Hey guys,

I am new to nexus and just wanted to share an experience I had with MHRB during the end of january of this year. So after completing a long MHRB brewing session, I decided to try a high dose experience. My dosages thus far have been 8-10g of Mimosa Hostilis brewed diligently and reduced into one shot glass. This in combination with 3g of Syrian Rue packed into 1g gel capsules, was (I thought) a medium dose, I have had a wide gamit of experiences with this (ranging from visually stimulating to ecstatic) and thought I would up the anti.
So I decide to keep the same amount of Rue but double MHRB (2 shot glasses).

From what I've read recently on in these forums 8-10g of Mimosa is already on the high side (wish I knew that then), the dosage I imbibed ended up being around the 16-20g mark. Needless to say I would think long and hard about doing something so extremely foolish again.

I began by swallowing the Rue caps then waiting half an hour before drinking the Mimosa brew. The last thing I remember before the effects completely rolled over me was watching Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, this is significant because it was pretty much the last semblance of sanity I had for the rest of the night. When I felt that familliar warm fever like sensation flood into my hands and arms I asked my sitter/GF to help me into the shower. I thought it would be a good idea since at this point I was uncontrolably nauseated and could purge at any moment. Unfortunately the purge did'nt come and as the water flowed I began to notice how perfect each single drop was as it rushed out of the shower head. Suddenly I felt several presences around me and they seemed to be chanting in a low rumble which melded with the sound of the shower;

'you should not cross the barrier'
'unworthy, unclean'

They hissed at me over and over again as I adimently apologized for my intrusion;
'I'm sorry, I wont do it again I swear' I repeated like a man being led to his execution.

Then I felt like I was washing huge clumps of mud of of myself, this mud was the evil and negativity that I had gathered in my life time it seemed. As the clumps fell away the tone of the chant changed into;

'Clean but still unworthy'
'Unwelcome here'
'Worthy but still unclean'
'Must not cross the barrier'

I couldn't make heads or tails of this because I have had a couple breakthrough experiences before and never received such ominous warnings. When I returned to my bed room I realized the barrier was already crossed, there was no going back. Thank fully my GF had turned the lights out and was playing ambient music on the stereo which stabilized my head-space for the time being. I laid down and wrapped myself in the covers closing my eyes and doing my best to weather the storm. Suddenly I had a vision of my friend, he was asking who I was, abruptly he collapsed into my very being, this happened several times during this point of the trip. I had a vision of every male I've ever met and they collapsed their being into mine, like a fractal folding in on itself. The visual motion of these personified fractals made me wretch, the purge came so suddenly that I was barely able to make it to my bucket, but barely a quarter of a mouthful came out. Most of the active ingredients had already been absorbed and pounding the notion into my mind 'I was way passed the point of no return'.

Under the covers again this time my GF had her arms around me, all was quiet except for her gentle humming. She had not drank the brew that night but when I looked at her I saw that the female half of the personified fractals had collapsed into her and in a sense she was every women I had ever met, in another sense she was the divine feminine. I began to ask 'who are...'
'relax, don't stress yourself anymore then you have to' she replied nurturing me like a babe in arms, holding me tight.

Then the feminine collapsed into the masculine. I was no more, we were no more, history was no more. I cant recall much after this point but I remember not only entering this multi-colored fractal-postmodern-deco multi-verse, but flying past it screaming in joy/pain/ecstatic suffering. After the fantastic/terrifying colored multi-verse whizzed by, I (or the nearest semblance of I that remained) became a part of an event horizon. Apparently according to Einstein when you approach the speed of light time slows down and eventually stops. In my perception time slowed to a crawl, I opened my eyes and saw my room but not my room. Then a dark presence held me there announcing loudly that I wasn't allowed to leave! That I had reached The End and would be stuck in this timeless place. I was terrified, but if you were outside looking in you wouldn't be able to tell, paralyzed I cried inside myself. After what seemed like eternity, could've been five minutes or 5 years I had no sense of it at all. I was shown a golden vision and was told I could live a life with no consequences, that I could be as dark and evil as I pleased. I shudder at this notion and I cried knowing that this was a taunt, that I had not cared to notice that up until that point I had been living selfishly as if with no consequences. I paid attention quietly as this force showed me the suffering I caused by being careless and how it impacted those around me most...it was a harsh lesson indeed.

