Shared the tale of my first DMT experience upon joining the Nexus. Wanted to also quite humbly impart a brief self explanation..

Toxic Parenting and the Lovely Lone Wolf

I was raised in a supportive and nurturing environment. Not many can acclaim such- ironically it has taken a toll on persona and taxed my being, By succumbing to deep set conditioning and flourishing in the splendor of proud parents as an impressionable child, I’ve become quite unsure of my outward image and am harshly critical of myself in now adult years: A product of an outgoing independent child gone rouge into the plummets of introversion and heightened sensitivity, in a constant state of introspection. I am the creation of parents who loved through controlling, deducting by instilling, chipping away at the marble of a child to perfect a masterpiece- truly an extension of their second chance.
This however profoundly conflicted with my own developing values.

Early on I fled this system and rebelled, even fought to become legally emancipated. This paved the way for my introduction to psychoactives which I embraced as new mentors- that which would sustain and finely tune who I would become. I remained withdrawn from society and after surviving the educational system, preceded to run across the country- a new state for each new year it seemed.
Psychedelics for the longest time served as my escapism into a reality where I felt at home, as a being I knew well.

It’s now becoming evident.. my disordered existence. Through my globe trotting and constant setting up camp, barely mingling with the natives just to pack up and leave, I’ve always believed I’d gather no moss.
Using entheogens I now recognize the journey is no longer in travel and self exploration, but interpersonal interaction and relation to the world I’ve sought so hard to transcend. Integration, indeed.

A true lone wolf syndrome- perfectly content flying solo but upon running through a vicinity of others, does not know how to act.. and as a result is outcasted- a forever stranger.
I’ve been at it for so long I can barely fulfill an interactive situation. Even my career is struggling by my lack of social adjustment within the workplace. Upon review I’m referred to as ’distant’ and ’aloof’.
I meditate and when alone am at the utmost peace, but venturing outside sends me into an anxious frenzy.

I struggle even in this virtual community to plant roots and become a face amongst the belonging.. But it is my desire as it is the inevitable next step in my personal growth. Sometimes I feel like that stray dog that wants and needs so dearly to be caught and taken in, but darts away just before being grasped.

Just wanted you all to know how much I care, and will be trying.

I appreciate you for your kindness and acceptance, and I mean that with all the immensity of purest intent.

All Of My Love,
De Sai

Hey De Sai,

I'd like to welcome you to the DMT-Nexus!

I can understand where you're coming from, being a loner at heart myself. But unlike you I've allowed myself to gather much moss and settle down. In a nice secluded rural location where I can interact as I am ready for, which is less than it may be for most people but certainly way more than none.

I came to this community accidentally, an artist looking for DMT inspired visual patterns (found 'em, BTW). But I got sucked in to the conversation and then became impressed with the high quality of the dialogue and of the individuals who make up this community. You don't need smooth social skills here, just sincerity and genuine curiosity. I hope that you find the fit you're looking for.

Welcome!

Reading you post was, in many ways, a mirror to myself. I never rebelled, and have never been rolling quite like you, but I also have problems adjusting to being social ('normal'. In many ways I am reclusive. Personally, I just don't find a lot of people very interesting. So, like yourself, I have been called aloof and distant.

I hope you find a real sense of community here, though. Unlike most places, this place has an abundance of bright, intelligent and above all, interesting folks. I don't know if you share that...what ever you would call it...with me, but I thought I'd say that anyway.

You are most graciously welcome here, fellow [lone] traveler!

Welcome to the Nexus! From one Gypsy to another.

I got my name from many of traits that you describe, I spent then first decades of my life traveling, unable to adjust and put down roots. I felt disconnected from society and very much had the lonely wolf syndrome.

It can take work to settle down and adjust, I finally did it.
But if you are happy, its wonderful to be a nomad. Sometimes I miss it.

I wish you well. And if you can find a home anywhere,
Maybe here? (you can take us with you wherever you go)

Thank you all for your kind response and warm welcomes!

Took a lot of travel before I found home within (all roads lead to home, and home is where the heart is).

This could be the only place I've stumbled upon which shares great like-minded folk, and I do intent to stay :}

Have been nothing but impressed with the like mentioned intelligence and candor of all who participate here, looking forward to getting to know you!

Written like a page out of my own life story, avedadaise. I too have recently accepted my status as "rouge child" and "lone wolf" in my family and circle of friends. You, like many of us here, have chosen a difficult journey; but one from which I hope you reap great reward. Recently, I too have felt disjointed from most people, "untimely" you might say I find their conversation void of true meaning, their pursuits empty of real substance. But then I found the Nexus, a home for me as well. A place where stimulating and provoking conversations abound. You are lucky to be among an excellent, creative, supportive community who have had many similar experiences.

Welcome, and best of luck on your journey. I look forward to following your posts!

Hello avedadaise,

Welcome to the Nexus. Thank you so much for sharing that very well written Introduction Essay. I very much enjoyed reading that. You sound so very insightful.

I don't mean to sound patronizing but I feel like saying, "Give it time." Keep making an effort and the social skills may come. You may be "faking it" during the work schedule, but you can always come home and "be yourself." Many of us have had to play similar "games" to maintain a career over time.

I think in this day and age no one need be a lone wolf unless one desires to. With the amazing connectedness we experience with the internet we can find communities that meet our needs. Nexus need only be one. . Modernity is such a trip - never have so many felt so isolated while being so connected.

Okay, I encourage you to take a good look around. Check all those links at the top of the forum pages such as wiki and Health & Safety. And please be sure to check all the subfora - they are so packed with well-researched information. I'm sure you will like what you find.

Again, welcome to the Nexus.