done for many others who lurk here.

However I am far from fulfilled. My fear has kept me from venturing deep into hyperspace, there is a certain point in which a powerful dread overcomes me, the room darkens, and I call it a night. Also I have no girl who can share in my experience and happiness with, often times when using less potent and visual psychedelics, such as lsd, I will cry for hours, mourning what I have lost, even mourning over the fact I am mourning when I have been blessed with all that I need and more. Life is so uncertain and confusing. Of all the experiences I have been through and altered consciousnesses I have enjoyed, I seem to gain the most happiness just sitting down and drinking a cup of coffee while playing a game of league of legends... But still I press onward, to expand and not stagnate, to truly learn to live and live to learn.

I have taken information from this forum and I have things to contribute as well, mostly simple light hearted things like stories, music, and metaphysical conjecture. This place has always been, in my opinion, holding a different and extremely valuable perspective than other forums that specialize in these things, thanks to our sacred plant teachers. Thank you for reading!

Thanks to you for posting.

It's difficult to address someone's fear and negativity when you barely know them. It's even more difficult to do it when they don't know you, and if on top of that you try to do it with a few lines of text in an internet community, the difficulty level approaches Sheer Folly, but I'm going to roll anyways.

Psychedelics can and do show you unexpected perspectives. They can turn you inside out like a worn sock, they can reveal patterns you didn't even suspect that existed and in some memorable cases they can kick your butt so hard you jump out of yourself and are offered one big look. That is, if you really care to look. But no matter what they do, psychedelics involve a manifestation of yourself. Even if they turn out so alien you cannot recognize a thing, the vision, the insight is not in the molecule; it's in yourself.

My point is, I think truly learning with psychedelics requires awareness about one self, and a degree of self acceptance. I read today from a contact in a social network: "Tension is who you think you should be; relaxation is who you truly are."

Have you wondered where's that fear coming from? Really coming from? Have you tried to meditate, and take one big look at it, without judging, just observing?

But in any case, I don't think there's anything wrong with being happy sipping a cup of coffee and playing a game.

Welcome to the Nexus.

Greetings, Animusignotus,

Thank you for posting. It was an interesting read. I was left with conflicting emotions, but I can see that you are an intelligent person struggling to deal with the burden of fear and sadness.

I haven't had your experiences or lived your life, but I do know what it is like to deal with extreme sadness, and be very afraid on a continuous basis.

Happiness can be pretty elusive, it's the gold ring, the holy grail that many of us spend our whole lives searching for and seeking.




Reading this made me see just how sad you are....and I cant relate to this bleak point of view, I have shared it in the past. You know what helped me? I stopped watching the news. I stopped reading it (unless someone shares an interesting story on another internet community/network, so I cannot get away from it entirely, as the news can be rather important. I just stopped the daily routine of viewing it.
And instead, went for walks in the forest and felt the peace and quiet, let myself become quiet so that the animals resumed their daily routines of foraging and ''talking'' to one another (well, the acre or so of trees the land that urban designers put, or not cut down, in the suburban bedroom towns), Drove my car out into the country at night time and watched the stars by myself. Allowed myself, even in a big city, to enjoy a sunset or a sunrise. I also stopped watching TV . Now, I cannot stand to watch one second of any commercial.

I see commercialism as you see the world, so many people just being brainwashed into consumers.....it's no wonder that the zombie apocalypse memes, tv shows, movies are so popular - they are portraying or reflecting the human race as it is now - zombified brainless dummies who's only motivation, drive, purpose is to consume.
It's easy to allow oneself to get down by all the evil and negative aspects of humanity's current condition.
I wonder if what you meant by freedom from it, was death? Since I consider freedom to be a permanent condition, not just a temporary one.



I had a similar experience after I took a similar substance (LSA) I cried because I recalled every single painful moment in my life that I had forgotten for 35 years, they were all coming back one after the other, each memory I thought I had dealt with or completely suppressed in my subconscious, came out. I cried for hours and purged and purged, I lost a lot of fluid that night, and got extremely dehydrated. I believe that if you cry while under the influence of LSD or LSA, I think it means that it is something you need to do. You needed to cry. You need to feel, to really feel and experience the pain that you had put aside, even pain that you thought you had dealt with reasonably, when it comes out, I think it's because you did not allow yourself to experience it. I think that when someone has been subjected to a certain amount of pain in their (early) life, they become intolerant to any more pain, they have reached their capacity, and any new pain gets simply shoved down and placed in the ''forget this'' bin in our brains, or gets a good dose of apathy instead, or better yet, good old denial. ''This doesn't hurt at all''.