Eventually time began to tick by again slowly, the personified fractal flowed in reverse (outwards instead of in) dividing me from my GF, then dividing infinitely until the world was created and populated again. According to my alarm clock the experience had transpired within 9hrs, with this I realized just how much of a pounding my psyche had taken. I was down and depressed for several weeks researching existentialism, thinking about my existance and existance in general, asking whats the point.

Finally I came to the conclusion that I do exist and started making the best of it. I'm glad to report that since then I have refined my diet and am trying to included exercise, mindfulness, compassion and meditation into my daily routine. But now I am very wary about journeying, I have not touched much of anything besides a moderate amount of beer and a single hit of hash in the past 4 months. The strange disembodied warnings still haunt me, Unwelcome? Unworthy? Unclean?, these echo through me every time I so much as think about drinking the brew again.

Though I am quiet happy being without I still wonder if anyone has ever experienced something like this? How does one become worthy to cross the barrier? Is it at all possible? Or am I just complete crazy or out of line?

Thanks for reading, I know it was really long!

Yikes man! That is an intense dose! My thoughts on the 'unclean/worthy' thing are either:

- a part of yourself wasn't ready to go as far as you were pushing and was resisting by any means necessary. OR,

- the entities / voices were real and warning you that you weren't ready enough spiritually / mentally to experience fully what that dose had to offer.

Either way if you decide to go back I would suggest going slowly. I think there is a lot to be said for working your way up, particularly if you don't have the experienced hand of a guide / Shaman to guage doses and help you out should things start getting tough. Glad you made it back to your usual self ok, I have had a few smoked journeys that left me utterly shattered and wondering if I had broken myself, but its all par for the course.

Be well my friend!

I wouldn't read much into the 'being unworthy' message. I've gotten it before and I have a little insight on it, but like most things dealing with these topics you'll need to stretch your mind a bit.


I was having a hard experience this one time. I knew I had achieved the dosage necessary to breakthrough (shrooms) and could feel myself teetering right on the edge of it. There was a sort of schizoid conversation going on with different aspects of my psyche, and thankfully I was tripping hard enough that I could sort of just witness these sides argueing with themselves (even though it was unpleasant).

I felt this ominous presence hang over me and scream about how unworthy I was to cross the barrier. Then there was another side of me that ALMOST believe this voice, but kept being reminded that I have crossed over many times before and what made this time different?

At that moment, the oppresive side of me didn't have a direct comeback to that. Being distracted, I broke through and entered hyperspace like I had done times before, but this particular time I saw something peculiar.

I'm going to assume you've seen some Alex Grey psychedelic artwork. Well he does a lot of work with the insides of people's skulls. I was pulling away from the inside of my skull, and on the inside of my face is an elf! We're talking classic santa claus style toy elf, complete with pointy ears, rosy cheeks, and curly shoes. And as I zip past this thing, it looks at me and is absolutely horrified that I discovered it. It's mouth dropped and it looked afraid of me. It vanished right before my sight and the oppressive feeling was totally gone. After that I had a pretty good trip.

Ever since that experiece I've been a huge advocate of meme theory. Briefly stated, it's this concept that thoughts have their own free standing existence, and their medium of evolution is inside our minds. So what this elf was, imo, was a thought form representing some idea of unworthiness. I even labeled this particular being Unworthy, just so I could call it that in case I ever encountered it again (I haven't). It became quite comical after I realized that it wasn't some omnipotent being telling me I was unworthy, but a little pipsqueak who was FAR more afraid of me then I was of him!

I've done a lot of study into the old myths and legends surrounding the little people. Disney sort of really screwed with our understanding of these other beings since elves and fairies are always portrayed as being these gentle wonderful creatures. When doing a decent study of the old tales however, you quickly realize that these beings are capricious as all get out. You never know what one is planning to do from one second to the next; sometimes they would help humankind for no apparent reason and other times they would play incredibly cruel jokes on them.

