DISCLAIMER
THESE ARE THE BORED RAMBLINGS OF A MADMAN, DO NOT PAY ATTENTION IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING INTERESTING TO READ, ALSO DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE DEPRESSED BY THE STUPID TRIFLES OF OTHERS EASILY.
Well nexus it's been a while and I don't know why i felt compelled to come back and make a post but hey here I am. Long story short: boy gets job living in desert for 3 and a half months, boy abuses dmt at every chance he gets with a stupid hope that he might learn something, and now here I am crazier than I have ever been wondering what the hell the point is. Before these past 3 months transpired I thought that I may be able to know maybe even a little bit about my and all of our existence on this strangely lucky blue orb which floats in the void and now...OH BOY...now nothing seems like it will ever make sense and whatever hope i may have had for this place is diminished but a lone sinew that keeps me attached to this world. The thought "kill yourself" pounds its way into my psyche everyday (not because I think it will help because I have a strong feeling that it would just be a reset button and that i would end up back here to do it all over again) but for a small hope that I may bargain with some sadistic deity to let me become nonexistence and to never think or be again. Do not think that i pity myself and think that my life is bad for I know that life is truly a gift to be cherished and I know i have a privaleged life. It is that i do not deserve such a beautiful place to spend my life such as this for I squander it all. and then there's society: a populus willing to be repressed and abused for the sake of false hopes and protection. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? Does it exist? Or do we just convince ourselves that life is worth living for the sake of self interest? Thus is the paradox that has become so ingrained in my being so much that i feel that i almost am the paradox. The schism between loving this beautiful place and hating the creatures such as my self that are destroying it whether directly or vicariously. I know I have not done anything say "too terrible" such as murder or rape but does the fact that i haven't commited the worst of attrocities mean that I still deserve to live? And then there's the lights and metallic orbs in the sky. Basically since this year started I have had over 50 sightings of what you know as UFOs. I would rationalize it and go on thinking I'm crazy and drug use causes me to see them but there is the hard cold fact that I see them with other people which rules out hallucination in my book. Or at least just me hallucinating them. but there's really nothing to be said about that other than the fact it confused me more because i can't trust them because i don't trust myself, or any other humans for that matter.
The real problem is the dualism and how fast i switch back between both sides, though I always let the dark win...anyway

I don't know what i expected to gain from writing this and honestly i expect to gain nothing but such is life...maybe... Theres so much more to it too but I've realized i can convince myself that anything is "real" so I can't really convey it and have it make sense, not that any of the previous things I've written make sense. Even now i look back on what I have written and wonder if I actually believe it or if it's just some dickish part of me looking for attention but it is the struggle that I have been having whether real or not. I know none of you can help me but I'm sure some of you have had at least a similar problem so I want to know what the trippy trippers think, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. Sorry for the cynicism, but hey thats me...I think..hehe. This is undoubtedly my most scatterbrained post ever. To self-induced insanity! Drink! Edit: kinda funny actually, now that i've written this i feel fine but as hendrix said: manic depression has captured my soul

Dont give up hope brother. The world is a crazy place, and its easy to become cynically imbalanced in the way we look at things, at least thats my pet peeve .

Your protest against the crazyness and harshness of it all is to try and keep on living, abstracting your own reality where you can do the most you can to help fix the world that we have all taken part in breaking. Fixing and breaking is what its all about, besides balance of course.

Manic depression is my way of life too, its about imbalance. The one thing i have learned from tripping, is that theres balance and delusion. Delusion in distorting the bad things that are in reality, and delusion in a false sense of security/ignorance of the bad things in life. Drift too far in either direction, and you've strayed from the path that is the razors edge. The balance needed to maintain a happy/productive life is illusory, and we all do the best we can. Its ok to focus on all the nasty stuff going on, just like its ok to experience states of extacy or extreme delusion that things are just fine, in fact i think its healthy so long as you recognize the danger of going too far into those reality abstractions.

Keep the cosmic perspective at hand, close to the heart, and never forget the incredible and infinite potential of everything.

Manic depression can be a curse and a blessing, you just have to learn to recognise when your deluding yourself from the true reality, both in states of delusional extreme happiness, and heavy cynicism/nhilism/depression associated with focusing on all the bad stuff in life.

