hi hixidom

the last dmt experience was one of about 20 trips that i had in a three month timeframe. the "sword drill" that i mentioned that was "raping" my dna/third eye on the last trip...it appeared in an earlier trip that did not fully "evolve" into this abject terror i experienced in the last trip. i have thought about "re-entering" if you will, but won't. This evening (12/25) i again had another "infusion" terror session. whatever bear i poked - is still very much interested in me from a trip that ended almost a year ago. so i don't think smoking more dmt is the "answer" (as if there is an answer when i am not really sure what exactly the source of the problem is [in my mind or existential]).

at this point i am leaning very much toward the existential/possessed bucket.

in terms of taken this too serious - i'd like to put all of it behind me - i'd like to not be posting intimate details of my life on the web, but the reality is - there is not a community of folk who even marginally understand what i am expressing off-web. my wife thinks it is in my head...my shrink thinks its in my head...other close web-friends think it's in my head...dr strassman thinks it's in my head - and I "know" it is not in my head...so am i bat shit crazy?...perhaps, but i really don't think so.

and because i don't think so - i look to the experience itself for understanding as seen through my lens of reality...and my lens of reality has always been a bit odd - mostly odd in the sense i believe the "distraction apparatus" that we exist in our sober (mostly) awake (as in not sleeping) state... is specifically designed to distract us from "seeing" our own self actualization (that is we are each a pure undistorted manifestation of "source" that is defined as clarity, vibrant awareness, free will, positivity, love and the egoless power that naturally flows from this actualization) in the short life we live in our bodies...everything from bullshit wars to crappy foods to porn to social media to paying taxes to debt to sports - music - books - elections - mass shootings - "god", ascended beings, the three desert cult religions, all religions, things that shine and supposed gubbermints that say we are "free".

as i look for understanding with my terror sessions (that are not sleep paralysis [in fact i would very much prefer they were]) - and i find my mind's eye wrapped in a dark evil flesh ripped organic matter swirl within reptilian eye soup... i "see" the extension of the "distraction apparatus". what ever "it" is "it" does not want me "seeing" something within myself... perhaps because i have pegged, as bullshit, just about every "input" in the "real world" fed to us by the "man behind the curtain" that does not address/acknowledge/mitigate the suffering of all living things on this planet (and others) in this dimension (and others) this battle for control of my "attention" has now been taken to my molecular being and deeper yet within my conscious being by what i can only define as reptilian evil.

We do understand what you are going through (at least conceptually) and are here to support you in a struggle that is ultimately your own. I am confident that you will heal eventually and encourage you not to be discouraged by those who claim that the torment is all "in your head". After all, "in your head" is as close to "real" as anything else you've ever experienced, and should thus be treated seriously. That being said, I am compelled to offer more advice and insight that may or may not be accurate or viable and should thus be taken with a grain of salt:

I'm sorry that I downplayed the inescapability of your predicament. I suppose my other advice is to accept your situation as it is. After all, the world is utterly terrifying and evil from one point of view, but why is that cause for distress. What you're experiencing may be something that has always been there, but you just never noticed before. I guess what I am trying to say is that there are two possible ways that I can conceive of your predicament being resolved.
#1 involves the cessation of your terrors and perceptions of evil.
#2 involves your coming to terms with the way life is now and trying to be at peace with that.

If someone loses a leg in a car accident, or realizes that they have inherent human flaws, or realizes that they will inevitably die one day, they may freak out about it at first, but it is in their best interest to learn to be at peace with the ultimate truth.

The ultimate truth may be frightening, but we should value it above ignorance, in my opinion. If you believe that what you are experiencing is not just "in your head", then you believe it is truth, and you must accept it as a necessary part of reality. Dealing with pain is something that we all learn to do at least to some extent. Some of us even learn to enjoy pain. We should be fascinated that consciousness is capable of projecting negativity upon inherently meaningless and indifferent objective reality, and yet the ego usually makes it hard to look past its immediate need to find meaning and to label things as good or bad.

