Hello all, its been quite a while since I posted my one post. Since that time, shortly after my experiments with DMT, life has been, well, HARD. Last November, a small amount of DMT came my way and I had several experiences in a short time. I have a lot of psychedelic experience, and the effects of DMT seem to me to be the most powerfully life altering of any drug. It is as valid as all the meditations Ive had, and I think it is a true valid key to the spiritual experience. However, there have been unsettling effects since then.
Shortly after my first trips, in Dec of 2011, my roommate went into a psych ward for suicidal ideation. This was not something new for her. In my time living there, as only room-mates, she had become heavily emotionally reliant on me, which I could not handle. While she was there, I spoke with a social worker to see if I could advocate for her to get into some kind of medically supervised housing. I planned to start school and move, I wanted her to be safe but I couldnt be responsible anymore. It had been months where Id be afraid to find a corpse when I came home. Anyway, she never came back home. Put into a hospice then another care home. I had a week to move out, with nowhere to go and no money since I couldnt cover rent. I was now homeless on January 1st 2012. At that time I had a year clean from herion. My one "fuck it" was homelessness. I went right back to it and spent the first 6 months of this year using heroin, back to behavior I thought I had left, which the power of my experiences I had hoped would give me the resolve not to do. I wanted to kill myself, feeling that I was abandoned by God I had just found, and that even the revelations offered to me couldnt keep me safe.
I had been down to 3 mgs of methadone at the start of this, I went back up to 40, stopped using, went ahead and started school because I could not find any resource to help me with housing (shelters etc) that would allow me the time to work to get off the street, and started my detox again. Im still on the street and I dont think I can do this much longer. In my addiction, I pushed away my family. I havent made many friends in this town for the same reason. My spirituality has been the only thing sustaining me, and I feel so far away from the love I know pervades all life. Why does everything good elude me? I feel all these things are connected. The lessons Ive learned out here have been the most valuable of my life, teaching me my true values, beyond whats in my wallet. But now I need to move on. The only way I could see to achieve some stability was to take out student loans and go to school. Im struggling very hard to maintain full time school, a methadone detox and homelessness. What wouldyou do, short of jumping off a building?

mod wrote:

edited: no buying/selling talk

they say life is tough , well only for humans !!

there are thousands of species of plants and animals surviving through the eco-system without any money , education , jobs , or a human house

learn to adapt , dont crave too much of human things , try getting a job , i suppose that is not a very hard thing if you look at the lowest position with the lowest pay ,

quit heroin , doing something always takes more energy , time and money then doin nothing atall

yes start by sittin anywhere comfortable , perhaps on grass and don't move a muscle , sit there as long as you can , just breathe , (since you're not becoming any wealthier worrying about you life )

infact to get rid of much of your troubles i suggest you focus on you breath 24/7 from now on all the time , stop thinking and focus on your breath all the time , while walking , while talking , while working , always remember your breath ....how this will help you is not for you to consider now , just do it

don't look back at the life you had just keep going , changing and growing , dont stick to things like addictions since you'll have to leave them behind anyways once you die , yes you're going to die ... this is not a claim , this is a fact ....realize it truly for then you can be prepared to leave everything behind

do you do heroin while you sleep ?? ..... i know you cannot so why such weakness in the daytime when you're awake , will you do heroin after you're dead ?? then why such weakness when you're alive

become an animal(what i mean is think like one) , work for food , eat it and sleep and relax ,

try remembering who you are , you're not a name , you're not your education , you're not your addictions , you're not your wealth ,

try remembering who you are and forget your name , forget your addictions , forget your problems , forget everything for it will not matter when you're dead so why now ??

I dont mean to sound unappreciative for your response but could you get any more hippy? I mean really, you didnt even read the post. Suggesting I quit heroin? Done. Get a job? Done. Sit on some grass? wtf. Im in Oregon. Its November. Its freaking wet. Come on I dont really think a kid in hi dorm room with a copy of be here now is gonna get this. Please dont try to empathize or sympathize when you cant. It makes your advice quite smug and petty. Your comments are really inane. You understand nothing of heroin or addiction. Actually yes I do do opiates while asleep. hence the ability to do so. Jeez. Sometimes I dont know know why I still bother trying to reach out.

Hello null24,

I'm terribly sorry to hear about your situation. Things must be incredibly difficult, especially when you finally think you got to a point where you're almost free from heroin and then relapse back due to a situation out of your control.

