Very good to hear! Good luck on your journey.

Marvelously written,

No person, no thing, can change you but yourself.



I say go. As long as you don't have any immediate responsibilities on hand, we all need a vacation time to time.. And this one sounds PERFECT.

(You know... not one of those useless stressful trips or some poor excuse of a vacation.)

-

and I feel you.. Statistics show that that particular social construct leads to higher rates of depression and suicide among young men.

Have you considered an Ayahuasca retreat?

I realize it isn't cheap, but am convinced, that having a series of ayahuasca ceremonies, while being guided by experienced and respected shaman(s), maestras, and maestros, may help you find your way.

You are not alone in your confusion, as i believe many are also at a loss of what to do, to sort out their lives, find the direction that best suits them, and move down that new path, eliminating the bulk of ego that currently drives us.

dmt, including ayahuasca brews, are such a potent medicine, that after having a substantial amount of experience with them, do believe that there is much more to gain, when in a setting which includes loving, qualified, shamans, and other support persons that will guide, protect, summon spirits, etc. to get you to your goals.

I booked a retreat I am going to in several weeks, where I will participate in 7 ayahuasca ceremonies in a 12 day workshop.

I have done extensive homework, research, etc. into different places, and believe I found the place that will help me reach my goals, which are similar in many ways to yours.

I believe, with your depression, and confusion about things, that it may be dangerous for you to continue on the solo path you seemingly are on, for now.

Let me know if i can help............

Observer

hey OP.............korb

How old r u?

That sounds amazing. I wish I had money for something like that, How much is it costing you? and are you going alone? Also Im not too sure about the solo camping thing anymore.. Im scared that isolation might make me more depressed. I simply dont know what the "right" thing to do is. I know that taking social risks brings me satisfaction, when the risk taking works in my favour anyway. I would really like to have something to do all day that seems fruitful in some way, and involves building social relationships. I want a job, and finding one around here is so damn hard, let alone finding a good one..



I'm 21.
Observer, tell me more about this ayahuasca retreat?
I remember before my "beautiful" DMT trips that changed my life, there were several very scary, bad ones, that I endured and eventuially overcame.. But I believe I was also working on myself socially at the same time I began to break through.. I want to be back in that state of mind again so bad.

I dont want to put any hope for salvation in psychedelics, because I feel so mentally fragile. I would much rather find my feet again on my own, through my own efforts, then take psychedelics again.

I think a period of isolation might be a good idea in your case. Give you time to think about things, no pressure, connect with yourself.

I spent an entire summer living in a tent when I was twenty two. It wasn't a planned thing, it just happened, I ended up with no place to go. But the insights I gleaned from that experience are still with me today. All that time alone, with nature, can really allow you to open up and start to analyze your behaviors. Help you learn to overcome your defeatist thinking patterns.

If you can do it successfully and relatively safely, I say go for it.

korb,

I also agree with your assessment, as far as getting your feet back on the ground, before venturing into the land of psychedelics again.

I would also delay the greater social interaction you desire until you get a bit more grounded and comfortable..........

The retreat I am going to is The Temple of the Way of Light.

http://templeofthewayoflight.org/

You might want to check out the video testimonials as well.........

http://templeofthewayofl...deo-testimonials/gallery

I am fortunate, in that I have a lot of frequent flyer miles........actually enuf for 2 round trips!! Yay!!!

So round trip, it is going to cost me $58USD, which is just airport taxes........

However, it is going to cost me $1600 for 12 nights, all inclusive of boarding in a private real bed/mosquito netting room, all meals, all ayahuasca plus whatever other herbal medicines are deemed useful or necessary. Also includes guided jungle walks, daily flower baths, massages, etc.........

I am stoked!!!!

A significant shift in the satisfaction of my life came when I stopped thinking "what do I need to make my life valuable?" and instead began to think in terms of "What can I do to make it easier for those who come after me?"

I don't know if thats applicable to you korbitt, but I notice in your post alot of thinking about "I".

To transcend the ego is to realize you are not "I", but you are also every generation to follow you. Your heart is the same heart of every human, the same heart of the earth, the heart of the sun, the same heart of the universe. You are not alone, you are all one.

I know you can feel that humanity will at some point live in a beautiful transcendent existence in the future, I personally see it as a robotic cybernetic utopia of some kind. Where all social and moral issues are ironed out, many dehumanizing tasks automated by technology and the system is supportive to the emergence of the human spirit. I know you can feel this because you can also intuitionally feel HOW FAR BEHIND the current state of humanity is. This can be extremely depressing to feel what can be, and see so many people who can't even comprehend it. The task is impossibly huge.

It's a sad realization that humanity will at some point live in the future in a beautiful transcendent state, and that we will never get to physically be apart of that existence.

