Theres something that has been bothering me for a while now, and it disgusts me to even write a thread about it so I need to write it in a self-loathing manner to be able to write it at all.

Im sick and tired of feeling like the universe revolves around this completely random and insignificant body that I happen to inhabit. The perspective is constantly like this and I have no memory of it ever being any other way. Psychedelics can temporarily take it away but after that it's back to the same old viewpoint. It makes me feel incredibly selfish and egoistical because everything I do or say, I do it based on the experiences of this one certain body. Everytime I open my mouth or write something on the internet, it's just about advertising my ego. Like whenever I post something here I feel really bad for a long time afterwards. Even if it's just a simple "Thank you.", it feels like the hidden true meaning of that is to promote my ego in some way.

My life is really good otherwise, I'm happy and I'm doing the things I love, but I CANT STAND feeling like a selfish asshole who only does things for himself. I have a huge desire to just leave all social interactions as a sort of punishment and torture myself with loneliness, but in a way I also enjoy being alone because I can do what I want and I don't have to worry about anyone else, so maybe that would actually be the more selfish thing to do.. So no matter what I do it's always about me me me.

So I thought I would ask for some advice, because that's what attention whores do even if they know they should solve the problem themselves..

Unavoidably, we are all selfish in a sense. Whether you derive your happiness by your own means, or by seeing others be happy, you have to essentially leech your happiness from somewhere. Instead of viewing your life as a selfish act and hating it, maybe acceptance would work out better for you because ten you could work with the "selfishness" and find a balance between the two that you enjoy.

Have you ever considered volunteering some time, energy, or money to help people in need?

I found that being aware of your flaws is the first step to solving them. Mine is that I constantly need to be recognized for my accomplishments and feel like people are constantly judging me every second someone is within view. Even strangers. Actually especially strangers.

It completely goes against how I feel, yet it's how I do things. And I hate it.

Being aware allows me to learn to eventually become aware before I do those things so I can eventually choose to not do them. That's how I fixed my anger issue. Once I became aware, I started paying more attention to when I became angry. After awhile I was able to detect anger right before it would happen. Which led to my ability to stop myself from becoming pissed off, it's much easier to calm your self down before your pissed then after.

Alright, where to begin?

So I struggle with this constantly as well, although I've got a couple decades on you and think I'm essentially at peace with it. And here I go again- trying to talk about you by talking about me. All my posts are in first person. It makes me a little self conscious, but then again I enjoy reading fiction written in first person... Easier to relate to. When I deliberately try writing in a way that doesn't contain any visible sign of me, what remains is a very dry, lifeless, clinical description. Although that has its time and place, it doesn't express the person within.

And you ARE a person, like it or not. You may be the selfless mind of the universe, but you're also a primate with an ego. Those of us whom are drawn toward psychedelic use recognize the benefits of suppressing the ego. Ironically, though, ego suppression allows us to become more ourselves, rather than stripping us of our character... Because we can really focus on what we find important when we aren't worried about what others might think. In that sense, the ego isn't about ourselves at all- it's about everybody else. When you worry too much about what everybody else thinks, you become more like them. And it's way more gratifying to just be yourself. You'll be more fearless in your creativity and experimenting with yourself. You also end up more comfortable around others, and they find you more likeable... All as a result of suppressing the ego. Like I said... Ironic, huh?

But keep in mind that the ego is part of our operating system... Part of how we interface with the rest of the world. The artist's ego is part of their presentation, part of their branding, so to speak. At some level, the creative person needs to believe in themselves and what they do in order to be able to deliver the goods. Some kind of public persona is needed- period, end of story. You just need to keep perspective on it- not let that public persona have too much influence on the really deep important things.

Arrogance, on the other hand... That's simply an expression of insecurity. I always remind myself of that when dealing with someone who projects arrogance. It's a lot less bothersome when you know where it's coming from.

Here's another point. You worry about the notion of "promoting" yourself in your online interactions... To the extent that you are participating less, which is a shame. The thing is, all online social activity is just an outgrowth of the way we primate meatbags normally operate... A completely natural thing, really. As primates, all of our social activity is intended to somehow elevate or consolidate our position in the primate network. There's no place where this absolutely natural and necessary activity ends and "promotion" begins. As long as your pursuit of merit isn't happening at anyone else's expense, it only benefits us all, because your creativity- and the sharing of it- are a part of something much larger that we are all trying to achieve together, whether we realize it or not.

As long as you have this whole primate situation going on, you might as well embrace it. You're a likeable fellow and you don't need to worry about imposing yourself on the rest of us. It's OK to have an "I", really.

Alone - OK and sometimes preferable, loads of advantages...