You said in your post that you lost touch with your family. I understand that this is perhaps not the right time in your eyes, but have you considered contacting them and asking them for help? Asking for that help would require tremendous amounts of guts, but your situation is one where you should not be alone. Fighting heroin addiction is a long and difficult battle and you can use all the extra help you can get.

I know nothing of opiate addiction so I cannot begin to imagine how you feel. But I do know the feeling of being hopelessly lost, unable to get your own life on track without the help of others. There is no shame in asking for help, especially not from your loved ones. Asking for their help will be incredibly difficult and might even be a shameful thing to do from your perspective.

There are other routes, but they require money. You could try and get into a clinic, perhaps even a clinic that uses Iboga to help people kick their nasty habits. Those routes aren't easy, they require a lot of work and Iboga isn't a cure all but it has helped a lot of people.

I hope you find the strength to overcome these difficult times.

Peace

Hi null24 ,

I feel your plight. I've been in very similar circumstances before... and yes that's plural. I recently kicked a heroin habit. In fact, I first got addicted in Portland...u said u were in Oregon that's why I mention this.

Life isn't easy, especially when your having to go to the clinic 6 days a week etc . Have u ever considered getting a prescription for Suboxone? I know it's really expensive if u don't have insurance, but if u can figure a way to get some it is worth it. I've successfully used it to get off of H before. I would only use it for a week then jump off. Obviously it would take longer with methadone because of the half-life etc.

The point is that there are other options. You have the power to make it happen. Have you looked into any detox programs? There are places that will let you stay there, medically supervise you and most of the time they will give you medicine to help mitigate some of the withdrawal symptoms .Clonodine for blood pressure, phenagren for nausea, and even Xanax for sleep.

IMO opiate addicts are such pleasure seekers that their threshold for pain is quite low. Don't get me wrong, kicking is hell, but it's doable. I've kicked methadone cold turkey at 60 mg. personally I think methadone needs to be phased out. I understand its better for society having folks on methadone, but it's just another form of bondage for the addict. Its well known that the kick lasts a lot longer than heroin . Once again bupanorphine is a much better option if possible.

Tritrate down to a low dose, find a place that will let u detox (I'm sure since your homeless there will be services for free). Your gonna have to pay the piper eventually..Life is worth fighting for. It won't be easy, but you can do it. Once your addiction is dealt with, you will naturally figure out how to not be homeless. It's funny how that works

What your going though is what happens with heroin addiction. Your not unique in that regard. Finding yourself strungout on the street is par for the course. You've reached out for advice by posting here. That tells me your ready for change. You have the choice to change. Will it be uncomfortable, painful, hard?? Yes, but it is soo worth it. It's amazing how life figures itself out when your not a slave to that crap.

I wish you all of the luck in the world. Your in a fight for your life, but you have the power to choose.

[]Deace

you describe yourself going through a pretty rough patch , can anyone help you ? will anyone help you ? or will you be able to help yourself ?

perhaps i should not empathize or sympathize , can you atleast do so ?

perhaps i understand nothing about heroin or addictions ! but do you ? and if you do then why ?

i don't really know what you expect from me or anyone else , when the only person that can help you is "you"

you say my advice is petty , smug and inane , yet can any advice help you more than "kicking this habbit , getting some work and having a good time with your life " ,

"i hope you find the strength to get better , and get better " - thats all i wish for you ,

jeez !, sometimes i even dont know why i bother replying to posts like this ,

i apologise for having replied to this post , i'll try to not advice anyone from now on anymore since its not my problem , "letting people suffer is ok ", offering any advice might be petty , smug and inane afterall and a total waste of my precious time

Im sorry life has thrown you this curve ball but it sounds like you have brought yourself back up before and are doing at again.
Kicking is a bitch. There is no getting around it and eventually you need to walk through the fire to be free. Im from Portland and you say your in Oregon. I do know there are decent free services for the destitute and heroin and pain med addictions. I did volunteer work with homeless youths and they didnt seem to have a shortage of free services to get off dope when they felt ready. Maybe if not in your area a bus ticket to Portland shouldn't be hard to make happen

I agree with Ray. Stay away from methadone if at all possible. That stuff is the most evil of evils to kick and I just cant understand wtf states use it. "Lets treat a highky addictive substance abuse problem with a different substance more addictive and harder to kick" Its just insane.

