Hey everyone,
I'll cut to the bones of it, because in my mind, it feels like the story goes on forever. I think I need to have a strong confrontation with my ego--and I know this sounds like a reckless introduction, but hear me out.

I have taken all sorts of psychedelics, and the couple times I have gone deep with the tryptamine familiy, I am confronted with this looming, seemingly inpenetrable wall of fear, revolving around some aspects of myself I just wasn't ready to look at or deal with. Horrible experiences all the way around. In retrospect, I was young and pushing the envelope and had no spiritual "map" I guess, no way of making sense of that giant scary place.

I kept living, and my mind just pushed it all away. I stopped taking heavy doses of things, and moved back into my little narrative, all the while knowing deep down that I had much more work to do. I just wasn't ready to do that work, as much as I wished, and still do, that I had been. In private, I felt pretty good, free to explore my interests and read etc. The problem came on the surface, as I tried to maintain my relationships with friends, etc and just knew that it wasn't clicking. Being totally inexperienced and lacking guidence, I kept trying to force myself into social situations that just didn't fit anymore, or that at least weren't supportive to the very personal, very sensitive type of exploration that would be required to actually stare down to what feels like the core of my being. I felt truly alone, and most of those relationships have taken on this mutual loss of trust, but I have been friends with all these people for so long that it never gets brought up. I think that everyone knows I am going through this crazy time, but because I haven't brought it up, no one else will either.

It's gone on too long. I feel like I'm finally ready to confront my demons and embrace whatever this crazy calling may be. More than that, I am tired of making people suffer along with me, taking up space in their mental and spiritual realm with negative uncertainty and mistrust. I'm scared shitless to go there, and I don't know if I will ever feel ready, but I know it is what I have to do. I can't live with a foundation of fear anymore.

Our little clan is so close because one of our very close friends went schizophrenic after a summer of drugs and killed himself, and if anyone was to find out that I planned an experience with strong psychedelics, I can almost ensure that support would be zero. I don't know who to tell about this, or who may have advice, or what course of action to take really. All I know is that I need to do something soon.

So I turn to you friends. I have 3 choices currently at my house: Some pretty strong L, the fixins for some ayahuasca, and 3 San Pedro cactus stalks. Oh, and I could probably get my hands on some cubes as well. I have a great affinity with the San Pedro, I have had my most ecstatic, cosmic moments through his gentle guidence, and I feel like he would be a very patient teacher in taking me into this issue. Or, it might not even allow me to go there, based on how deep my mind has locked this away.

I feel like the Aya would rip me apart, which honestly might be what I need. I feel like I have put my shadow into the castle from inception, but Leo can't be my shaman. I am also worried about doing the Aya alone.

I want to be honest with the people that I have harmed through my ignorance more than anything. I love them and only want to be able to genuinely express that to them, because right now I just seem like an asshole in their eyes. I feel that I'm losing both their respect and their friendship, and maybe that's just the way it goes. I don't want to force this thing and pay dearly with insanity or worse, but I feel like I'm out of time.

Any advice would be so very greatly appreciated my friends. I trust you all, and if ever a second opinion would help, it's now. Thanks.

The will to finally confront all of this, it's most of the work. Your success is now practically a done deal. For sure, you still have to put in effort, but now that you've done the hard part the easy part is fun and very rewarding to do.



If you want to be honest, what better way than to just meet up and talk? I don't know the extensive details of your situation, but this is what I recommend. Your thoughts have changed, let them know. And don't be ashamed of what happened in the past. Looking back, it always feels like you made mistakes. But mistakes are not wrong, they provide us with the lessons we need to grow.

On the topic of your psychedelics, I recommend doing it only when you are done with what I said above. At least done in some way. You do not have to tell your friends about this, but you can if you want to. Start the process, then think a little bit about the steps you want to take. Start taking those steps, and use psychedelics to help you when you're on the road. I am not saying you should wait weeks, months or years, but perhaps a day or two until you are satisfied with your work and ready to start would be good. What you should use, the L, aya or San Pedro is entirely your choice.

Good luck. You have my, our support and Love.

They will all be effective..I find that L is good for this situation.

Shadow cannot exist without light, bad without good, and all that. If you're going to face the worst in yourself, why wouldn't the best in yourself fight along side you? It's two on one, after all.