Balance out, eat/sleep/exercise healthly, meditate, random acts of kindness, abstain from drugs for an amount of time, and do the hard thing, keep balance. Meditation helps me the best in that regard, and occasional psychadelic use helps alot too, too much can be counterproductive to the goal of achieving balance. BTW this is all self constucted quasi-buddhist/hindi/shamanic philosophy along with some bits picked up randomly along the way, often times in the places you least expect them. That's the magic of life.

Keep on fighting, and don't let nobody get you down.

Someone on here recommended the book "Feeling Good" by David Burns, for a "treatment" for depressive episodes. It looks like another self-help book but is scientifically grounded - ie: tested, with controls, and shown to be effective non-drug-treatments for certain mental "dis-orders" like depression and anxiety - which seem to arise out of living in modern technological industrial BS. You may find it as useful as I did (and still do).

Regardless, I hope you find some peace.

I’m older than many here, so I’ve probably been through a few more ups and downs than you have, and here’s what I can say from experience: There IS light at the end of the tunnel. At certain points in my life I dug holes so deep that I was absolutely certain I’d never be able to climb out. And I don’t think I did – I didn’t climb out – I was lifted out.

We struggle trying to understand the purpose of all of this, and often confuse incomprehensibility with lack of purpose. I believe there is a purpose to life – a purpose to your life. Stop fighting. To stop fighting doesn’t mean to give up. It means to flow with life. Accept where you are. Appreciate what you have, and nurture the part of yourself that knows why you are here among us.

"The real problem is the dualism and how fast i switch back between both sides, though I always let the dark win"

This is the type of thinking that gets me down, I have to remember to keep a non dualistic Outlook on life and remember that love is all there really is, and nothing unreal can harm me.

Like gibran said, letting go of the fight is the only way to come out of it, because we are only fighting ourselves, and that's who gets injured in the battle. 2 years ago I was hopeless, drunk and high every moment of everyday. Every morning the first thought I had was "just kill yourself" "end it your not worth it" I finally realized that voice wasn't some monster sent here to torment me it was me, my ego was that monster, I found out it was my own misguided creation that doesn't really exist and that it can't hurt me, only I can hurt me, by not loving myself. Now I know what I want for myself and that's peace of mind, which comes from understanding love, and I want that for even the people I used to hate.

"Who would defend himself unless he thought he were attacked, that the attack were real, and that his own defense could save himself? And herein lies the folly of defense; it gives illusions full reality, and then attempts to handle them as real. It adds illusions to illusions, thus making correction doubly difficult. And it is this you do when you attempt to plan the future, activate the past, or organize the present as you wish."
W-135 ACIM

There have already been some great posts offering wise advice. I would just like to say that I know exactly where you are, I have been there, and the only reason I'm not THERE anymore, is because I consciously battle my self-destructive thoughts on a continual basis.

At anytime, I'm capable of allowing a single negative thought, feeling, or act send me into a downward spiral where I hope for the "sadistic deity to allow me to become non-existent". In fact, thoughts of suicide used to be my only solace.

I struggle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as well, and have spent a large amount of my life fabricating lies that would allow me to continue on existing in society and leading a productive life. For example:

"I'll be happy after I get that prestigious degree" or "I'll be happy after I have the perfect girlfriend" or "I'll be happy once I have the perfect job and plenty of money".

It never worked. I continued living a "productive", EMPTY life.

I have found that serving others, spreading love, pursuing knowledge, and maintaining a humble attitude are some tools that can create a path to peace. Consistent exercise and a healthy diet are also important to fuel the body so the spirit can thrive.

I'm sorry you're going through this, brother. However, I'm also happy for you. I now look back at the darkest period of my life, and see that time as a blessing. If I hadn't hit bottom, I'd be living a shallow, meaningless existence. I hope that you too will eventually be able to look back and see this time of your life as a period of profound transformation.

The nexus and the universe love you brother. Continue your search. You have friends by your side.