The last time I kicked I used Kratom for a 100mg oxycodone habit and it was pretty much painless. You just want to keep the kratom usage as short as possible for me 1 week and I began tapering the Kratom to avoid its own detox. The end for me was just trouble sleeping for a few days then I was in the clear.

Tramadol also worked well before for detoxing. I think its still available without a prescription and not very expensive. What I like about Tramadol is that its impossible to abuse. It fills the receptor sight for opiates cutting down the craving but you cant get high off the stuff no matter how much you take. Maybe a little energy boost but zero opiate euphoria. Many people don't feel withdrawal from Tramadol and it has an anti depressive quality to its acting as a tricyclic. This can also be helpful when trying to make the change to being clean.

It sounds like your heading in the right direction just need to get the gorrilla off your back. If you feel any of the things suggested here would help but want better explanations please dont hesitate to pm me.

Opiate addiction is such a bitch and I always feel empathy for anyone dealing with it. My battle will never be truly over I know this. I just have to take it day by day and do the best i can but even after 15 years of this game I still slip, have dreams of using and cravings. I truly wish you all the best this life has to offer.

Dude, the guy was just trying to help you and jump down their throat for not giving you the right advice. Wow. if you treat everyone that reaches out to help you like this, don't expect a big turnout.

Everything your experiencing is a result of YOUR CHOICES. If you don't like the outcome, make different ones. I've kicked my share of stuff and when you truly want to change, you will and not until. Will it be hard, most certainly. Will it be worth it, most definitely. But no one can do this for you just as no one else go you into the situation. It a choice you have to make every time the urge hits. It's not fun and much easier to continue to use but given your post, that doesn't seem like the answer.

Finally, when another fellow soul opens themselves to offer you some help, regardless of whether it is what you want to hear or not, say thank you and be appreciative. More help will come to you that way. I wish you the best.

All you can do is work towards what you want and I wish you the best. Opiate addictions are rough and staying busy was what really helped me through the beginning. Keep up with the work in school and look for some work in your free time. Staying positive and then seeing positive results (getting a new job, good grades, staying off opiates another minute/hour/day/week) can help keep the momentum going. Even pouring yourself into some art or other form of expression should help pass time with less urges.

While it may sound naive and/or difficult, ultimately it all lies in your own hands. It will be hard to wrap your brain around the new way of living, but rest assured that with time it will become the new normal. Focus on the now and make the decision that will push you in the right direction.

Whatever you do, drop the "fuck it" attitude as it will not get you anywhere in your current situation. Remember that all situations are temporary and you decide how long you will remain in the situation. Recognize your behavior when you find yourself saying "fuck it" and change it. Sounds easy. It isn't. Imo, it is best to say "fuck you" to your pride rather than "fuck it all" when something harms it. Say it aloud, "fuck pride!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruhFmBrl4GM

Thank you all for your support, A lack of response only indicates a lack of acess. I feel I did not truly express what I was trying to say and since I already typed it once and lost it, this will be brief. Suboxone-put me in the hospital and Im on MMX anyway, with a currently staffed detox in process, $) mgs, starting out at -32 a week,. Family-no. Moms in a nursing home and I dont let her know about this BS. Ibogaine? Love to, when Im off the 'done, and have some stability.
I do appreciate the comments, and as for being dickinsh to the guy, well I cant apologize- the point of my post, which I didnt really get to I guess, is that DESPITE all the spiritual learning I have this still goes on, and on. I understand consequences, you prolly wont meet too many folks more accountable than a junkie who has faced up to and passed his emotional addiction to a hard substance. Dont argue me this. Yeah this is my bed, gotta row my boat and so on.Im doing that.
I really dont have the energy to write this all again, besides I have a lot of homework too. But the point is I KNOW how to meditate. Ive had OBEs without the use of any substance. I know how to manipulate my brain to produce effects in my environment. DMT did not give me my spirituality, it validated it. Theses experiences of. frankly, asceticism in the West have been very illuminating. Without my practicing Kabbalistic teks of meditation and visualization, I'd be truly lost. Or would I? It seems that the closer I get to the Creator, the further I get away from any material stability. It doesnt work in the west. Unless Im gonna go off to the mountains that is. IDK, I have tried to live as a reflection of the Loving-Kindness that the Creator creates his Creation with since having a (non drug) awakening experince, and especially since the DMT. But Im more often than not so buffeted by the forces of darkness in the world that I feel overwhelmed and I question my ability to Perservere. It is what we ( I) have done for millenia, and I want it to stop.

