I feel like I'm going to kill myself. I messed up my life with MDPV the worst thing I ever encountered. Idk what to do. I own a gun (I will never hurt anyone else) ive been suicidal for a long time and the feelings rise up on a daily basis I honestly don't know how I've made it this far. I hear voices in my head all day every day. Theyre only good when I'm sad and about ready to end it all or when im asleep or calm all by myself. As soon as im around someone my personality changes no matter how hard i try to just be me. Im extremely sensitive to everything. My mind isnt on track with me. My thoughts go a trillion miles an hour. I have taken up medtation for the last 2 years as well which has helped. I have very few moments of feelings of well-being. I hate psychosis, or schizophrenia, or bipolar. Its all the same to me.. I have a problem with who I am. An identity crisis I guess. I would stay up 6 nights all spun out and unhealthy even tho I have beat my addiction to drugs.

I quit speed 2 years ago a long with cigarettes. I'm still not the same. I never will be. I know I just need to be loved but that part of my brain is all haywire right now. I thank DMT and salvia for guiding me. I guess I came to doing DMT and salvia because they are the closest things to death in my eyes and I flirt with that. I hear gods voice in my head sometimes. Tells me things will be ok and that something amazing will come to me someday. I Iove women so much but I have such a horrible anxiety around them its like they don't want anything to do with me when I try to pursue them its like a panic feeling i cant control. Speed helped me with that until I got way out of control. I recently met a person from work and weve been hanging out a lot. He has been trying to get me out of my funk and been trying to get me laid haha. We have a lot of similar thoughts on life. I even let him try dmt. Ill stay around a while longer and see what life has to show me because I don't know everything. Obviously I'm still here for a reason..

I would love to have a chance to be a good husband and maybe father someday but right now i just dont see it in my view. Even as a little kid i felt i wouldnt make it past the age of 30. Like there was a wall there in my head and i couldnt see past that age. My father abandoned me when i was a baby so I vowed to never do that to my child. I feel I messed up something that was already very fragile to begin with. I just felt maybe I would tell the world this time. I let all my friends know I'm suicidal and they are really supportive. Im not on any SSRI's or anything I never thought they would help and have seen them cause more damage than help but maybe its time to give it a try.. I just quit smoking weed 3 weeks ago to help ease my depression and clear my head somewhat. Thanks for reading..

You really have my love and support on this. I used to be in a similar situation (minus the drugs). So I will share my story of improvement hoping you can understand it's very possible, and you can do it too. We share many similarities, for example my father abandoned me too when I was a baby.

I used to want to die. I would hope to not wake up again after going to bed, but every time I did and I realized there must be some reason, something that made it worth it, because otherwise I wouldn't wake up and be here. I didn't tell anyone because I knew if I really wanted to do it, I would've done it already. For some time the thought that I could made everything bearable. No matter what, I knew there was always a way out at any moment, and somehow that added a bit of joy to life again.

The worst phase when I was on the edge disappeared but still life was not pretty. I had nearly no friends, and although my family loved me it just could not fill the inner void, as if life is not supposed to be like this. It was not just me, but very related to the world around me. I never fitted in (still really don't) and had constant trouble everywhere because nobody really understood me. And at this point in life I was only about 13 years old. School had been and was a real hell.

Slowly I managed to fill this void. The first steps were big and made life a lot better in a short amount of time. Then things slowed down a bit, but after a few years I felt new and invincible. I had filled the void and knew I was here for a reason, and I could leave any moment I wished, but I only want to when the time is right. Everything I needed I found within, which compensated for the sad state of affairs on the outside. My personal external situation did improve a lot too with new friends and more, but there is still a lot to improve on the world.

You can do it... just overcome the mental barrier and put in a very strong conscious effort. You say you suffer from anxiety. Where is it coming from? Why do you have it? How to fix it? Can't you just defy the anxiety as if it doesn't exist, with enough willpower? It is important IMO to ask yourself these questions and think about these kind of things, because really you can accomplish all this if you believe in yourself. You can make a huge difference immediately. Be more confident and happy, feel better because you know you deserve it.

Thank you for sharing your story and for the support. Much love. Im not sure about my anxiety. I think its a fear of being judged. I like people to think of me as a fun person to be around. I can overcome the anxiety sometimes but it seems more random when it happens and more like a chemical imbalance. I know I will get better over time if I stay on the path I'm on right now. Thanks guys.

Have you spoken to a psychiatrist? Or been prescribed any psych medications? Some may frown upon this, but there are people who need medication. I need it for my chemical imbalance.

Stay away from that shit.. Only even consider tinkering with plants that have been studied and tested for safety.

Don't mess with the research chemicals..

I am not just preaching.. I have had encounters with research chemicals and they are dangerous..

Just don't..

Hope you are able to heal to 100%..

I am here for emotional and mental support. Please contact me by PM anytime you need to talk. I am on the Nexus all the time.

Regarding suicide:
There have been many times that I have seriously considered killing myself in the past (sometimes due to depression, other times for other reasons). What brought me through such times was hope that things would get better, and the ALWAYS did. I always told myself that life had nothing more to offer me, but I was proven wrong time and time again. It amazes me, when I think back: If I had killed myself in high school, I never would've experienced psychedelics. If I had killed myself in the early college years, I never would've met the love of my life. And these were times when I thought that life was done surprising me. Trust me when I say that the happiest moment of your life is always just around the corner. All you have to do is live and happiness will find you. Remember that there are people worse off than you. In this day and age, we don't have to worry about being killed by predators. We don't have to worry about finding shelter before the next storm. We are born into a wonderful time when the happiness to work ratio is higher than ever. All you have to do is live. See what tomorrow brings. Find some new hobbies. Do things you've always wanted to try. There's no point in cutting life even shorter than it already is. 80 years is already not enough time to experience everything that this world has to offer.

don't give in to negative thinking , don't let negative thoughts dictate you actions , enjoy life to the best of what is possible each moment , to live without any regrets , death will come in its own time , there is no reason to call it earlier , the experience of life like any experience should be enjoyed , don't give in to anxiety and excessive thinking , be strong , laugh and enjoy life

remember the Divine that gave us life gave us everything , air to breathe , planet to live on , and free food (since human beings did'nt invent fruits , vegetables and grains ... humans beings are just hoarding the resources of the planet and then making life difficult for all creatures )

one can die even if he stops breathing , it takes energy to breathe ,
the breath is the will to live ,

don't listen to your thoughts for answers , ask your breath instead
thoughts and thinking is the result of the mind experiencing reality and being contaminated by it , the breath is pure , the will to live is the will of The whole Divine Universe, the whole cosmos is continuously expanding and God is living forever , the whole cosmos wants to keep expanding and as you're in this Universe you should contribute by living your life with Fun and Enjoyment

the Universe has given us everything for free ... Life , air , water , food a perfectly good planet to live on , it time to contribute and be grateful by living Life to the fullest

Remember, if you kill yourself today, you'll never know what wondrous things will happen tomorrow.

During the darkest hours of my life, I learned to think of everything in my life as lines. Lines that would start from one point, and given enough time, those lines would come to an end. Whether they were problems with money, problems with the people I love etc. They all started as a line conjoined with my lifeline, and at some point they ended. Sometimes the end result wasn't the one I wanted, but most of the time the end of those lines was for the better.

You might feel overwhelming depression and suicidal thoughts now, but if you look to your future, you know those feelings (lines) will have their endpoint sooner or later and you'll emerge out of them stronger than ever before. Try to think of tomorrow as a great adventure just waiting to unfold, instead of another dreary day you have to manage to get by.

We're here for you, wishing all the best for you.