I assure you that there is another man behind the man behind the curtain, and there will always be another man. There will always be a level of truth that you are unable to reach simply because all truths rest upon the shoulders of other, more fundamental truths. Realizing that all truths are BS (and yes, even this one) may help you to transcend your conception of being a victim of some trans-dimensional travesty; Not because you aren't a trans-dimensional victim, but because there are no travesties except those that the mind interprets from otherwise neutral reality as it is and must be.

I agree that you shouldn't be using DMT. At this point, it sounds like the nature of the DMT experience in particular is chronically associated with a certain truth (or lack thereof) that you wish to avoid. You should abandon DMT for now and try to come at this truth from a different angle, such as meditation, contemplation, other psychedelics, etc. Either way, you must do something. If you want things to change, you must constantly push forward, wherever that may be. Only you have all of the information necessary to overcome your predicament. You are in uncharted waters and there's a steep learning curve in such spiritual matters. You must evolve in order to change your situation.

Good luck to you on your psychedelic journey.

i think i "know" what "wants" me...unfortunately i think it wants all of us.''



http://www.metahistory.o...pproachingGnosticism.php

This reminds me a lot of Philip K. Dick... have you read any of his novels? You might enjoy them. He was into Gnosticism and mind tricks and twisted realities.

Mind you, the following is my take on Gnosticism, what I've gotten from various sources and my imagination...:
I had not heard of the theory that the Archons or the Demiurg were aliens... I always kind of assumed them as non-physical entities - the demiurge not consciously working against humanity but simply being insane or sick and thus since he in a way played a role in creating the world this sickness affects everything in it. But the real God is out there, just kind of hard to access if you fall for the more immediate divinity, Samael, the blind god, the demiurg. Being sick the demiurg needs recognition, and in order to avoid that we access the true divinity I suppose the organized religions banned activities that could actually put you in contact with it - psychedelics, trances, etc.

Now, I don't take any of this at face value, though I do see parallels to how I feel reality works. To elaborate on some theory (yes, just theory and thoughts):

THe Demiurge could also be called "the world of illusions" or Maya as it is called in Hindu religion. From Wikipedia:And in Gnosticism this world of Illusion also has a consciousness and an agenda. It wants us to believe in it, is what I feel happens. For some that means it lures us with glittering jewels and treasures or posessions, for others it means pain and suffering, injustice, fear and/or hardship. We are convinced that it is not only real but that it is important... We become so involved in running around this illusion, and that's exactly what it wants. It already has us... it's like the Matrix...

But it's simple, really. If you see it bare its teath at you, or you see it lure you with pretty lights and colors, just smile at it and say "no thanks". Let it go. Let it pass right through you. Perhaps think of this quote - that incidentally I first read in one of Philip K. Dicks books:

"No single thing abides, but all things flow"

Of course it sounds simpler than it really is...

looking him up now...was going to read Lovecraft's At the Mountains of Madness next until i re-started reading Lash's Not in His Image. Just finished Strassman's book on DMT - good read, but i felt he was holding something back...nearly half of his volunteers had negative trips...yet he only mentioned 1 fairly freaky one - Two alligators anal raping the guy. He believed it was real...i believe him.



i think they may in fact be non-physical in this "reality" - very much "physical" in other realms. They (the archons) and if i understand their purpose - is to keep up from self actualization - from aligning with divine wisdom (sophia). The recent "infusion" session i have had very much seem like a dark organic ooze/reptilian soup is between "me" and divine wisdom.



i fully believe this is why psychedelics have been banned. but some of us can "see them" sober - a few months back - shortly after my crossing with the devil - i was falling asleep - my mind was relaxed - eyes were everywhere in my mind - i "heard" a voice - "he can see us" very calmly "spoken"...i was totally sober.



Phillip Goddard speaks of this as well - that we all are complete undistorted manifestations of divine wisdom and the sub-astral continuum between divine wisdom and physical mindspace is the sub-astral plane that over the course of a person's life this space gets filled with psycho-trash; archons exist in this space as a sort of "rouge electrical impulse" - not conscious at all and that once recognized as energy mutations have no power over us - i think i believe him.



wow - that seems to make a lot of sense to me.



i will keep this in mind next time i am "visited".




somehow - i think the path i am currently on makes the most sense as any path i have ever been on.

thanks enoon.