And if you really had all that you needed, you would not be sad or crying, because pain comes from either not being able to meet our own needs, or someone being able to meet our needs but rejects us, neglects us, ignores us for whatever reason. When we have all of our needs (not wants) met, we find peace, we find what we are looking for. The most basic of needs that most humans have is to be loved and to love. And we usually look for love outside of ourselves, we usually look for love in someone else.

Psychedelics just point us in the direction we should go....Are you scared of what they will show you,? From reading others experience with DMT, it can show you that you don't need to be afraid, that fear itself is our biggest enemy. Facing our fears, takes a lot of courage, encouragement and determination but also support.

Like Vodsel said, meditation can really help you to just quiet the constant chatter of thoughts, (I've never been able to make them silent, yet, but I can focus myself from hearing them so loudly). You might learn a lot about yourself that you did not realize before.

I know that having someone we love in your life, can make us think we'll be happier. I know that feeling of being alone, and lonely and needing someone. I was with someone who was supposed to be that person, but I have never felt more alone and sad than when I was with them. I tried finding love in others, but, that was just a bandaid. It did not fix the part in me that was broken or missing. I learned to find solace and comfort in being alone and by myself. I was not as smart or as wise as others, I had to learn that lesson the hard way - being with someone who treats you like they hate you sure made singleness look like paradise. I hope you can experience the positive side of being single, and see it's perks.

Face your fears. Have a sitter with you always. Relax your mind.

Welcome to the Nexus animusignotus.

I greatly enjoyed reading your post. I was raised in a Christian household similar to you. And i can understand your point of view.

This is a very very great site. There are many wonderful contributing members and there is a lot of knowledge and support here that I haven't found anywhere else. The attitude here is what makes it different. I feel like you will make a good part of this community.

And the only advise I can give you is that the only thing to fear is fear itself. The world may be cruel but fear will only make it worse.

Welcome,
Hostilis.

welcome to The Nexus

enjoyed reading your intro , i can resonate with much of what you said ,

however i'll say just make the best of it ,
i am one of those who even enjoy their pain

This made me think. In all my past relationships I have been torn up by tore up with sadness when they ended. My last relationship, with a girl who I strongly felt was right for me, began to turn bad. She became emotionally abusive to me. I believe I have mild aspergers, and this interferes with my social skills and abilities to express emotion normally. She would drink and become spiteful, calling me an emotionless robot and that I didn't love her, and when I would begin to cry she would call me a little bitch and that she never dated a guy who cried as much as I would, which in my opinion contradicts her earlier claims of me being a robot. I kept telling her I just express love differently. I was the one who worked, gave up all my free time I used to spend gaming and meditating/tripping, and even had to come home to clean up the house because she was to depressed to clean. I have to stop myself before this becomes a rant. Anyways when she broke up with me I did not feel the usual pain, actually I was relieved at first, and put the hurt into the forget this bin. I hadn't stopped the hurt from coming. It came. Somehow or other it came just the same.

I think you are right about when you cry on these substances that it needed to be. It is part of the experience and is necessary for resolution. Sometimes I very much enjoy it, even when the pained memories grieve me to my core. That is my limitation on 'enjoying pain' I am not as stalwart as some of you nexians are.

Thanks for everyone's advice, like Vodsel mentioned, it is difficult to address someones problems when you don't know them at all, but they way these responses spoke to me make it seem like it was actually easy to do, just speaking things that resonate and letting the pieces fall as they may.

I feel like this community is going to help me on my journey whether I outright ask for advice or not.

So on a different note how many posts do I need to get promoted? Can I post on any board in this welcome forum section? Also I have a few trippy stories to tell. Some are dangerous things I would never repeat, but others may learn from and enjoy reading, I don't know if these kinds are allowed or not. I am most interested in the music and art sections here, discovering the true nature of these ambient psychedelic musics while tripping is simply amazing and has inspired and improved my life in some of the most fundamental ways. Never heard the word Shpongle before I started lurking here lol.

Yes, it will. This place helps everyone who will talk and listen and you're no exception

Promotion to full member does not occur at a precise number of posts. It's the community's choice, it's members who promote new members when a sufficient number of positive votes have been cast, which might happen at 4 posts or at 217... but rule of thumb is, be sure to read and keep in mind the Attitude, keep participating and contributing (and yes, you can post in the whole Research and Welcome Areas) and chances are you will be promoted. Just be patient and enjoy the site.