Coming from someone who has successfully fought a crystal meth addiction and dabbled with heroin, for me (and this is me, I can't speak for the ten of billions of other humans to have lived, but neither can anyone else)the only way I could overcome the impulse to use, was to find something worth living for.

I don't believe life is for everyone, if you can't honestly find anything worth living for, then why bother? Might aswell be a junkie to be honest, when I was homeless the drugs I was on kept me from the boredom, hunger and discomfort than usually accompanies it.

But i'm sure you have things you wish to live for, I personally decided my family and friends were one of my main reasons for cleaning up. I also decided to take a positive outlook on the future and make it an object of intrigue. I decided to try and continue to live without fear of death or life but simply take each day as it comes and try and construct a future which I could achieve happiness in.

I started reading widely and found philosophical inspiration in the works of Nietzsche especially. I gained many new friends along with solidifying the relationships I already had and held dear and it has made me a much happier person with a clearer initiative. I've found myself an amazing girl and I have great experiences all the time. I live life with the aim to have fun and I do. I don't even think about crystal meth very often anymore.

Life, from my experience, is something that you have to take by the balls. Search yourself for the things you'd love to do and pursue it. I try to live without fear and worry and i'm improving at it everyday and everyday i'm more satisfied with life. I honestly think it's all because i've changed my attitude, rather than focusing on the negatives I try to focus on positives and I feel so much better. Sometimes when something pisses me off I relax, light a cigarette and simply focus on enjoying the view or whatever is in front of me and try to just be happy.

Everything is so complicated yet so simple. It's a matter of perception, and being on this forum you'd probably have an understanding of the nature of our perception and how easy it is to change it.

I'm just spitting shit here man, but I hope you can take something positive out of it! Hopefully something i've said here is helpful, I know how hard it is to be in such a state. My main piece of advice is to focus on your relationships, if you build them right, they are whats there for you when you need it.

My pratical advice is.. wait untill spring, the grass is warmer.

Another piece of advice which is especialy relevant on this forum, " If you have nothing good to say to someones good intentioned advice, say nothing at all"

Firstly weaning yourself off of the drugs that are causing you to suffer more is a very good idea, find enjoyment in purifying your lifestyle, being rich is not being pure, you can be poor but still be pure (and ultimately happy), listen if you are stuck in quicksand and try to get out by thrashing about uncontrollably you wont make it out, you will just get to the bottom quicker, you need calm but dynamically well executed movements to get out of that sand, the same analogy can be used in your situation, observe your situation and make calculated logical adjustments so that your station in life improves, be patient because fruits take time to ripen.

You have to look honestly into your addiction and see it for what it is and how it affects your life, look at how you might try to justify it, the reasons for doing it etc then try to move past that, make a revolution against that, use your willpower to overcome it, resist temptation then triumph will be yours!

Also it helps to just accept the pain and suffering, to just acknowledge that it is there but like a blizzard it will soon pass away when the conditions are no longer present to sustain it. Pain, suffering and hardships are temporary, we all suffer in one way or another, endure it because afterwards the sky will clear and the sun will be shining, you will be glad and astounded how life changes, nothing is permanent.

I've never been an opiate abuser but have been close to a good handful of them. Many are no longer with us (including a former girlfriend and an employer) but the ones who made it all have one thing in common: a willingness to do the Big Push. My brother is on methadone (he's been an addict for 25 years) and has lived with our aging parents for 15 years. He's never been willing to do that Big Push, to accept the weeks or months of strong discomfort in order to get to where he needs to be, and so has been in an endless holding pattern. Meanwhile, our folks are ready to move to a facility and he's got to do something. And suddenly his motivation is impressive: he found every social program and financial assistance program available, found a doctor willing to work with him on aggressively tapering down the methadone (he was up to 75mg) and is doing a little work for money, finally. And met a girl- first real relationship in his whole life. Maybe it was the inevitability of his losing the free ride that motivated him, but the point is, he did it and is turning his situation around.

OlyMon is right on the money here- you should seek out all the assistance you can. That's not only practical but also can be a powerful affirmation of the positive direction you're trying to point your life in.

I wish you the best of luck on this very difficult but worthwhile journey.