But to transcend the ego, to transcend space and time is to realize, you are already living in that space. That state of humanity already exists as energetic possibility in the future. It already is real, it already is here. Physical manifestation just has not caught up.

To transcend the ego, to transcend MAYA (sanskrit), the illusion of physical form, is to no longer have ones identity affected by the temporal changing of maya. Transcendence of ego is not to remove 'You', it is rather to make absolute the resolve of what should be, unaffected by any and everything, even death, even relationships. The idea that you are separate from your path, your soul, and even death could affect this is an illusion. You need to develop the confidence and technique to hold steady on what you already know is true. This has much to do with developing self-trust and self-forgiveness to move past any doubts about yourself.

To feel without purpose and direction right now I think is absurd, you know things that must be done. The future must be pulled into physical manifestation by those who are connected to it. As Terence McKenna once said, "If artists cannot find the way, then the way cannot be found.”

I will tell you one thing that comes from experience, there are more tools available to do what you need to do right here, right now, then there are out in solitude in a forest. The cities were constructed to be festering grounds for human creativity.

(Sorry if that was weird, sometimes I feel like I can get a really clear sense of people and their quarrels and just kind of let my mind go)

Oh and, if you live somewhere that you can't sunbathe daily, try taking a Vitamin D3 supplement like 4,000 IU

A whole summer alone in nature!?
If you can describe this situation a little more I would really love to hear it!
eg. How did you find yourself in that situation? how did you feel initially when you found youself in it?

Im getting all my shit together and heading out this afternoon, I'm taking supplies for three days, then I'l re-evaluate. Since considering this, Ive been to a few social events, including an improvisational acting class, a party and friends houses. Ive tried near my best to connect with people, and had very little success. Not in the sense that people dont like me, but it is just obvious that I am heavily burdened and anxious, and I have no real value to offer them. I think I need this, and I have no job or commitments, no important relationships, and enough money to do it. I may never be in a position to do this again.

well I'm off to get ready
Wish me luck!

PS. if anyones interested
Ive been writing my dreams for the last week or so after reading some Carl Jung about the nature of dreams. Most of them involve my ex, earlier ones involved us being together, last night involved her being with someone else, and me acting childishly and pathetic about it. Alot of them have involved my family, which i rarely see(I pretty much ran away to a new state when i was 19). And alot of fun, physical activity. others involve friends i thought were cool but are actually quite egotistic, one where they are destroying my car and ignoring me while i was inside. Im not sure how to interpret my dreams yet but i intend to keep recording them.

I can relate with the deep, dark depression (dark night of the soul). I experienced a couple of those after a few shroom trips. They lasted for months. It keeps on being dark and painful when there is the tendency to want the feelings and "realisations" to go away and the wishing for things to be different. When it comes the next time just know that there is nothing you can do, at some point surrender will be evident.



Mind doesn't exist as an independent entity. By mind we mean thought activity (which is dependent on being aware of it). What we call the ego is mind activity with added identification. "I" is just a thought and a sense of a self. Who is troubled by all this mind activity seemingly going on? Who or what is aware of all the suffering and seeking, it's not the person since the person is being perceived and is "put together" by thoughts and feelings as well.

"Egoless state" doesn't mean that the mind activity would stop altogether. It only means the disidentification from thought, not being bothered by thoughts (and who would be bothered by them anyway, find out).

And absolutely speaking there is no such thing as thoughts because that is a thought too. There is something but it can't be captured by words. We use words to describe this indescribable something with words like "awareness", "emptiness", "nothingness" but any other words (like "toilet", "food" etc.) are just as viable and in fact all this is that which we are trying to refer to. It is that in it's suchness. Take away the meanings attached to the word "suchness", take away the concept of words and thoughts and what is revealed to perception is the actual suchness. "World" and "rhjtberkjig" are the same suchness, same awareness. This text on the screen is not actually text on a screen. We can't say what all this is but the direct intuitive experience is enough. There's only Self, not you but the beyondness.

And in regards to your search. Don't do what you think you should do. Do what makes you happy, forget the rest. Loosen up with the spirituality in general. Fighting the suffering and trying to resolve it just keeps it going.

The highest spiritual practice is to follow your joy and excitement whether the joy is found in spiritual things or not.

sounds like good advice.

just got back from 3 days alone on the river. im not going to complain anymorebut lets just say it hasnt really changed anything. im thinking maybe i should just stop thinking about it whenever possible, stop posting about it and stop talking about it with people. maybe i should just try and adapt better to the world

Yes, i believe it is, especially because it seems to me that you haven't gotten your platform properly prepared. By that i mean, get some good life experience a chance , and sort yourself out first. Psych's can only help you to help yourself, but only if you are proactive and use them wisely.



C'mon man. How old are you? Have really given things a try? Life's a challenge, and you either accept things, or do something about them. It's the same for all of us. The first thing i'd do if i was you is read a good self help book to help sort out the basics, because as far as i'm concerned if you had the basics sorted, you wouldn't be making this post in the first place.



