It's been a while since I've had a chance to actually sit down at a computer and type something up.I have recently taken to getting my extraction technique down by performing multiple small scale extractions (aprox. 100g mhrb at a time). After doing a few batches and a couple re-x's I had a product that I felt comfortable working with. So after about eight months without spice, I was finally able to sit down and have a session.

I blasted off numerous time throughout the evening starting small and gradually working my way up to larger and larger doses. Eventually, I hit it.I found the experience I was looking for. Each time things just got better and better. On my second to last dose I had a breakthrough where it felt like I was being born, pushed out from the universal consciousness/womb back into this world. It was incredible, wonderful, beautiful, everything positive that spice has to offer. This was about a 50mg dose.

For some reason, I get it in my head that I had to do it again. So, I re-dosed aprox. 50mg's and took another blast. I should mention that my device wasn't the most efficient, but works in a pinch - basically a foil pipe. Anyhow, the trip seemed to go exactly the same, only this time as I was being pushed out of the womb and into the light, I started to believe that I had killed myself. That dmt was actually deadly and that I had blown my brains out and that the dmt is what actually killed me. Somehow it felt like all the people who said "ooh, dmt - that stuff is dangerous" were actually right. That I had od'd or something on dmt.

It's still very difficult for me to explain this after a over two months of trying to integrate this. I came back not really knowing who I was or where I was. I felt that the house that I was in the life that I am living was actually some sort of purgatory that I was stuck in for killing myself. I eventually went to sleep and spent the next week wondering what that experience was all about.

Eventually, I came to the conclusion that it was my first real hyper-slap. Dmt had shattered my view of reality, because I overstepped the boundaries. I decided not to put to much meaning into what had happened, aside from the fact that I needed to be more mindful in respecting the spice and not abusing it.

I waited a couple weeks before journeying again, as I was still absolutely terrified of the experience that I had. I ended up creating a machine and started out small and with much trepidation, I blasted off once again. This time I was rewarded with a gentle loving experience. My next few journeys were very blissful. I keep my sessions spaced out pretty well, had a great experience taking oral harmalas and smoking spice, everything was going great.

Well, about a week and a half ago, I stumbled upon a ridiculous amount of Panaeoulus Cinctulus growing just up the street from me.I picked a bunch of them, as they aren't that potent and made a tea to share with a couple of my friends. The tea was a bit hard on my out stomachs, but seemed to be surprisingly effective - perhaps a bit too effective. One of my friends, neglected to take my advice and drank more tea than he should have and began freaking out. We stayed with him and chatted until he went in the shower for a while.

At this point, I decided to go into the empty bedroom to meditate in the dark. Things had become very intense and I started thinking,"perhaps I should smoke some spice here."' Then I thought that might be a mistake and put it away. Well, at some point this idea came up again and I thought, why not mix it with some sublingual harmalas - even though I was tripping pretty hard at this point from the mushroom tea. I weighed out 30mg and loaded it into my machine and took it all in.

I was immediately blasted into a green fractal hyperspace. Things were great and suddenly something changed. I felt trapped in the room that I was in and started to believe that I was mentally handicapped and that I had been in some sort of accident. Who am I? I thought to myself. Then the feeling that I had killed myself came back. I finally managed to get out of the room, only to realize that I was naked. I went back into the room and got dressed and went out into the hallway. My friends brother was painting the hallway and I looked at him and said "did I kill myself again?"

I felt so lost and confused. I tried to take a shower, but began having some sort of deja vu and thought that I had killed myself here before as well. I got out and went into the room where my friend and his other brother were watching a movie. I started thinking that they were really just me and that eventually it would all come crashing down. When I was in the hallway and asked if I killed myself again, I kept thinking that at any moment the walls would rip away and I would be blasted out of this reality. Nothing felt right. Eventually after the tea wore off, I drove home and went to sleep.

The loop seems to be simple. Basically, I am alive and every time I find spice I die. Spice is death and each time it happens it all comes back to me. That this life is death and I don't know it until I smoke the spice. Even after pondering this for a bit now, it is still difficult for me to make sense of it all. I almost threw out all of my spice, but I really don't think that that is the answer.

I actually get the feeling that I need to get back to basics and sit down and make tea. This is where I started and that is what has brought me to this path. Perhaps things aren't quite right inside and a good night of aya would be extremely beneficial. I suppose the spice is so easy to prepare once it's been processed and I feel like I have been putting off a much needed aya journey for quite sometime. I haven't taken aya in some 8 or 9 months now.

I have a very solid relationship with mushrooms, and was building a relationship with Achuma, but even my last Achuma journey was riddled with anxiety (it had been about a six month break from Achuma before taking it again). Perhaps it is a fear of letting go, or perhaps my ego has grown out of control. I have found that I struggle with slipping over on psychs if I don't have any bud to smoke on the come-up.

I know that I will eventually smoke spice again, as I feel we must face our fears, but this loop has got me really confused. Anyhow, I have been dying to share this with someone, anyone, but have not had the chance until now. Thanks for taking the time to read this and any advice or suggestions will be much appreciated.

This sort of speaks to me because I have been pondering for awhile maybe spice is like dieing.. It seems to seperate your conciousness completely from your body. In some instances, I completely forget what its like to be in normal mindstate sober, who I am, where I am, who I know, all of my responsibilities at hand worrying me... all of that goes away. Perhaps death is like smoking a huge dose of dmt lol.

I wonder if it is merely the ego death that has become so intense and this is why it feels like I have killed myself. I have also been pondering the idea of reincarnation and what it really means after reading an interesting article published here.

spice is very much like dieing

Spice is related to death! Everyone knows that right before you die or have a near death experience you see your life flash before your eyes. There is a theory that scientists have come up with which might be the cause of your life flashes before your eyes. 2hen a huuman thinks that their life is suddenly coming to an end, the pineal gland in the brain releases a large amount of DMT which provides the hallucination of your life flashing before your eyes.

I read this in an article months ago so the information might be a bit off but mostly accurate. DMT does have a strong relation with death for sure!