Is one of the dumbest and hardest things I've ever had to do. Hiding how I truly feel and think from society and my family is taking a giant toll on my mental well-being.

How many of you have to hold back your thoughts and ideas for the sake of keeping your family's/friends acceptance and love? and is this even healthy to do? I feel trapped.

If anyone understands (which I'm sure you all do, as this is a very open minded and understanding forum) then I would love to hear your input on the subject.

I love you all.

I, for one, completely understand how you feel.
On the one hand, Ive had discussions about DMT with my mother, from the angle of intellectual interest only. She was fascinated by what I shared with her, but she is the only one in my family open minded enough to even want to listen. I've also talked with her about my Salvia and LSD experiences. She's pretty cool about it, even seems to think I was brave for experimenting.

On the other hand... My family knows I have "a past". However, I think that they would prefer to believe that it's just that, the past. If I were to get down to the nitty gritty about my thoughts, intentions, and present day activities, they would not be pleased. Now, I'm a grown man, and I have the right to live as I choose. I just choose not to be completely forthcoming about some things so as not to worry them. I love my family dearly, and after the rough decade or so of my life when I put them through the wringer, I'd prefer not to worry them further. It's an "ignorance is bliss" kind of situation.

As far as society at large, I don't much care. I'm not about to go marching down the street screaming "legalize psychedelics", but if someone asks my opinion, I'll give it to them straight.

I'm curious, though. Why do you feel so burdened by keeping some things a secret? If it's an integrity/honesty issue, my hat is off to you. But consider how your family would feel if they knew what you are up to. Is it necessary to feel bad for sparing them that?

with my mother, as much as we agree philosophically about how to be a "good" person. when it comes down to who i am at my most fundamental level, who i am here, we intrinsically have issues. i am not accepted by her or the society that taught her to be the way she is.

only close friends, and at that close friends that i speak to in person, not ones that i have to use phones or internet to communicate to, there are 2 maybe 3 people that know 75% of me if not more. no one knows all my secrets, my secrets keep me safe, there are some that only i know. i find that keeping things this way, such as the location of your supplies/medicines prevents me from further endangering my freedom.

on a public level i use who i am as my identity in a way. my philosophy, morality, and egoic awareness are all apart of what other people, even strangers see me as. i see it as a good thing that i may indicate the direction of truth without having to jeopardize myself with immediate awareness that yes, entheogens bring so many good things to a starving world of minds. through my interactions with people i am able to shine as the star the medicines have taught me to be, and not to be full of myself but my reputation from a person who was "angry/ into heavy shit" was transformed to "he is the nicest person/ always smiling", according to people i dont really know past my daily business interactions. this understanding inspires me to keep on the path and not feel trapped in my clandestine nature, rather embody it as much as one safely can, until such a time when i can be open about who i am. just as i am here.

I don't know why I feel burdened, I guess it is an honesty/openness issue that I have. No the feeling bad isn't necessary, but it just happens to come naturally to me which stinks.



So beautifully put, thank you mew, everything you have ever commented on a thread of mine has been very motivational, inspirational and downright great.

I don't think it "stinks" that it's natural for you to feel bad about hiding things at all. The desire to be totally honest is a beautiful character trait.
The problem comes in when that kind of honesty hurts people or upsets the balance in a negative way. So, for me, it comes down to a lesser of two evils kind of thing.

Exactly. Same here, the lesser is definitely being different though and sometimes it's hard. Damn I'm like a teenager..oh wait.

It's just hard to talk about drugs. Some people love them, some don't care, and some just think its the worst thing in the world. It's really a shame that media and movies have misinformed everyone about drugs. Sure there are bad drugs, there are drugs your doctor gives you and ones that are naturally occurring. But the focus I find is that drinking is perfectly ok in the eyes of society. Drinking can cause much harm to ones health, family and lifestyle. But is fine.
But with other drugs, you must be a druggy loser. Even though doctor's drugs are ok, have a little pill of heroin to kill the pain or make easier to sleep.

So it makes it hard to openly talk about tharaputical drugs that are natural. Heck it was put on this world for us. Why can we use the plants that are here for us?

I feel the pain too. I have screwed up in my past. So I can't talk to anyone about dmt, acid, mushrooms, mesc. It is just a shame!

It is a shame! I'm not really talking about drugs specifically but more about who I am as a person and my style of living.

..but psychedelics created all of that

I am completely honest with my gf, whom I live with, about my fascination with psychedelics. She doesn't understand and says I need to "grow up". I also explained to her that I was extracting a certain substance and that I had quantities of said substance. She wasn't very happy, but she knows when I get something in my head, there's no point challenging it.

It's not that I "hold back" what I know, or think I know, it's more that I've opted for a more subtle approach. In the past I've tried the hammer: "Hey, look around! Wake up you zombie!" (I'm nicer with my approach but you get the idea) . This doesn't work very well as so many people are stuck on autopilot, going from one distraction to the next, constantly running in circles and indulging in essentially meaningless habits and vices, terrified of change, terrified of looking inward.

The subtle approach is the way for me now. People observe how I live and the seemingly strange things I do and become curious. This curiosity acts much like an infection, but a good one, and those seekers who don't even know what they're looking for, or that they are seekers, begin to engage me. But I still don't tell them everything, far from it: my goal is to get people to figure out the Game for themselves. I'm here to help, but not force, people into clarity. To confound and confuse people into knowing. I also like to leave clues all around: scribbles on napkins at the restaurant, artwork slipped into random sections of the "news" paper, painted statues on display for all to see, etc. To baffle and astound. To trick people into discovering themselves.

i just laid it all out on the line. my dad was a super fundamental protestant (takes the bible as the literal word of god, as mandated by king james), and this meant admitting a few things (pansexuality, drug use, no longer ascribing to christianity, etc). he was upset for quite some time, but a year or two later and he seems to be mostly over it (still wants to convert me into a protestant lmfao), i was surprised at how well he took it, in all honesty.

it was neither easy nor fun to do, but it is much better and easier to just be yourself and only yourself.

hope this helps .

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I take the same subtle-trickster approach as The Maxx. People do indeed seem to notice and react.

As for personal relationships it will be your decision on who or how you reveal yourself. I would urge you to do so as the uncomfortable feeling you have could mean you have something important hiding beneath that veil and at the very least will free you from the guilt of holding in your honesty. Find a confidant to share yourself and explore yourself with.

For public relationships I always try to remain true to myself. There is no shame in what you have learned through experience, wear it with honor and weild it as truth.

I must edit this post after numerous realizations in the past few days....


yes , I totally live a double life ..
I am growing more disconnected and disinterested with my "normal life" , the people I know in real life are just so so different and at this stage I cant really stand it any more ,
I much prefer these days to do things by myself and I think my quality of life is a lot better than it was before when My whole life was based on interactions with my peers

I've lived a double life for years now. Some events took place that made it impossible for me to continue doing so, but I truely believe it was for the best. Being honest, though tough at times, seems to be making me a better "me"...like the me I USED to be. One I could be proud of.

Holding back who you really are will only be detrimental on your psyche and lead to the loss of those you love in the end.

I understand moderation in letting all your thoughts poor out like word-vomit. But discerning between the two is key. You can be happy AND honest, but brutal honesty can cause pain. Find your balance bretheren.