Hey guys, I've never really posted a trip report before but I just had to get this down in words as best I can. It's not really first steps in hyperspace for me as I have been smoking spice for years but I'm not a full member of the nexus so I guess this is the right place to post it.
Well, where to begin. Ok so I have some beautiful white spice that I have from an a/b extraction, then reX'd to purify. I also brewed some caapi tea – 8g boiled down with water and vinegar for 40 mins shared between 2 people. We drank the tea about an hour before starting. I’d never drank caapi before doing dmt and wonder if this had such a profound effect on the trip.
I load 30mg in to the vaporgenie, put the lighter to it and began to inhale. Once the smoke started to come, I stopped, took a breath and then took an absolutely monster hit. I've done dmt many, many times before but I still get the pre blastoff uneasiness as the feeling takes effect. Like an express train running through me. I hold the hit for as long as I can and then take another one. I don't even know if I got it all, I just couldn't take any more. Like when a space rocket takes off, the jet engines blowing fire and building pressure, that's what the sound I could hear in my ears reminded me of.
Normally when I do dmt I have time to put the headphones on, press play on the ipod and lay back. This time it was like a mad rush to get that done, I could feel myself going. I knew it was going to be a big one. Anyway I managed to do it and I layed back.
I can normally remember the onset, the first thing I see. Like a mosaic coming towards me that opens out and then I go into the trip. This time I have no idea how it begun. Just suddenly I was in the middle of it.
Now what I can remember -
I remember the 'spindly sticks' as I call them. Like coloured needles that are shaped like cartoon bones. I can see them, and I can feel them sharp and prickly in my mouth. Feeling them in my mouth is just insane, like they've become part of my tongue. I've had this before, like the trip becomes part of me, or I become part of it. Feels so good though, indescribable. Has anyone else ever experienced the ‘spindly sticks’?
Then what I find with dmt is it will show you something, and then it shows you it in every possible state, an infinite number of states. Like a face that will then break into a million pieces, then be put back together again, then turn inside out, then become liquid, then fractalise etc. But this all happens instantaneously, or at the speed of light and as its showing you, you go deeper and deeper into it. Then just when you think you can’t go deeper into this impossible thing, you go deeper again, and again and again. Peeling back layers. To the point where its unbearable.
The only way I can think to describe it is using the metaphor of an infinitely thin needle piercing an infinitely dense nucleus of some kind and as the needle goes deeper into the nucleus the pressure of its density builds and builds around the needle. I'm the needle, and the nucleus is what I'm experiencing and seeing. To the point where its like the skin on my face is peeling off and my brain is exposed and then my brain is peeling away layer by layer. I've had this before many times before. Can anyone relate to what I’m talking about here?
Dmt has a 'thing' that it does with all things in the trip- visuals, words, thoughts. Just in the same way as LSD has a ‘thing’ that it does. For me with LSD the thing is ‘cyclical’. Everything comes back on itself, words, thoughts etc.
The thing that DMT does is 'everything' (that's the only way I can describe it). It does 'everything' with everything. All possible states instantaneously with every possible and impossible thing. Its everything it is and everything it isn't all at the same time at the speed of light. That makes no sense in the physical world, sounds like utter nonsense but that's what it does, those of you that have experienced it will know what I'm talking about.
Up until this point in the trip I have no ego, then a glimpse of my ego starts to kick in and I try telling myself to let go. But its too much, that horrible panic sets in and I think 'You've gone and done it this time, this was the day when you went mad, you're never coming back'.
Then the dmt gives me a knowing look with an infinite number of faces and shrugs its shoulders and kind of says to me telepathically 'I know how fucked up this is, I know, I know. What are you gonna do eh?' and when its saying this to me its also saying it in that 'everything' way that I spoke about above. Toying with the words and thoughts.
Then the feeling I got was like it was laughing and saying -
'This is what I do, you knew this, and this is where you are now, its done, you put yourself here'.
I've never been this deep before, I don't know if I've ever had a breakthrough before but I'm guessing I haven't as people say you just know when you've had one. I usually do doses of 25-35mg and I can take huge lungfuls no problem.
I've had amazing trips that were more than just ‘chrysanthemum’ effects but this was different. I feel like I was on the verge of something huge but I started to panic with that feeling of never coming back and being trapped in my own head in a dream world for eternity. That's my biggest and only fear with going deep. Intellectually I know 'you always come back' but I can't shake that feeling when I'm in that space and things start to get hairy. My brain recoils at the prospect of never coming back and I panic.
I open my eyes and the world is so profoundly dislocated that I'm terrifired I'm never going to come out of it. I can see my friend sitting on the sofa on his laptop but its like he's a million miles away. I want to cry out for help but I've forgotten how to speak, I can't remember his name or the word help. Eventually I manage to cry out and he comes and sits next to me and grabs my hand and I just hang on for dear life and ride it out till it subsides. Any time I've ever gone super deep this happens, I panic and pull myself out of the trip and then once I open my eyes I panic even more as the world is so twisted and folding around me. I just can't seem to get over this hurdle. I think my ego clings on, I don’t think I’m ready yet for a really deep one even though I have been visiting these places for years.
I feel like maybe I was about to break through properly for the first time and I couldn't handle it. Is breaking through like going through death? Like you have to push through that feeling of dying or going insane to get to the other side which is an amazingly beautiful paradise.
I also feel like the panic and feeling of never coming back is actually something else in my psyche that is being magnified and manifests itself as this panic. Like a deep rooted anxiety that is coming to the surface.
Anyway I know it was a long read but I’d be interested to hear if anyone can relate to what I’m saying and has any thoughts on how to overcome this hurdle.
Much Love