This sounds very similar to shanebd18's post (compete trauma) the post trip visions are very similar. I know you mentioned sleep paralysis and don't think that is it, are you certain it is not? There are generally two forms, one where the "sense" of a presence (often evil) is experienced with the paralysis and the other more severe is accompanied with horribly frightening visions. The fact that this is happening during sleep onset really points to some form of the disorder.

A change in sleep cycle can cause SP along with drug use and many other factors. I started getting SP when I was 7about and it used to scare the piss out of me until I learned what it was and started practicing lucid dreaming. Once I controlled it the fear and "evil" presence went away. I also have experienced many different inbetween sleep states that involve odd sensations and visions.

Anyway, sorry about the troubles, you found the right community for support and understanding, but don't take any medical or other advice that would better be served by a professional.

Namccor said:
"The unique knowledge Gnostics tried to impart to the world at large concerns the identity of Jehovah, the "father god" of Judeo-Christian religion. Gnostics claimed that the supernatural being billions of people take for God is insane and actually working against humanity."

Wow, I thought I made that up. I had that idea and thought it would make a good story. Not that exactly, but about Jehovah actually being Satan. I guess its not that original an idea, but I don't think I've heard it before. Maybe I had.
Anyway, I read this entire thread Namccor, and the other pages you directed me too (e.g. metahistory.org, and clarity-of-being.org/dark-force-entities-dealing-with.htm). Sounds like you had a serious experience, or still are having one. I don't have much to add regarding the meaning or ontological status of this experience, but I do have a suggestion. I've never heard anyone say this, it's just an idea.
As you can tell from my username I am a fan of Banisteriopsis caapi. I am a very recent fan. I am actually new (past year) to spice and only recently (past month) to caapi and Syian rue (aka Peganum harmala).
This is actually my first post, but have been visiting for some time.
I have had a five year relationship with psilocybin mushrooms.

To sum up my thoughts about these substances, especially thoughts about entities encountered on them:

I have had magical times with the shrooms, but I don't trust them, if you know what I mean. As if the entity encountered on high doses could be a trickster god.
I always found Lsd neutral and entity-less.
DMT is always different for me. I've vaped it, snorted base, and the past month used caapi tea twice and rue tea once, followed by oral ingestion of freebase DMT. I've also done caapi and rue teas alone once each.
I have found an entity associated with the caapi alone, and it has really made quite an impression.
First off it is psychedelic alone, but not in a tryptamine psychedlic way. Much more subtle.
The whole point of this post is this, caapi is loving. I could feel it when I took it alone, working on my digestive tract, and overall health.
It is the only plant/drug induced entity that I completely feel I can trust.
I guess that I'm not very experienced to mak that claim, but I believe it to be true and figured maybe you Namccor, should give caapi a try. Alone, without any DMT, and hears why.
The indians used caapi as the original ayahuasca and say the caapi "told them" about psychotria viridis (and other plants). These people used the plant for a huge variety of medical disorders, and it does seem to have a wide range of medical uses.
Most importantly for you, it is antiparasitic. Actually a wide spectrum antiparasitic. It is also antibacterial, antifungal, and research is being done on its anticancer properties(antioxidant and antimutageic).
So my impression is that it is the only plant spirit I fully trust. It is thought to be the Gaian mind (at least that's my take) behind the ayahuasca experience, with DMT adding "the light" (from what I read earlier about the blind god and gaia, I think a possible gaian connection may be good for you). And look at all the protective medical benefits this plant has working with the human body. It seems to protect humans from all invading life forms, maybe it'll work on a hyperspace parasite as well!!!
I don't know if you have any experience with caapi, but it seems to promote health and a "balance mindset" (it is antidepressant as well). I'd say it's worth a try. I think it does help to self diagnose disease, as mentioned here:
David Luke - Exploring Exceptional Human Experience on Psychedelics: Ayahuasca, Telepathine and Parapsychology
Syrian rue shows the same medical benefit profile, as it is thought to be from the beta-carbolines harmine, harmaline, and tetrahydroharmine that both caapi and rue have.
But the entity on rue did not seem the same.
And I can't say that I trust it.
I know I've seen others state caapi is a gentle MAOI compared to rue, and caapi is mother nature-y, while rue is warped space-y or something to that effect.
I felt like the caapi added a very new dimesion to the DMT, and I went very deep with one of the oral doses. But most of all I felt like the caapi was protective, while the rue added a new dimesnion too, but no gaurdian angel.
For what it's worth, I'd look into it if I were you.

