I was feeling a bit uneasy up the night'sup coming ceremony. I just wasn't in the right head space. I missed Claire teribley and was a bit nervous at the difficulty and fear that came up in the previous experience even though i do feel I worked through it. With just 2 hours till we started I decided to change my out look and shift my thinking. I looked at pictures of Claire and thought about her. I imagined her smell, her touch and hear beautiful voice. As the pictures scrolled by with sigh i spoke the words " I love you so much Claire, I miss you baby". I placed her ring she left her on my ring finger layed down on the bed stroking it with my finger tips. I was feeling her energy and began to feel better. I decided i would wear the ring during ceremony to have her with me tonight. Often times since she left i look to my left in the maloka where she used to lay next to me wishing her to be there again. I wanted her with me tonight. i needed her.
I put on a funny movie while i waited to lighten the mood in my room. laughing is great medicina for the blues and a good way to shift nervous energy. I went to use the bathroom and as i walked back to my room i felt the excitment return. I was feeling excited to have ceremony now rather than worried about it or feeling down. This is good, i thoguht.
Entering the maloka i decided to try the other side of the room. I've had this idea before but never changed my usual area till now. Its as if i wanted a fresh start and possibly different energy fir a new spot in the maloka. I went the the usual task of unrolling my mat and placing my items around me in the same order so i always can find them in the dark. Lying down waiting for things to began i softly stroked Claires ring and felt peaceful. We drank, lights went off as we waited fior the ayahausca to take effect. I was very relaxed, almost falling asleep which was fine with me. Around the 30 min mark i could tell as alwasy i needed at least one more cup but decided to wait longer as i didnt feel like moving. I was very relaxed and confortable even wishing Efrian would just bring it to me.
Eventually I conceded and went for another cup but asked for just a half glass. Swigging the fowl tasting brew down i returned to my mat and waited. The second cup was coming on quickly but managable. I was visualizing the MAO being inhibited by the caapi and the dmt crossing the blood brain barrior. I was getting the sparkley little beginings of the dmt visuals and just relaxed into it. As the visions grew into shaped they wasted no time becoming undersireable and ugly. this was upsetting. Did the last journey put a hex on me so now my fear is going to create these ugly visions from here on out? Did i just loose ayahuasca like i lost dmt years ago after a c=very hard terrifying trip? the thought of this was upsetting. The visions werent uncontrollable nor very vivid so i wasnt all that afraid just glad i only took a half glass and a bit disapointed at my mind. "I thought i worked through this shit" i thought. Taking the advice of the shamans i didnt fight it, i simply tried to get my mind out of the way and surrender to the visions. the only thing that reaklly freaked me out was when i went to the bathroom in my visions i saw 2 beings. they looked like they had spiderman suits on without eye holes and their suit like skin was made from the blackest black, absobing all light in its unreal matt black rough texture. These beings were dark and very frighteneing and i quickly shook the vision off and did my business.
When i returned and lyed down efrian came and sang to me. I was suprised to see and feel little comfort in the icaro's. Things werent terrible but the visions we still ugly and the black entities returned a couple of times. I thought, why are they so scary, just cuz they are made of the darkness. whats to say balck is a bad or evil color, but the truth was they were very unsettleing. I just lyed there surrendering to the visions, again not scarred as the intensity was low from just drinking a half more aand eventually sat up to speak with the shaman after he blew the mapacho on me concluding his icaro's.
I told him of the ugliness of my visions and that I didnt feel well. he assured me its all part of the process and to relax which helped. This I figured or at least hoped. its a process ive learned and hopefully this part will eventually pass.
The visions slowly faded down to benign meaningless abstarct things. nothing fancy, nothing ugly justrandom. I was very relaxed possibley almost asleep. the thoughts and accompaning visions were so strange, almost fever like. they made zero sense and \i would find myself getting lost in a thought and vision only to snap back in a few min to realize how peculiar and nonsensicale they were. The memory would all but escape my quickly but i remeber a couple bits and pieces. one was I was realizing that the peruvian Government was going to put every citezen in a whit delivery van. i remeber thinking that i didnt feel this was a good idea and then snapped back thinking wtf! That doesnt even make any sense. another one was that i think i was pondering the negative visions I's been having and realized it would be ok because the bank's ATM machine was watching over me. Again wtf i thought! this is just rediculous! This continued for a while more or less entertaining me at it oddness untilmit finaly stopped.
I realized I was now coming down and felt a little sad that nothing really became of this ceremony. I had faith that it was a process and even though i may not feel it i was being healed somewhere in me. I then began to think about something in my past that has burdened me my whole life. Something I feel 9ve come a long way with in forgiveness and self love but had to admitt it was still there. Instead of supprerssing the memory or passing judgement i was looking at it in a new way, a very pure clean way. As i pondered in this new light many realizations came to me. I saw how i have been being incredibky hard on myself for so many years and that my actions were not the same as my intentions. I realized I was a confused child and didnt understand the situation in full but could see that the goodness in me very much wanted to protect others from any type of harm. My God I thought! I wasnt a bad child, I'm not a bad person!
I smiled in joy and thanked ayahuasca for this new way, this true way of looking at my past without judgement or pain. I felt free! For the first time i felt really un burdened and forgiven. i felt ayahuasca take this all from me and could feel it in my gut. I wanted to purge this toxic life killing shit out of me! I went outside under the stars with a new sense of self and Purged! The purge came from down very deep and within the bellowing growls and grobbles of the purge i could feel it all come out. I spat a few times whiped my mouth and stood up looking into the night sky a new person. a free man. I chuckled and smiled and just enjoyed the moment for a while before i went back to the maloka to gather my things and retire. That night i slept so soundly, so peacefully. I felt great healing take place right at the time i felt i wasnt going to gain much from the ceremony. It in the end was the most important ceremony yet. Its not the strength or intensity that matters, its the healing.
I am not gonna lie, shits gonna get weird!Troubles Breaking Through? Click here.
The Art of Changa. making the perfect blend.