When we read the works of theosophy and some of the great thinkers of that train of thought, the astral realm is full of these thought beings (and St. Germain once said that nothing good comes from the astral plane). Indeed every thought you have is likely it's own entity in some fashion, whether manifested as an elf or something else. The trick of this is that these beings can only screw with you if your not aware of the fact that they are screwing with you. You don't HAVE to entertain any of the thoughts that enter your mind, including feelings of unworthiness. This makes it so that YOU have all the power, not them. However, and this seems to be some sort of astral law, if they can convince you to pay attention to them, then you can fall under their control since you've given up your personal power (Don Juan in the Castenada material says that a luminous being only values personal power). This is made even more difficult because a study of the literature tells us that these beings have the ability to glamour their targets, as in make them see and hear things that might not really be there, adding to the deception.

Why they do these things is anyone's guess. I've heard a compelling arguement that says that the gnomes and elves are the caretakers of the earth, i.e. nature spirits or elementals. As such they might be very nervous about humanity discovering how close they are to us, and their only defense against us is to try and deceieve us. The old tales also state clearly that if a human earns the respect of one of these beings by matching wits against it, the beings will honor them forever. So it seems to me that the name of the game is to beat them at their own game. I haven't had a chance to test this theory yet, but if I ever encounter another oppresive voice in hyperspace I'm going to call it out and see what happens. I'm very convinced that by doing this, it's like dispelling the entity from your presence.

This is just my personal take on it coming from direct experience. I know how frightening those moments can be so I do sympathize. It helps me to think that the beings in hyperspace are very anxious about us discovering them, so they will use whatever tricks are available to them to keep us out of their playground. Again, who knows why they do this.

Yeah, I would'nt recommend that dose. I interpreted it much like you Purges, I really wasn't spiritually ready to enter such a sacred space. It was as if I bypassed hyperspace all together and went 'beyond'.

The beings chanting seemed to out number me 50-1, I was freakedout because I had never encountered anything like that before. It was like clumsily breaking into some sort of tribal council and walking through awkwardly. They didn't seem like thought forms though, they had some genuine concern about an 'unworthy' entering what lay beyond, but save for the warning made no effort to stop me. I have had an entity 'shoot' terrible visions my way that stopped me dead in my tracks before and there were alot of them there this time, they could have frightened me to the point of calling an ambulance. But at no point did I feel physically threatened(I.e. Overdosing or poisonning), it just didnt seem to make sense.

I've read some Castenada and am familliar with the Paths of Power concept, but in that space its quiet difficult to distinguish between ones own archetypal creations, actaul beings and beings wearing archetypal masks. Just too damn wacky in there...

If I do decide to pick up the explorers hat again, I'll be treading quiet carefully as far as dose is concerned.
Thanks for the advice.

Looking at this from a slightly more grounded perspective, it sounds like you were entering into a threshold experience with a lot of baggage. Insecurities, doubts- particularly doubts about how you treat others and interact with the world at large... Doubts about your intentions- these can be crushing burdens during a deep psychedelic journey. Those entities may have been there as a warning- crossing that barrier with your personal burdens can take you into some very ugly places. And it's quite possible these voices were self generated. You knew where you were headed and used these judgemental-entity aspects of yourself as a means of heading yourself off at the pass to prevent a total high temperature psychic meltdown.

That said, it sounds like you've done some very productive work Earthside since your trip. I bet that when you look back at this experience years from now, you'll see it as a major and very positive turning point for yourself.

I bet a smallish dose sometime soon would go down well. The fact that you responded so proactively to this experience and are doing the work day to day- these things tend to be rewarded during return trips... Nothing like getting a beautiful affirmation that you are on the right path.

Yeah for sure,

I feel compelled to be proactive, its an on going challenge, but its better then facing the abyss again! I figured there's nothing to loose in taking the time to work on and really try to figure myself out. So for now I'm staying out of the deep waters, that being said an affirmation would be nice.

Thanks for reading.