It this were true my path would be so much easier and I would not be taking a serious (read desperate) look at jamie's post. Nor preparing myself for fully conscious traumatic procedures routinely described as "the worst day in my life by far," after having already had some real dooseys.

But the thoughts are greatly appreciated. I wish it was just a food block or that a surgery would make it go away. But that is not the case.

This is my current Major Life Transition. We all have them. They are not easy. The final one is death. Each one (I don't know about the final) teaches us big lessons, causes growth, but changes our functioning and lives. It's part of being human.

I'm lucky I live in a time and place where my only resort is NOT the shaman because if that was the case I would have begged her or him to break my skull open with a stone so hard my brain leaked out or opened my arteries with a sharp piece of obsidian, this time last week. By the time I got treated, it took me 6 shots of morphine (in about a 12 hour period) that were 1.5 times the regular dose to be able to live in a world that was nothing but pain. Nothing. Frankly, I don't remember much of the details and this is a good thing.

Nasty Surprise. Yet, nice to have some answers, as indicated as I had been spiraling down for awhile in more ways than one.

Wishful thinking and positivity have their place here for sure, but they aren't going to get me through this. This is NOT a matter of attitude, LOL. Unless it's the attitude of the hyperspace nanocities that make up my cellular self.

At least the usual low grade cacophany in my head has decided to check out. They don't like this at all and are utterly silent.

One thing I'm having a problem with is anger. It's HUGE. And I'm recognizing it for what it is. A seriously crappy way for me to deal with pain. I've been joking that I'm skipping denial and depression, but that bargaining has it's place, anger is HERE and that I hope acceptance will come soon.


Peace & Love

Can we get an update? Times like these make you really consider what is and isn't important, and you deserve the best.

Wishing you all the best Pandora. We have communicated only sporadically over the years, but it has always been good. I have always thought of you as a sister in many ways. Stay strong my friend! You will pull through and heal, and in the very worst possible case, your consciousness lives on forever. We are merely vessels. Much love!!

-idt

Best of luck to you Pandora. I wouldn't be able to say i understand what you are going through, but i feel for ya. And i hope that everything goes well for you, or that you at least come to peace with everything.
Much love,
Hostilis

Much love to you Pandora. You are a strong confident woman and have helped and touched me over the years. You are in my thoughts.
Courage my friend...courage.
Om'

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

All the best, Pandora. I hope all goes well and look forward to seeing you around soon. My prayers are with you. Stay strong and always look to the light, may god speed your travels. <3

Sending hugs your way Pandora

Update: Before this put me in the hospital I was having what I called a "pain crisis" about once a week. After release from the hospital, armed with knowledge of what was happening and prescription meds (which I did not want to use) allowed me to stave off the next one for a month.

But, this past weekend I was right back there again. I was very close to throwing in the towel and having my husband drive me to the ER but instead I took my prescription meds and within 36 hours was a lot better.

The past month I avoided prescription meds, didn't smoke much cannabis but consumed oral/edible cannabis quite heavily. My symptoms were overall fairly minimal AND I gained close to five pounds, which felt like a miracle.

There is no cure - but I may be able to live like this for months if not years before facing surgical options. I really do not know. It truly sucks BUT not nearly as much as it did two months ago - at least I know what's going on now.

Peace & Love

Great to hear back from you Pandora! And glad to hear you are doing somewhat better.

Take care Pandora!

Pandora,

My wife was diagnosed in 2007 with secondary progressive multiple sclerosis which is an advanced form of the disease. After consulting with the local 'highly regarded' neurologist in this area who confirmed this diagnosis from an MRI series, his prognosis was very grim.

His proposed solution was to take injected beta interferon even though it would most likely not work. Yeah... highly regarded: How do you spell Quack Quack Quack??. What a load of unmitigated bovine scat. After we researched this guy we found that he is 'on the take' receiving honorarium from the local pharmaceutical companies developing these MS drugs to give speeches regarding their use.

Enough of my ranting. My wife has been under the care of a holistic MD since then and has rejected all forms of 'conventional' medicine. Instead she had taken many controversial (to the pharma companies and the doctors educated by them) which have treated the root causes of the autoimmune response that MS actually is and has had NO symptoms from this horrible disease for the last 2 years. I am not kidding. She has NO SYMPTOMS whatsoever.

My point is that you may want to consider seeking out help from a holistic MD in your area. As you are finding out a little cannabis is going a long way to making you much more comfortable. There may be other treatment modalities that may actually help you heal from this.

I wish you the best my friend and much love to you,

Rivea

Peace and Love Pandora, love ya