Hi oneironaut - i have experienced sleep paralysis - what i speak of is not SP - at least not what i think i know sp to be. shanedb18's visions of torn flesh and a sea of eyeballs is what i too have experienced. the onset is very distinct - very "here it is now". there is a very non-earthly feel to it...an all pervasive infusion of something very dark...alien...something intelligent....something that wants something...it is beyond "fear" that sp seems to incite...what i speak of is at a molecular level internally fused with my consciousness - as if i am in some kind of vacuum - the "buzz saw" sound of a DMT trip is usually the first sensation i get followed by a molecular fusing of terror...more like evil...as if my soul is being attacked.



there is no control - it goes away when it wants to usually when i fall asleep...but then i really don't know what happens to me when i sleep...do you?



thanks - right now i am taking my own advice...read...then read somemore...fast...and fast somemore...reflect...and reflect somemore. I get that folk have met beings on the other side while under the effects of DMT...what i don't get is why a being is visiting me sober.

hi cappi right

god - as defined by the desert cult religions - does not seem to resonate with me...as a child into adult hood i was told to never stare at the sun...it would make you blind...fact is...if one stares at the horizon as the sun rises - one can stare strait into the sun...look away and see more clearly then the day before. seems one will not go blind.



thanks for taken the time to read of my experiences...yes they continue and i still seek clarity - peace. i can recall what happened nearly a year ago as if it happened yesterday...and it still sends a chill up my spine.




there is the rub with high doses...i don't think rick strassman in his book DMT spirit molecule went far enough or was holding something back...he said .06mg/kg was the "too much" dose for my weight that would have been 50mg...truth of the matter i my have weighed out 55 or 62mg so he administered .04mg/kg thereafter.... Rick said in his book that nearly HALF of his test subjects had bad trips/adverse trips...yet only mentions a few (of the hundreds of tests) - one subject said two alligators anally raped him and he "knew" it was real...i believe it was real too, but if such a high percentage of subjects had bad trips at what i would consider a medium dose (.04mg/kg) why did he only mention a few adverse trips? i think higher doses lure one into the demons realm to be able to change one at a molecular level...maybe even sub molecular.



while this may be true for you - for me - i need to assimilate what has happened to me and find a path my feet feel comfortable walking... bare as the day i was born...and for me now means connecting with something i have forgotten/neglected...divine wisdom...

thank you for the suggestion

went to bed about three hours ago

wind was howling - somewhat restless laid awake (30 minutes ago) - no more than 10 minutes passed...fell asleep...

head was "zapped"...this zap equally moved through my skull (from exterior) to the tip of my tongue. it seemed as though the intensity of the zap increased before "it" exited out the tip of my tongue...took no more than a second or 2 from start to end.

Namcoor
Have a read here;
https://www.dmt-nexus.me...aspx?g=posts&t=38726

It may help...

hi cyb

i read that thread just now - i am not on any ssri meds (never have been) - it's been 10 months since my last journey with dmt or any drug for that matter. i am and have been totally sober for almost a year....much much longer for other drugs like alcohol.

it sounds similar and if i had not had other "dematerialization" and whole body "infusion" sessions accompanied by intense feelings of evil possession - i would agreed (somewhat) with your diagnosis. but that is not the case.

Hi again

just an update - my "visits" continue - although less intense and less frequent - one to two times per month rather then per week...it has been over a year since my trip to hell (literally). dr. strassman was no help - and i find it odd that he wrote in his book that nearly half of the studies were "bad" trips yet he only wrote about three in his book. he emailed me a few times and said he got out of studying dmt because of the demonic aspects of the study.

anyway - i see i got a little plant growing under my avatar...maybe i'll see you folks behind the curtain.