I have a day job, an apartment, a diploma framed on the wall. They tell me this is all “normal”. This is what I should want at my age.

I pressed the changa joint to my lips and breathed in, long and deep.

But then why for so long have I felt that this life is all just illusion? Why do my material eyes betray my minds-eye?

A thick smoke stretched down my throat and sucked the air out of my lungs. My breaths became sharper, colder, thinner. Like a deep throat-song, the DMT crept from the depth of my belly and up, up, up…

What do I really know about myself? Who am I beneath the stale culture that clung to my limbs, leeching the purity and light out of my being?

Vibrations. That’s always what surrounds me during these trips. Objects vibrate, sound wobbles and buzzes, colors sizzle; my body teems with energy. I feel a great release. Like someone unclogged a drain and I flush through time and space.

I have done all the “right” things in life. I have always done what they “told me to”. But what happens when that’s not enough? What happens when you want more than your “culture” cares to offer? What if you rebel against your culture?

At this point I close my eyes. I don’t know if I want to or I must, I just do. Images spiral, spin, and “fractal-ize” before my eyes. In flashes and bursts of light, I am offered a variety of items so quickly that I can only just watch, mouth gaping. I am a welcomed guest, but it seems like maybe they are slightly irritated that I am late and there is still much to see.

That’s when it hits me. I am untimely. I am not sure I chose this mental state or it chose me. Only recently have I finally put the pieces together. But this I know: Internally, I exist in a different way of being. Therefore, I have forsaken the “Father Culture”, and he has tossed me out. So, this bastard child of society wonders as she wanders, why do I not feel that I belong here?

Before I tripped for the first time, I always thought I would come out of a psychedelic state enlightened, as if struck by the lightening rod of reason or something. I thought “it” would finally click. I am coming to understand that enlightenment isn’t a state of being, but rather a state of becoming. I can feel they are pleased. They don’t give me answers, they make me laugh. They don’t send me messages, they point at objects in the distance.

This birth (or rebirth, what have you) has not been the simple, speedy type. It took me many small trips to space, and long periods of painful reflection to even begin to crack the surface. I have felt under a grindstone for a while now. Like a fine, and forgotten dust. But rediscovering my shamanic dance, I have renewed interest in hurling myself into the abyss. Perhaps I will find that it is warmer and brighter than this material world of tarnished luxury and empty pleasures.

I cannot hold onto it any longer, my time is up for now. I am coming down, I am becoming “normal” again. But I know internally I am journeying toward deep transformation; I can feel it ripple in my bones. And for the moment, I am blissful.

As Terrence says, “Nature rewards courage.”

That was beautiful.

you are going to be just fine

And I thought I was the only one to think like this...
But the thought that kills me is that I always wonder thinking "Will I get what I dreamed to get?"

We are all in this together - those of us who are "awake" and those still "sleeping". For many years I waited for others around me to wake up, but they remained dormant, and so I felt like I would have to trudge this journey alone.

Then I became more proactive, looking for those who had "woken" up too. I wasn't waiting anymore. I found you DMT and I found you.

Thank you for not being "comfortably numb" like the rest.

Beautiful post thanks for posting!
Your letting the process of evolution flow as it should. That initial flood of emotion when you have finally "awakened" is like nothing else, words cannot describe the feeling. But that is not it that is just the beginning now that the emotional flood gates have opened there is much work to be done.... no worries, no rush, let it come as it should.

Once the absolute has been revealed materialism is nothing but an illusion and you can clearly see the misery it brings forth in so many of our loved ones lives and is very disheartening to see.

The paradox is that we are on our own personal journeys but at the same time we are a small piece to the whole puzzle. Everyone is a player!

Again thanks for sharing!

Nice post.



The abyss gazes back into you, you will bring back some of it with yourself to this material world. Finding reflections of the abyss in this side is a great thing to do, and easier the more you travel; eventually you come to realize that the separation is an illusion.

That was a great post. It really brings back memories of my first big explorations, decades ago. The contradictions and paradoxes seem huge. And why is everyone asleep? But with time, the picture becomes more subtle. Everyone is seeking in their own way, and some are terrified, hiding in illusions of comfort to avoid the bright glare of higher truth. Because it can be uncomfortable. We are all fellow seekers, some more bold than others.

Welcome to the Nexus- I'd love to hear more about your discoveries.

Wow! I really like how you wrote that, alternating between your thoughts and experience.

Well Done Amigo! Well Done!

very nice !

ipuma purrs with satisfaction

Fantastic.

Great post. Great thread. Welcome home.

I am humbled, yet encouraged by the feedback. It seems this path has seen other great travelers.

So my follow-up questions would be: How did you handle the living dichotomy inside you? Is the goal to sublimate this tendency only to indulge in it sometimes? It just doesn’t seem to fit together – transformation and society.

Ideally, I don’t want to live this split-frame lifestyle, but I also want to live true to myself. My quest is not learning how to integrate it. I am still only observing. Is this perhaps part of the process?

I don't think you ever do. In my very humble opinion, I think duality is a basic part of reality. Perfection doesn't exist (or if it does, it's inaccessible to humans). Ultimately, how you define yourself by how you navigate the murky waters. To err is human, etc, etc.

IMO transformation and society do go together. Allowing ourselves to evolve at a comfortable pace without making it too stressful can help to focus moreso on our place in this society. I feel that many of peoples insecurities and anxieties are caused by not being content or secure with their place in society. For me It is all about integration, as if we don't find meaning behind what we do what is the point? Until we are ready to come to terms and integrate our experiences into our daily life I feel we are stuck until we can allow for ourselves to evolve, learn, let go, and move on. Sometimes life events happen at such a rapid pace that it takes variable amounts of time depending on the person and circumstances to integrate into ones life; unfortunately, some people simply cannot move on.
Follow your heart you can't go wrong with that....good luck on your journey friend!

IMO it is more like while one accepts transformation, the other society will be ready to accept their transformation too. One must first show the society how to transform, so they can follow him.

Beautiful read!
Welcome

Great post! very poetic. I too expected my first dmt trip to cause a "click" but it has been a long process for me as well. Isn't being awake just lovely?

Yes, Welcome Home!