I don't want to ever use again. I'd refuse opioids even if I got hurt badly. The only way I'd ever take another opioid is if an anesthesiologist gave it to me when I was unconscious. I still drool too on occasion when someone mentions oxycontin, similar to when I think of my favorite foods, but know I can never do that again. My brain was conditioned to want opioids as badly as food. We did it to ourselves. I just want to be normal again. I know I'll always be in danger of relapsing but I'll never go to an NA meeting or post another syllable on those stupid opioid addict forums. I'm basically going to pretend it never happened but never forget at the same time. I just need to get over these PAWS, which I'm doing. I'm done with it.

This thread goes to show how common a problem opiate addiction has become. It seems like everyone I know has been or still is addicted to opiates. I didn't really expect so many nexians to share my illness, but it only fills my heart with more love for all of you to learn that you know the pain I live with, and apparently a lot of you as well. It really takes a long time to recover completely. I still don't know how long it will take me after I finish my taper in 114 days off of methadone. I know it will be difficult, it already has been as my dose is 118mg lower than it once was. I have been in perpetual WD's for many months now and just keep focusing on the prize of being free of these demons for good.

Love you all,

CTM

Ditto CTM. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel, even though it may be hard to see it with those methadone goggles sometimes. Being completely opioid free is awesome. Tapering off methadone is really hard, so reward yourself as much as possible. You'll love being sober and you will find a solution to your movement disorder.

I really feel for you guys. I was stealing painkillers from medicine cabinets since I was 15 and was on the road to opiate addiction at that early age. Even though I couldn't get them all the time I often fantasized about them.

When I got to college they were too available and I fell into Roxicodones, and later, Heroin. Had a Godhead DMT experience, along with some glowing Mushroom and LSD experiences, somewhere in the midst of heroin addiction and although it wasn't a magic bullet it gave me the resolve and trust in the world and myself, to quit. Withdrawal is HELL. Almost unbelievable that one's body can feel like that and not be in mortal danger.

I got through it with a few months of relapses that held me back. But every time I relapses the euphoria was less and the guilt was more. After making it a few months, WOW PAWS. You don't really hear about this until your in the midst of it and doing alot of internet research but WOW, might have been harder than the hellish first month. I would say I wasn't 90% for 6 months atleast.

Its been 11 months now since I used. 16 since regular use. (Had one last time after 5 month sobriety which really made me see, it was the last time) And I feel probably 95% mentally, and physically, I gotta say I feel better than before I ever did opiates! I am a bit of a health freak now, eating lots of superfood and exercising everyday. But I have heard from multiple sources that the man who went through opiate addiction is stronger and learned something over a man who didn't.

The guy who did it here and there yet never went "over the line" never faced this physical addiction and proved that the will overcomes the body.

So former dopers, YES I BELIEVE WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER. Keep chugging towards that finish line. Its a long haul but man LIFE IS AWESOME once you make it through. I find after going through this other struggles rarely bother me.

YOU CAN DO IT.

No Knowing, very well put, and thank you for your encouraging words. I can't believe the amount of suffering one really has to go through to get their life back and not be in physical and mental pain every moment of the day. I'm still tapering from methadone so the PAWS is something that I am really not looking forward to and am glad to be learning about it on this thread. I had never heard of them before, and was hoping to feel good again within a couple months of being off methadone. Now I know that I've got a much harder battle ahead of me. I keep thinking about the prize at the end and that keeps me going. Now if I could quit smoking cigarettes too, that would be the ultimate prize, and right now I cant find the strength for that one.

Mel, thank you for the encouragement on my "disorder". I haven't been officially diagnosed yet as they are running more tests than I ever imagined. I get a call from some new doctor my neurologist wants me to see every other day, like today I got a call for a random appt to see an ophthalmologist. I am very curious as to what she is thinking with that one but she is an excellent doctor and I really trust her judgement. Plus she is the only doctor I have who doesn't treat me like a drug addict for being on methadone. I know I am an addict, but I've had some heart wrenching experiences with hospitals since I sought treatment. One time I lost feeling throughout my whole body and called an ambulance. I knew I was having a reaction to a medication that my psychiatrist put me on, and was thinking the whole time that I was going to die at any moment. When I got to the hospital I felt myself losing consciousness and quickly gave the nurses my methadone clinic ID card so that they would know to dose me in the event I did lose consciousness. They literally shoved me into a corner an left me there(completely unable to move by this point) for five hours. I then started to get my feeling back and control of my body, at which point I immediately walked home from the hospital without saying a word to anyone there. Sorry for the rant, but that was only one of the horrible mistreatments I've received because in the medical system I am just a drug addict. It really sucks.

My advice would be to not pre-condition yourself with internet reports of P.A.W.S. It can be different for different people, factoring in their severity of addiction, body chemistry, personality, lifestyle, energy level, etc. For me, being an ex daily IV heroin user, they weren't nearly as bad as the reports I've read. That's why I stress the importance of a balanced lifestyle- physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. It all works together.