It sounds to me like you have a low self esteem, you say you have a pathetic existence? If i was you i'd google it, and work on it; The last thing you should care about is 'being a great person who people love to be around'. Just be yourself, and accept yourself as the special individual you are, there's no one else out there like you, you are unique, so don't even try to be 'like someone else'. Roles models mostly emulate a given trait marketted by a bullshit society anyhow. Question everything, and use your own talents to carve out your own roadshow.

This is what life is all about, and you've got a lifetime ahead of you to sort it out, so why rush? Start doing things that make you feel and look better about yourself; by cleasning your place out, eating good food, exercising properly each day, wearing nice clothes, reading good books, getting out more, family and friends, etc, then see how much better you feel!

Psychs may enlighten you to the beauty of life, but you have to then take this information and make it help you make your life liveable. Simply do what makes you happy and you are on your right path (as long as it's got good intentions!)

you will never be able to be someone who isn't you as well as you will be someone who is you. so if you focus on being yourself, you will be a better you than you could ever be if you were trying to be someone you weren't.

so if you want to be a great person who people love to be around, you MUST be yourself, as the more yourself you are, the better a person you are.

I don't know you, but one thing I can tell you from having been on this planet for nearly 40 years, and that is that you can find great joy in serving others. Whenever I've been depressed or concerned too much for myself, helping other people has led me to finding a greater sense of being "grounded." Look for opportunities to serve other people, and as you do, you'll think less of your problems and feel better. If you start looking for such opportunities, you'll see them present themselves more and more. Even smiling at someone is a form of service.

hi

MEDITATION!!!

Specifically third eye meditation!

You could get this book, thats what I started with and it CURED my psychosis!!! http://www.amazon.com/In...editation/dp/0918224535, you can get a used one for just over $1

Its so healing.... I am now pretty damn happy within myself most of the time, entheogens are just a tool for me now, or a bit of fun now and then.

Meditation is such a great way to naturally cleanse your ego, it gives you a natural not-depressed happy attitude, you feel loved up and blissful... and if you do it enough you are full of an indescribable happiness pretty much 24 / 7!!! well that's my experience, and my gf's and everyone I know who has tried it and stuck at it...

I have had meditations that no combination of drugs could even come close too.

I have done a lot of drugs in my past and I know most buzz's except DMT (yet to try but soon) and at best they teach us something of great value and give us a new way of looking at things, a new perspective, but they do not change engrained behavior or fix issues that have built up over years.

I can say hand on heart that my best meditations are literally 1000x more blissful, ecstatic, joyful and loved up than the "best of the best" of my drug experiences. (yet to try dmt!)

I am not preaching here, do what you like my friend, i just see myself, years back, feeling the same and a lot worse than you do now!

Best of luck

Hope this helps

Peace

The situation came about from my selfish behavior, essentially. I was a drug addict and I screwed over all my friends, stole, lied, robbed, anything I could do to continue using. My parents had kicked me out at eighteen and I lived with friends for years, working temp jobs or stealing and pawning things to get cash. I did all this because I thought the only way to not experience the depression that had been plaguing me from an early age (pre-pubescent, actually) was to continue to use addictive drugs. They helped me escape and ignore severe problems that I refused to deal with at the time. I wanted to quit doing drugs, but didn't know how. I had to hit bottom first.

So it all came to a head in the late spring and I found myself with no friends, no job, my parents wouldn't accept me at home (they had called the police the last time I tried to speak with them) and my only possessions were my beloved tin whistle, some camping gear, a hunting knife, a swiss army knife given me by my grandfather, a pot and a pan, hack saw, fishing pole and tackle box, basic survival stuff. A box of instant noodles, bag of rice, pasta, couple cans of fruit and veg, no drugs except a small bag of mushrooms. I had been taught some survival skills by my grandfather when I was young. How to build a fire, some hunting and fishing, that sort of thing.

I went completely cold turkey from everything, and it was very painful. I was of the opinion that I would make it on my own, I didn't need anyone else, and nature would provide for me what I needed. I was so terribly misguided and arrogant. I stayed out there, deep in the woods by myself, for a week and a half before I realized I needed to go back to town to get some protein. I hadn't eaten any meat since the day before I hiked in and I was feeling weak. I went to a local soup kitchen to get a free meal and ended up in a physical fight with one of the people there. They kicked me out and told me not to come back. Again, I said the hell with all of you people, and decided I would move my camp and try to find a river or creek I could fish at.

So I did that. I moved farther into the woods and found a nice clean stream that I fished. I built a small shelter to keep my gear in, and slept in the tent at night. After about a month I started to begin to really think about things. I guess when I managed to settle in enough that the life had become easier, my mind became freer. I wasn't worried about surviving, because I had proven to myself that I could do it.

