Congrats on your profound realization... You sound like a version of myself from the distant past. My advice to you is that you have your entire life to come to further realizations, and have many beautiful experiences ahead of you (many dark ones as well, but that's life... the good is boring and almost meaningless without the bad). I would suggest reading lots of books, and doing lots of research. You should check out Ishmael, The Story of B, and My Ishmael by Daniel Quinn (if you have not yet already). This stuff may be right along the lines of what you are going through right now, from a philosophical standpoint. These books will not answer your questions, but will ask other questions that may provide more direction or focus (if you're into the subject material). Another great read: The Cosmic Serpent (by Jeremy Narby).