Let me start off by saying that i had to learn at a very young age to take care of myself and that i was basicly alone in this world.

Both my parents were heavy drinkers and i although i always lived with my mom she was not home as much as she should been, alot of working coupled with heavy drinking gave her not much time to spend with her son.

It could have been worse for sure, she was never a agressive alcoholic, more of a sad neurotic one.

Anyway as long as i remember i have been taking care of myself, cooking and being alone is something i got used to early.

For some reason i haven´t been to depressed by all this, i guess my emotional system just shut down early since i´m generally a very easy going and mellow person.


Anyway in later days i have actually started to get more problems from this, not having much need for human relations can be hard when you live in a relation and have a family.


Don´t get me wrong, i´m quite functional and have very good friends and a loving girlfriend, but somehow i feel so fucked up since i have no need for this somehow.

I love my girls(gf and daughter) but sometimes i can see a couple and just not relate in the emotions they have for each other.


Sometimes i´m glad i´m different since alot of people seem to have more problems because they are slaves to their emotions and act fucking crazy because of them, but sometimes i can get sad cause even though this dissorder has helped me somehow i can feel like a robot.


Ive felt aya and psychs in general has helped me understand alot of my issues, and i really wan´t to dig deeper inside, but honestly iam scared to death what i will find inside the deep end of my soul.

For many years ive had this character i play, ive been training heavy and alot of people respect me since i´m a somewhat smart guy who´s been a talent in whatever ive put my mind into.

But the last few months ive been out since my back is in bad shape and the last month ive been out of work aswell, my confidence shrinks daily and i´m starting to feel weak in my mind and body.


I guess i will end this rant now and i now what i need to do, just smoalk that shit or drink it and trust the molecule to show me the way, like it always does.

When someone has a rough or neglected childhood it's the norm to shut down emotionally in order not to feel the pain, sadness, loneliness, fear or whatever. Unfortunately, if you haven't gone through it and felt it yet, which your current numbness would indicate, you must feel whatever emotional pain or fear that you avoided feeling as a child by shutting down. By becoming numb as a children we have shunted what we would have felt if we hadn't been numb into our subconscious minds, where it festers and holds us back in life, reducing the fullness of our ability to feel, think and act as adults.

Feel it to heal it. In practice this is always a path of awareness. Awareness will bring the contents of your subconscious out into the light. Entheogens will help with this, particularly when used with the intention to heal. Awareness is the only way to heal, but it means going through whatever is in us, however unpleasant. Bad trips are healing, welcome them.

Honestly entheogens aren't even needed, and this can be accomplished simply by paying attention to your own awareness whenever you can. This is the highest form of meditation and practiced by serious practitioners of literally all enlightenment traditions. It retrains the mind out of fear and into love. While this retraining is occurs, if you had a rough childhood as some of us have had, it will also take you through whatever your personal hell is. Remind you of anything you may have smoked or ingested?

The pathwork lectures explain all of this in staggering detail. In them the character you play is called the mask. Here's a quote from lecture 14 followed by one from lecture 190:

"When people are emotionally sick, it is always in one way or another that a mask self has been created. They do not realize that they are living a lie. They have built this layer of unreality that has nothing to do with their real being. Thus they are not true to their real personality. As I said before, being true to oneself does not mean that you should give in to your lower self. But be aware of it. Do not fool yourself if you still act according to "necessity" and not out of enlightened vision and inner conviction. Be aware that your feelings are still unpurified in this or that respect. Then you have a good basis from which to start. It will be easier for you to face yourself in this manner when you realize that underneath the layers of your lower self lives your higher self, your ultimate and absolute reality which you must eventually reach. And in order to reach it, you must face first your lower self, your temporary reality, instead of covering it up, because that puts an even greater distance between you and absolute reality or your own higher self. And in order to face the lower self, you must at all costs tear down the mask self. You can bring yourself to do so when you visualize these three selves I am discussing here. To lie to oneself, it is often sufficient not to think about one's emotions and true motives at all, but merely to let the emotions react without thinking."

"I will terminate this lecture by telling you that the fear is not real. It is truly an illusion, but you must go through it by feeling it. Through the gateway of feeling your weakness lies your strength; through the gateway of feeling your pain lies your pleasure and joy; through the gateway of feeling your fear lies your security and safety; through the gateway of feeling your loneliness lies your capacity to have fulfillment, love, and companionship; through the gateway of feeling your hate lies your capacity to love; through the gateway of feeling your hopelessness lies true and justified hope;
through the gateway of accepting the lacks of your childhood lies your fulfillment now. When you experience all these feelings and states, it is essential that you do not delude yourself into believing they are caused by anything you experience or fail to experience now. Whatever the now brings forth, it does so only because the past still resides in your system. This, too, is redundant, but it needs to be said again and again.
Through these gateways you will find true life. All the many temptations that beckon you to follow paths which imply that it is possible to find the spiritual reality of yourself without going through these gateways are wishful thinking. There is no way around what has accumulated in you and has poisoned your whole system -- your spiritual, your psychological, and often also your physical system. This poison can be eliminated only by feeling what you hoped you could avoid feeling. Then a new energy influx comes in ever greater measure. Many of you have experienced to some degree what I am saying here -- and therein lies your growth. But you all have to go further in this regard. The self-punishment for hatred and spite, for cruelty and greed, for selfishness and one-sided demands upon others must be transcended into the terror of your fear, your shame, your pain. When you stop fighting this, you will become real, open, and alive."

Thank you for your kind words, i know that by just accepting my wounds that they will heal, the hard part now is to integrate these feelings and leting the process take it´s course.

I had a very shattering pharma journey this weekend that helped alot since i surrendered very early and just let it do it´s thing.

Been there done that..
Had terrible drunk father that used to find great pleasure in knocking me out.
Or attacking me,left at 13 yrs lived on streets till caught,was lucky did real well in school.
although sometimes showed up kinda dirty from sleeping on roofs,and had no way to clean my clothes.
went through boys homes till the day i turned 17 then in 7 days after test which i took on my birthday joined military..

what i learned is this simple..i did not like what was done to me so i could not stand for it to happen to others..
became a bullys worste nightmare.

Build your life with the things you want..i wanted honor and integrity,and happiness in my life..
have found it for myself,it was not easy and now i pay it forward for the ones that helped me..
goodluck Oden

Damn man i´m sorry to hear that, i feel really shitty fo starting a thread pitying myself when ive lived a nice although lonely life.

It´s people like you who had to be through real shit that are the real heroes.

^^^My life mirrors the same, but different. I think there is no point in comparing different traumas or challenging situations; I've heard it said that everyone's upbringing is traumatizing to an extent. It's true for everyone in my family, the only people whose upbringing I've seen up close and direct, but none of them will talk about the "elephant in the room", I guess it's what you would call "denial". In my sibling's families I see the exact same patterns emerging, improper boundaries and family structures that don't support flowering individuals. I think this is very widespread (yet not acknowledged or talked about) in western societies.

I have no advice, other than the old maxim, "time heals all wounds". Also, I found a post by Giovanni Lattanzi, a kambo/iboga practitioner, discussing applications of these medicines in his life. You may find it helpful, scroll to the bottom to "Kambo went through Iboga"

dont have anything to add, but i can relate.