Hello Pandora
Thank you for your warm heartfelt welcome! I have just woke up, feeling a bit of the morning fog so to speak, I grabbed myself a coffee logged in and read your reply, now I feel that I have actually woke up!
Your words have made me feel accepted and loved ! thank you
Thank you for your kind comments about my story, it was the most amazing and at the same time the most frightening thing that has ever happened to me. It opened my mind and being so much!
The worst part was after the questions stopped I was filled with a love and bliss I cannot describe, but as I had no way (at the time, I was oblivious to meditation or any other path or practice) to advance and work with these feelings so the loving and positive feelings dwindled.
Then the drugs completely wore off and I started to withdraw after 3 years of constant (other than a couple of days here and there) use! I felt like my ego died and in honesty it had! ( Now I am not the person I was before, more than a change, I simply do not have that mind anymore, I cannot identify with my former self at all)
I felt totally spiritual lost, fearful, reeling from the fall from grace so to speak, hearing voices in my head that I was convinced was the devil and not being able to think due to withdrawal.
The internal emotional and spiritual pain of withdrawal + being disconnected from this spiritual feeling of love along with psychosis and thinking the devil was talking to me, caused me so much internal pain, I couldn't deal with it, I wanted to kill myself but I figured I would go to hell! .... The internal pain of loss was so great that real pain actually felt nice! I couldn't sleep at all so to get myself to sleep I used to head butt the wall until I knocked myself out, I did that for weeks! .... Very dark times indeed! ... at least my skull is now a lot thicker in one place
One of the worst parts about all this is that I felt I couldn't tell anyone, I literally suffered alone, no one knew, not even my parents. I kept it all to myself! I thought if they knew or doctors knew what I was hearing and what happened to me they would lock me up and throw away the key!
Thank the universe for meditation, I know it brought me to meditation rather than me finding it myself!
I feel I owe my life to my meditation teacher! I don't know what I would of done if I had not read his book and started meditating thus allowing it to heal me! I would of probably killed myself!
Yes I am off the benzos, totally, I have an old stash of them in case I took something (to many shrooms or truffles) that was too much for me to handle and I panicked but I haven't took them for years! my stash is probably out of date.
You are so right about good food, good rest, good sex and getting away from it all. I believe all 3 aspects of the self (mind, body, spirit / soul) need to be nurtured as a whole! good food is often so undervalued as is good sex.
Walkmans where so cool! I am glad you remember them, I remember when they brought out the ones that turned the tape over (well played the tape in the other direction), I was amazed! I also took mine with me everywhere, it was amazing, portable music!
Betamax and VHS, oh how I remember them! I still have one, with lots of old home videos still in VHS format. Do you remember the betamax vs VHS war? VHS won but I thought betamax was better personally.
You said "*** I certainly hope you find the answers you are looking for. I think of DMT as a catalyst myself - I have to do the hard work to find insights and growth, but psychedelics are helpful for me on this front. DMT though is known for just opening up more questions for each answer one receives. Just a personal opinion here - others may disagree. ***"
I totally agree with what you say about us doing the hard work. I find when I feel bad or I feel that I am making too many wrong decisions in life and keep on failing, I have a heavy shroom trip (if I can get them), when I feel my worst. This makes my trip pretty unpleasant and I literally review my whole life and all my decisions over and over, I find this helps me so much! I feel it is not the substance that helps me see or make any changes, it me and my review of myself that does that, the substance like you say is just the catalyst, it allows me to look at things differently.
I hope DMT is like that, I do not fear much these days, I feel like I am ready for DMT... This is my plan before taking some DMT
(1) 24 hour fast or no solids for 24 hours only extracted juice from organic sources
(2)Full spectrum dietary supplements taken 7 days prior, using this supplement
http://www.superfoodplus...hat-is-in-superfood-plus (3)Meditation and lots of it, I will try to sit for at least an hour prior to smoking DMT, If I do not feel blessed and blissful going in, then I will not smoke DMT that day.
You are right about the book, I have it on my kindle, I started reading it a while back, but life got in the way and i stopped, now I am prepared to take some DMT I must finish it before journeying into the beyond!
Again thank you for your very warm welcome, its such a breath of fresh air to find this community and be welcomed so warmly *hugs*
Warm regards
I am certifiably insane, as such all posts written by me should be regarded as utter nonsense or attempts to get attention in fact everything I write here is a lie !
I hope in some way, my posts and replies may of helped you, I hope you like what I have said here if not feel free to send me a none flame PM