Opiates often seem to be primarily psychological/emotional/mental. Just mentioning the name "OxyContin" or "Heroin" to an opiate-addicted person can trigger nostalgic thought patterns related to the users' opiate of choice.

"Where the mind goes, the body will follow."

"As above, so below."

Mind and body are intrinsically One. "Addiction" may all be in the mind. but since mind and body are linked, both are affected.



"Officially diagnosed"? What does that even mean?

You don't have a "disorder", you have simply chosen to over-indulge in a behavior pattern that has become a belief system for you. A belief system that tells you that ingesting opiates satiates you. It's not cancer... it's always been in your power to stop it, you probably just didn't believe you could.

Sometimes it seems we must direct the same amount of emotional energy into our intent to stop using as we did into using.

“The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same. -”Carlos Castaneda



But why put a self-limiting label that's associated with powerlessness onto your Being? Isn't that counter-productive? Doesn't that often give the Ego an "easy way out"?

Just be careful, because acknowledging that one has a problem is one thing, but some people stick the drug-addict label onto themselves so that subconsciously they may feel justified in their behavior. It's like opening a whole new can of worms. Not saying you do this, but it does make for a slippery slope for some people...

I believe that nothing is really gained from hiding from your temptations/addictions/indulgences, that exposing yourself to your fears builds and strengthens willpower so that in the end one is stronger because of the struggle.

You're absolutely right about PAWS SpartanII. The worst part about being a recovering opioid addict is we just blame everything on PAWS because we don't even remember what it is like to be sober. Every mood fluctuation is scraped up to PAWS. Anxiety and mood fluctuation is actually really important...it helps you care about things and meet deadlines better. Nothing bothers you on opioids because you can't feel anything.

Yes SpartanII great post. Alot of PAWS is surely in the mind. I definitely noticed that once I stopped wondering when PAWS would end and just started to try to rebuild my life and REALLY knew opiates were behind me and did not make my life BETTER, PAWS was over.

And yes much of normal emotional life can be attributed to PAWS but it is really just your body-mind re-acclimating to normal life with all its ups and downs.

When you're an addict you're a bit of a control freak. You want to be able to control your mental/emotional state with your DOC at any given time. Evading pain or emotion at the whim of your mind's desire. This become ironic when you completely lose control of your addiction for your DOC. Learning to let life flow without constant control is hard, but definitely doable. (you did it before you were a user right?)

Labeling yourself is bad practice too. You made a mistake, diving into an addictive lifestyle, but don't say "I'm an addict". Forgive yourself, learn from it and move on.

One thing I'm going to start doing from now on, whether it's regarding recovery, academics, or just life, is to never set limits and over reach; that may be the secret to success. My whole life I was surrounded by negative people who told me what I can or can't do, including family. Over reaching is necessary to doing anything worth while in life. Nothings easy.

Spartan, Thanks for the advice. I try to always keep a positive outlook, and will try and remember what you said about PAWS. The thing about me having a disorder though is definitely true. I've been seen by five neurologists now and the tremors I'm having are most likely a genetic condition. I've been twitching since before I ever tried drugs. It hasn't been diagnosed fully because more testing is still being done. The docs have narrowed it down to either Wilson's disease or myclonic dystonia. Either one of them is a bad option but I don't get to pick, so whatever it is I plan to spend my life living in as healthy a way as I can. I already eat healthy(most of the time), and I have been much more active since getting my methadone down. The side effects were unbearable at higher doses. I hope you're right and that I don't have either of the diseases that my neurologist thinks I do, but I can't be too optimistic about that one as my symptoms are progressing and I have gotten several opinions from different docs who mostly believe it is myoclonic dystonia. Definitely not easy to live with, it's also called alcohol-responsive dystonia, because alcohol and other downers relieve the symptoms. My years of drug abuse was hiding a condition that I've had for as long as I can remember, but thank you for the encouraging words.

I'm sorry if I came off as a little harsh, I misunderstood your post. Thanks for elaborating. I now see there may be something else going on other than just the addiction issues. I sincerely hope you experience healing from your medical condition.

I know of many people that have benefited from juicing raw, organic fruits and veggies, or consuming freeze dried fruit/veggie powder equivalent to 5-9 servings.

Your body already knows how to heal itself, maybe you just have to give it what it needs to accomplish this- a low-stress happy lifestyle, a super-healthy diet, inner peace, and LOTS of love, both for yourself and for others.

You guys obviously know your stuff and have the wisdom of experience, you'll be ok.

Hey guys/gals, I just wanted to add some encouragement to those still dealing with these destructive drugs/cycles of addiction. As was stated earlier, the one who successfully defeats these opioids/their lower selves (both in regards to opioid addiction and in general) is superior to the one who never fell for it... There is such a glow, a saintly glow, around them. These who have attained success, those who have been to hell and back, are some of the most beautiful beings this world does accommodate. So good luck, and be of good cheer though you be so deep in the pit. You are attaining a measure of happiness completely unknown to the"reasonable" ones , the happiness which comes as well to the one who narrowly avoids death.

Good luck and much love to you all