... It is Life."

I can identify at least partially with feeling automatic. Lifeless. At this point in this existence, I am merely a shell with a vanishing treasure within.
Failure? Meaningless. It simply doesn't exist anywhere except in the mind.
Everything is energy. Energy can't fail or succeed. Your mind is a steel trap my friend. Set that cosmic spring back to the big bang. We all share the same body.

I enjoy your writing. Tortured and maybe decadent but honest. Like a blend of H.P. Lovecraft and dire, chewy French prose a la Céline or Blanchot.

However if you really wish to communicate more effectively, try using more clear, direct language.

You seem very stuck in your head. Letting the inner monologue run rampant is a good way to become exhausted.

You say you are trying to 'squeeze yourself into tangibles,' but IMO much of what you share here is anything but tangible.

I don't see tangibility as something restrictive to be squeezed into, it is more like having both your feet firmly on the Earth with your eyes wide open; mindful, present and sensually engaged. That is tangible.
Reams of hyper-subjective micro-analysis are not useless, but they are not really tangible either.

Love and positive energy to you
You will find your way

^ What he said

thanks

I agree. A rollercoaster ride of imagery.