I was given a pile of DMT about two and a half years back. I experimented with it under various conditions including smoking it under the effects of Serian rue and mushrooms. The first time i really broke through, I experienced the 'life flashing before my eyes' as the archetypes which form the ego body were removed and attachments to personal identities were severed. There was moment of terror as i realized that I was dying; I could not breath, and realized that for good or ill, i was going to have to let it go. Once I came to terms with my own death I went through the door and was able to breath but through the top of my head and was in what I gathered was the womb. I went through another 'door' and into some kind of staging area where 'other' extremely gentle beings of extraordinary strength kind of showed me around. There was a door that I was barred from entering which I assumed for actual physical death.
I quit drinking, smoking cigarettes, shooting drugs, and eating meat, and begun after 17 years of wandering around in the wilderness, to walk the path and start a formal daily meditation practice. I smoked the DMT a couple/few times after, with similar results; although, as soon as I would get acquainted with the space and 'beings' would help me work on my chakras or some other energy work, I would be back again. I decided to put it down until a day when I could take it as Ayahuasca in order to have the time to really get to know the space. I was saving the stuff I had for the 'right person'.
Two years later I was drawn to it, my resolve shrinking and dread growing as I climbed the stairs, and the change of mind about the time I was flopping back on the bed. It was a huge dose, about triple the dose I was taking before; I could only take in one hit instead of the proverbial three. Things got very serious. I was stuck in a logic loop, encompassing my own archetypes as well as the larger archetypal cycles of the species, past and present as one. Trying to solve the great riddle of existence and going through the chain of problem-solving events that have brought us to our current state of crises creating problems whose solutions are problem to solve, getting deeper and deeper.
This existential wrestling match I found later was not just in my mind, for after, I was covered in bruises with a goose egg on my head and the furniture and wall hangings were strewn. In this state of crises, fighting tooth and claw to get out of the predicament, I realized I was going to have to let go of not just the world, but my notions about life itself; not with a 'this is going to wear off eventually' attitude, but in a real way, to trust the natural process and let go!
That is when all the problems disappeared, almost comically (you're already dead, problem solved!), and I was graciously greeted with love and grace into the 'center',and new set of 'archetypes' arose that of enlightened beings, (perhaps this is the stream?) It was like forcing the self into a tighter and tighter space [in the mind] almost to the point of absolute madness, until you realize that all you have to do is turn around and see that you are actually in the center looking out. This was the experience of harmony, where all things are as they should.
It did not end there. Things got really tumultuous and again I was filled with terror, trying desperately to get away from what was coming, but voices were urging me "If you do this, this way, this funny kind of thing happens (it turns itself inside out) but if you get up, the whole thing falls apart." They kept encouraging me as it got more and more intense; I had let go of my attachment to life, but was I willing to let go of my attachment to existence itself? I turned a corner, and when I saw what was there, when all of the constructs of the mind were removed and I saw what constitutes the very fabric of reality to say that I embraced it with every fiber of my being would be a gross under statement.
The embrace of existence is of such love, devotion and gratitude that it holds everything together and it is one thing. Infinitely complex and constantly changing. A bond so powerful that there is nothing else. To say that it is one thing would imply that there is something outside of it to give it this character of oneness; saying it is nothing is closer to the matter but even that is not accurate. It is not infinite in the sense that if you were to travel in a flying boat you would never reach the end, because there is no space; it isn't that your watch would go round and round endlessly and forever, but that there is no time. It, simply put, is.
There is a longing and acceptance constantly re-affirming itself in a state of udder, complete and total fulfillment. I thought I was to reside there, that I had broken through the DMT state to supreme enlightenment. I wanted to return so all beings may experience this state, but they were already there, everything exists! The experience was known as realities like our own were 'born' of the 'one mind' in the form of a thought or a dream. The big bang is the firing of a cosmic synapses, creating a perceptual crystallization of energy. Reality is a tangential thought stream, creating riddles that always come back to itself for affirmation.
At one point my logic mind asked itself what Lisa would think when she came home and found my body. There was no body, there was no Lisa to come home, until the thought acurred to me; that is when I knew that I was coming back. I had been in that state for over an hour if my recollection of the start-time was correct. This is unheard of from what i've read about DMT experiences and the nature of the substance. I spent the next day crying and laughing, wondering how i'm going to shape the rest of my life to help free all beings, including myself!, from their self-constructed suffering and self-constructed notion of the self, and have this experience. I realized that the ability to let go at the time of death is paramount to the corresponding experience. Life, like explicit addiction to drugs and alcohol, like patterns of thought, like inter-generational archetypes, the birth-life-death cycle is a groove in the neural pathways of the mind. Once we see things as they are we may come to let go of these attachments to self and the mind begins to experience itself dynamically.
Alas it wears off, a lot sooner than expected, an experience I can't remember but will never forget. "A vision is just a vision, it is not attainment." -Bhagavad Gita More like reading the last chapter of the book, you know what happens, but its substance alludes you. The next nights I revisited the experience at about three to five in the morning, when the brain naturally releases some DMT.
The crises build up ending in a sense of harmony. Needlessly to say, my meditation practice took on a whole new dimension. Three months later I still have these flash backs, and something else. During the come up and the come-down of the experience I just allayed, I had the feeling that my body was being controlled by something, moving it in weird contortions and even in a standing position, (maybe why i had some of the bruises and such)that maybe the central nervous system was open to more than the mind revealing the mind to itself. This segment came with an experience of a most trivial banality. The 'flashbacks' wake me up and I sometimes feel a whole body vibration and pulsating that lasts for a time and wears off in stages. The mind isn't agitated, but not calm either, and I question as it happens if I'm not being used in some way.
Am I not moving because I want to have this experience or is this all contrived to make me not stop what is happening through the circular argument I was having about the experience? It is not unpleasant or fearful, but it's the emotion it lacks that feels a bit off. As it winds down, the mind becomes clear(er), and if i get up at that time and meditate I can enter a pretty calm state. I'll continue to observe this phenomena as it arises, hopefully come to understand what it is.