That's when the revelations started to come. I ate the mushrooms I had stowed away one night and the change in perception really made me see my life for what it was. Previously I had only eaten them with friends or at a party, usually while already intoxicated. I had never gone out in the woods and done them alone, or sat in a dark room while tripping. So it was very surprising when I started to think about things in a new way. Started to challenge my beliefs. The change wasn't instantaneous. The morning after my trip I said to myself, "That was all just crazy shit because of the mushrooms, didn't mean anything."

But slowly, I began to think of things differently. Sitting there fishing most of the day, or whittling a stick, or playing my tin whistle. I realized there was no way I could stay out here forever. I live in Canada, pretty far to the south, but it still gets extremely cold here in the winter months. I figured I would have to get a job somehow, find a place to live, all those worries started to creep up on me after about three months of being out there. I thought, maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe I came out here for the wrong reason, to escape, but instead I found myself. I found what I needed to find.

It wasn't all smooth sailing after that, that's for certain. I got a job, but almost got fired for showing up in dirty clothes and smelling like crap. One of the guys I worked with offered to let me stay at his place and after about six months we got a bigger apartment and I became his roommate. He was a somewhat decent guy, but was a borderline alcoholic. That said, I didn't drink alcohol, and still don't. Both of my parents were alcoholics, so you can imagine what kind of test of character that was to live with him for about a year.

Ended up getting my own place after he came home drunk with his girlfriend one night and punched me in the face. I learned some life lessons that summer, and in the year or so proceeding that. I thought I would be able to help him if I lived there, and I felt obligated to help him because without his offer of friendship and hospitality, I would have lost my job and had to start all over again, with winter quickly approaching. So I thought helping others was a better path than being so selfish and stupid. And it is.

About a year after moving into my own place I revisited that soup kitchen and started to volunteer there on weekends and after work. I tried to help as many people as I could, because that was one thing the mushrooms always conveyed to me, the purpose of my existence, was to help others in need. To share what I could and be caring and loving to those who needed it, and especially those who seemed like they were unworthy of it.

Well...this story turned out to be longer than I anticipated I haven't told it many times, but it's an experience that I will never forget, that summer. It was exactly what I needed at that time in my life, and I'm a much better person for it.

You have to find your own path. It could be a more social one, most likely will be, because most people are social creatures. I've always been a solitary wanderer, a lonely soul, an immensely private person. Stories like these I rarely tell, and I find an environment such as this, relatively anonymous I mean, is probably one of the only really comfortable places I could divulge such personal information.

But as I said, especially after being asked I thought it may help in some way. And that is a noble pursuit. Help as many as you can. And you will find all the love you ever wished for.

Hopefully those three days helped you see things in a different light. A whole summer may not be necessary for most people, unless you're as stubborn as I was

Best of luck to you on whatever path you choose. Find solace in the happiness and gratitude of others, and always acknowledge and remain conscious of your darkness. Use it to your advantage, rather than allowing it to conquer you.

Thanx Diox for your heartwarming post!

I thought i would like to take this opportunity to convey to the OP the importance of 'getting ones act together', as being the most basic of requirements to giving oneself a possibility to improve on matters.

The way i see things is like this, that untill you take care of yourself, you aren't gonna be in a good enough state to be able to do good, 'out there'. By that i mean from improving your living conditions and job prospects, to helping others. Like attracts like, so a push is needed if you like. If you're in a shitty way, you'll have to push yourself to make changes or you'll remain attracting shit to you.

Anyway, good luck OP, live is a challenge, but it's also an adventure. Who said life was meant to be all clean and clinical, every one of us has known the ups and downs of life that are learning experiences along the path of growth. Remember that someone who has never made so called 'mistakes' in their lives, has never really lived and will never really be truly self confident!

Wow. What an incredible story, it really is amazing, you should tell it more often!. My situation pales in comparison. but im somewhat envious of how "black and white" yours was! i hate having options, because it allows me to half-ass whatever Im doing, thinking that i should just drop it and take another path. yep I managed to find a way to be jealous of a homeless person going cold turkey on a drug addiction, shows how self-pittying my thought patterns are.

Thanks so much Dioxippus, everyone. Its time to be man and put some real effort into this. Im gunna forget about being a "great", "fun" person for now. Its hard because 5 months ago i was living in almost constant bliss, being appreciated by many. Thats not how it is now, I let self-centred thinking and darkness control me for a while and drag me down. now i have to climb out. nothing can save me but my own will. I will take opportunites to help people where i can.I will meditate often. I will not pitty myself.

being alone in the woods for three months still sounds very appealing to me.. It feels like 3 days wasnt nearly enough to cross the threshold, where your brain actually starts to neglect the old trains of thought that no longer apply when youre alone and self sufficient. Oh well, one day I might try it, but for now i should probably just get a damn job and start thinking about others more.