...but was different from anything I ever imagined.
Sitting in a chair on the small deck outside my 2nd story apartment door, the acid is in full groove, the sun is out, an imaginary breeze makes the trees dance, and the smoke of a friend's cigar swirls around me. I salute him as I attempt LSDMT for the first time. I begin the long breath to death; my buddy winks at me. He thinks I'm crazy, out of my mind, "No way," he had said earlier,"DMT is too crazy for me to have any desire to try it with Lucy." I respect his discretion, but had humbly disagreed. It felt right. I had started this trip with an intent to find myself as I've been struggling lately with identity issues. For days I had been readying for this moment.
The first breath was enough, but instinctively I took a second equally deep breath of dimitri. "HOLY SHIT!" My friend gets up and goes inside leaving me to journey alone. What a good friend... Without distraction, I close my eyes to become an observer of unspeakable beauty. Spires of warm colors twirled into existence much like a cinnamon roll rises up in an oven. Archaic faces folded out of the spires with their mouths wide open emitting, "OOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM." They were following the spires up, up, up. The towers rose up higher before splashing down. My entire body was buzzing. A thump. The faces rose from the orange sea, and my perspective changed.
I was speeding above calm waves dodging the shadows created by the entities that had now risen up into an infinite formation stretching past the horizon. They had drums now accompanying the chanting. Each creature watched me move along. Their arms moved up and down to the beat of the drums as their bodies smoothly rotated to maintain their focus on me. The sound of machinery was off in the distance. As it overtook the drums, the creatures were pulled back into the sea.
A wall appeared before me. A mask folded from the emptiness and opened his mouth. I entered through the center, and experienced a familiar anxiety. I was forced to look at it. A hand washed over me and brought me peace. I entered through another mask, and experienced shame. I was forced to look deep into the cause. A hand washed over me and brought me solace. Through another mask, and I experienced hatred. A hand washed over me and showed me love. On and on this continued through every negative thought and emotion I have ever felt. Emotional baggage I didn't even know was hiding in the depths of my psyche surfaced, was experienced in full, and washed clean.
Through this breakdown, I wanted to run away. I didn't want to face any of it. Suppress is best. I tried to get out, but I was trapped in a cage, my personal hell. This was not what I wanted. I would awaken as a schizophrenic. A very real possibility. Bouncing from condemnation to grace and returning full swing was eating away at my sanity. I couldn't get the thought out that I was being punished. Shown love to have it ripped away before being thrown into despair never to see it again. It would of course surface again through each scenario.
It finally made sense to me. I was in control of myself. Inside of me is heaven and hell, and I can choose my perspective of life. It is up to me to manifest these states into reality with my thoughts, actions, and emotions. I just have to stay present. I have to keep them in check. A task I will forever be charged with. I know this isn't very articulate. I can't really describe how everything clicked, or the resulting mindset. I am still dissecting what really happened.
A whirlpool opened up to a wormhole to swallow my self whole. I was pulled deep under the waters of life. Their were layer upon layers of gears turning creating shapes of biomechanical fish. As soon as you could recognize the shapes they had morphed into a new orientation still with the biomechanical waterscape theme. I was absolutely mesmerized. The many individual gears moving independently yet in unison, never attaining the orientation it was in the moments past seem to describe entropy perfectly.
After watching the pieces fall together for what seemed like ages, my eyes opened. Dimitri had spun a web. Fibers of reality were tightening back into their proper places. I watch for a while as this fractally web merged back together and Lucy began to take hold again.
That was 4 days ago, and I am still riding high. Words cannot begin to describe the experience as futilely as I just tried. There is an energy deep inside of me. I can feel it pulsing with life. As awesome as the visual aspect was, it was nothing compared to the deep cleansing that happened in that 45 minutes. It is as if every atom of my existence has been scrubbed of whatever darkness had manifested itself for the last 10 years. My headache has disappeared. I cannot remember the last time my head was clear and focused, let alone pain-free. This is a new beginning for me, and wherever it leads... well I guess I'll go into it with a new strength.
I love you guys.
We are...
We are like that sentence.
We are not finished.