I consider this to be my first true ayahuasca trip. In the past I have experimented with combining ayahuasca and mimosa hostilis, but it was far different than the more traditional chacruna admixture, which was used in the following brew. Also, I don't feel that my mimosa experiments were conducted in an appropriate set or setting.
Here, I go into the trip with the specific intention of healing my anxiety disorder, easily my biggest cross to bear in life.
So far so good.
I took 75 grams cielo caapi with 5 grams Hawaiian chacruna (an anomalous and highly potent strain), and multiple interesting angles on my anxiety came up.
At first, as it was coming on, I started thinking very deeply about my anxiety. Realized that my anxiety represented an "attempt" of my subconscious mind to guide me away from danger, and to push me in a positive direction. However, it ultimately fails, and I wind up being inhibited rather than empowered.
Then, as the visions became more vibrant and detailed, I entered a period of beautiful and blissful feelings. I felt as though I were a big, colorful, field of wildflowers, sprouting up from the earth under the springtime sunshine.
As time went on, I found myself becoming immersed in an alternate dimension, if you will, which started to frighten me. At this point, the trip shifted from
thinking about my anxiety, to directly
experiencing the anxiety. Soon I had a very interesting series of insights. I realized that there were distinct boundaries to the phenomenon that I called "me", or "I". Although we casually refer to our entire bodies as "me", as in, "don't spill any water on me," there is another more basic "me" that exists only psychologically. If I got my leg amputated, I would not perceive that "I" had changed, in the latter sense. I then realized that I perceived my anxiety as a disturbance within myself, or a distortion of the thing I called "me". So, I tried picturing my anxiety as an external disturbance, existing outside of the bounds of myself. I pictured myself as a pinball, being thrown around a pinball machine course, and the anxiety was like the various boundaries and targets in the machine bouncing off of me. This represented a very effective shift in perspective, which made me feel much more calm.
I then realized that, because I hated the anxiety, I gave it power. The reason it affects me negatively is because I am constantly trying to rid myself of its presence. So, for once I actually became grateful for its presence, and saw it as a beautiful aspect of my mind, rather than a blight. As soon as I accepted the anxiety, I stopped focusing on chasing it out of myself, and it was as if a great fog lifted from my soul, and sunshine illuminated all things beautiful once again.
At this point, the effect began to quickly fade, and then I went to sleep.