Peace and Happy Journeys

Thank you all for your kind words of wisdom, you really have no idea what it means to me . And here I was thinking I had lost a need for this place. You are all right in that I need to help myself find a balance and even if it is unattainable at least I will be trying and thats the best I can do. I am going to try to stay positive for my life while maintaining my cynical nihlistic beliefs about society and humans for they are a part of me and I realize now that I no longer believe in an "absolute truth" for my pursuit of it by the avenue of dmt abuse is partially what caused my depression and insanity in the first place, not to say that i don't think things can get better. I think the search for the truth is somewhat futile for the Tao cannot be known because it simply is. I now know (not that i didn't know this before but just ignored it) that i need to cherish every breath of my life and all the people in my life whether i love or loathe them for they are all notes in the great symphony of existence and to try to change this society that I see so much wrong in by at least speaking my mind more. Though I am not out of this yet for I will undoubtely relapse I hope I can do as EtheogenAdvocate says and look back on this time in my life as a period of profound transformation. I need to stop hoping for the future for there is only now and I need to make right now the best that it can be.

As for DMT my old friend I am done smoalking it for quite some time because it knows just as well as I do that it has showed me what it can for now and that any further pursuit is meaningless. I may take up the occasional pharma if any of you would recommend it for I hear it can help with depression. I have wanted to in the past but have been too afraid to take that deep a look at myself. Also I was wondering if any of you nexians out there could refer me to a basic guide on how to meditate for I have a lot of trouble slowing my mind down to the point where I can but have wanted to for many years. I am also going to excercise more as ya'll suggested because that always makes me feel better, getting the old heart pumpin' and such. But, As the my friend Eyedea who i never met says "Gotta lose your mind before you find it, and then you find out you never lost it at all".

Thanks guys and even though I've never met any of you before I love you all. Now, to your starships! LETS EVOLVE!

You might want to check this out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nwwKbM_vJc

Hi Sphinx.

Personally i would reccomend that you eat at least 3 balanced meals with meat every day, exercise daily, get a job that you like, and get out more in your spare time if you're not doing so right now. I would urge you to forget about Psychs untill you've sorted yourself out. Are you depressed because of a chemical imbalance or a lifestyle one?

Don't you think that you may be wiser to dose on Caapi which has healing antiderpessant actions?

Above all, do more of the things that you find enjoyable, and know when to stop. I apologise if i sound like i'm preaching. Just trying to help. Life is a pain for most of us, and at times we all feel low..But like the others said, it's just a transitional part of growth, and overcoming these tough times is what becoming an adult is all about.

Just my suggestion. Stay well.

Not to be the cynical poop that I am but finding a job i like is kind of like finding the holy grail. A noble goal but I'm not sure if it exists. Would you say harmine has the same antidepressant actions as Caapi because I have a lot of that lying around. And flouro how did you know that my diet has consisted of chips sour patch kids and other junk for the past 3 months? Get out of my head!!!. No thats not all it is but thanks for the advice.

So pure garbage. Maybe that could be the reason? Yeah the insanity and how to deal with it: So yesterday I went to buy groceries and then I took a look in the biodumpsters behind the store and oh my, one was half full of potatoes and others had a lot of leafy greens and other vegetables and few fruits too. Person eating a cooked food diet could have sustained oneself for few days easily for free! There they were... just sitting in the dumpster. In the country where I live and it is a small one people throw every year, the households only, 140 million kilos of edible food away. Aliens aside now this clearly states that we just happen to be having that neurodegenerative thing going on. This is clearly stupid.

I say get a hobby along fixing your diet to channel your creativity into to forget the outerworld insanity.

If you do not like jobs and could care less about the western world then maybe something like www.ic.org could be for you?

[EDIT:]Got more lettuce out of the dumpster than I bought from the store, and for free o_O. All should raid the local dumpsters[/?EDIT]

Hi Sphinx!

I understand what you are saying about jobs. Most of them suck. I feel the same way about that. What is important though is to find a job that you can feel more relaxed in, one that is aligned to your talents perhaps, rather than a mindless dull one. One where you can get on with fellow co workers.

I'm sure Harmine would be great if dosed intelligently as a supplement to a balanced lifestyle including regular exercise and doing more of what you enjoy more often. But then again frequent exercise may be all you need. The thing is to get out, keep moving and not get stuck in a rut. Feeling down?, get out and go for a walk, etc..