Lonely - Hideous spiral of darkness and depression...DON'T Go There!

One thing that may help ease your mind is that the ego, these selfish actions and words you speak of are there for a reason and not "your fault" per say.
We are animals...i know we like to think we are all unique little snowflakes but we are the current stage of evolution's process. The ego is more than just a mind state its in our dna, its is there to give us animals the best chance of survival.

I agree that it goes to far. As our brains developed our ego's grew in ways that other animals don't. Wolves don't send men to war over their ego's but we do. Sea lions don't hoard endless amounts of wealth to feel more important than otter's. We do some so called bad things not just because we have this survival instinct but because our brains are so much more developed than any other creature.

So im not saying I dont work on my ego nor should you. im just saying maybe lighten up on you. the fact that it bothers you shows your character. Evolution is still doing its thing and hopefully as we become aware that we dont need such a big ego any longer to survive and in fact this same survival mechanism is actually destroying us and our world we may in time evolve the ego out of our genetics. Until that day all we can do is our best.

“In general, fourth-circuit problems take the form of guilt; “I cannot do what I am supposed to do.” Third-circuit problems take the form of perplexity; “I cannot understand how I got into this mess, or how to get out of it, or what is expected of me,” etc. Second-circuit problems take the form of bullying or cowardice: “I will force them, or I will surrender and let them force me.” First-circuit problems take the form of body symptoms: “I feel rotten all over” gradually centering in, under enough stress, on one acute disabling symptom.

Fifth-Circuit neurosomatic consciousness bleaches out all these problems at once. The disappearance of first-circuit “physical” illnesses only seems more “miraculous” than the transcendence of second-circuit emotionalism, third-circuit perplexity and fourth-circuit guilt. It is the Cartesian mind/body dualism that makes us think of such first-circuit “physical” cures as somehow stranger or more spooky than any rapid improvement on the other circuits.”
Robert Anton Wilson

Feeling guilty like this is related to the 4th circuit imprint in the RAW and Leary 8 scale/caliber model of the brain. The 5th circuit imprint make the 4th circuit guilt trip irrelevant. The 8th circuit is like a higher dimensional aspect of the 4th etc..but you have to transcend the 4th to ever activate the 8th..I dunno maybe studying that model of neurological behaviour and activity could help you somewhat.

This is the nature of the universe, I've learned to deal with it.

Thanks for all the replies, gives alot to think about.. Ive decided to make a compromise and take a little break from all this to think about what was said here. And hopefully come back with a better relationship to my ego. I'm just not so sure whether it's ok to justify this because it's "natural". I mean I'm a big Alan Watts parrot and I always say how everything is natural and people should just go with the flow, but it's harder to apply it to a problem like this because the problem is already included in the parroting. It's like trying to use a piece of data to address a problem in its own metadata. But I'll try to figure it out..


I don't have any money, but I've seriously considered going on one of those programs where you're sent into another country to help children and the poor in exchange for food and shelter.. But unfortunately that would mean giving up everything I'm building right now, and one thing I hate more than selfishness is feeling like I'm wasting time during this life that is as short as a cosmic blink. And no, I'm not saying helping children is a waste of time, I'm just saying when you've found your true calling you should never give it up. But I hope in the future I can do both of these things simultaneously.

Not only can we not transcend our natural heritage, but I'm not sure we even really should. At our best, our species can be capable of amazing things. Sure, we have to transcend our lowest base nature to live up to our highest potential... But it's still all within the natural human framework. And there's nothing wrong with that- it's our context, our mental environment.

The answer really is simple (although not necessarily easy): just try to be the best person you can be. If you can't take the time to help starving children, then smile at little old ladies. Project positive energy. And have a little confidence in your ability to develop a healthy relationship with your ego. The questioning you're going through right now is temporary, just a step along your journey.

As a veteran psychonaut, I've found that integration is a lifelong project. Enjoy the process and try not to worry so much.

I feel the same way a lot daedaloops, but then I remember that it could be a lot worse. I could've never found psychedelics. I could've had all of these negative [though innately human] qualities and never really been aware of them my entire life. Consider yourself enlightened. And in regard to needing drugs to be the ideal you: We are not perfect beings. To assume that we are biologically perfect on our own is very optimistic, but it's also reasonable to say that there is room for improvement and that we can't cross that gap on our own. Nobody would critisize and asthmatic for needing an inhaler or an amputee for needing a prosthetic. We are born with minds injured by millennia spent fighting our way through the wilderness, and psychedelics are the cure.

That's a noble aspiration. But there's always a local place to plug in, too. A soup kitchen, for example. Just google volunteer opportunities for your area, and I'm sure you'll find alot of ways to help out without having to give ANYTHING up but some time and love.