As i layed back waiting for my second cup of aya to kick in i was just on the brink. I knew all i needed was a booster shot which was given to me as the now 4 shamans sang in unison. Emilio's grandfather a very powerful shaman from far away was our guest for this evening and we were all excited. Even mateo, the senior shaman of the village was giddie as a school girl to have this master in our presence.
I let out a big yawn as the dmt coarsed through me and the visual's began. They were coming on at a normal pace and increasing with every passing min. i enjoyed the familiar faces of entity's, the others as i call them and then i saw my own profile in the right side of the vison. As i looked my profile suddenly changed into my fathers face and it was so nice to see him again as he has been dead since i was sixteen. I remeber thinking to myself, is this journey going to be about him? hmmm.
In the middle of yet another big yawn as the shaman's harmonics filled the room I remember saying to myself, man, this is such a safe setting, nothing could go awry tonight with the power in this room. Almost as soon as the last word left my mind everything changed in an instant. I felt attacked. The visons became grotesqe and perverted with rotting skulls flying at my face and beasts doing violent sex acts on one another. I could feel the chemical response of terror rising in me and my heart beat raising. Holy shit, what the fuck is happening!? I allowed this for a few more moments and said no, this is still my mind and i still have some say as to the direction this is going but i was wrong in way yet never more right. I tried to change the visions with techniques that have worked in the past, cats, think of cats, anything happy and smile. I did this and cats appeared, cute black one's many of them but then they started to devour eachother and it again turned dark.
I thought o man, this is not good, this is not good at all so i sat up. With ayahuasca there's a clarity at times when you open your eye's, the visuals stop and you can sometimes reset. So i moved my pillow to the opposite side of my mat and lyed back looking out the windows to the beautiful night jungle sceen. I couldnt sit still and my mine raced. I rolled to my side to face the shaman's but they stopped singing and i felt even more scared and alone. The terror was becoming too much and all my counter measures were'nt working. I came to a cross road. i couldnt take it anymore, I had to make a decision of 3 options. Call out to Efrian for him to take this down for me as he did for claire, 2- reach into my bag where i keep 2 pills of diazapan to bring me down as things were getting much stronger by the min or option 3.
Option 3 came to me in a brief moment of clarity. Nothing can come to me that isnt from me. If this terror and horrible visons are here they are a part of me. Option 3 was to hang in there, accept that this was part of me and that i needed to love it as much as i love and accept the good parts. This is what i did. I accepted and surrendered to the onslaught as it wasnt just happening TO me, it WAS me.
The visions changed and kind of just settled into a murky fog and i felt the fear leaving. I felt better and made it through. As the visions returned i was walking down a cobblestone street with spirits on either side of me. I walked slowly still a bit nervous and they began to clap and smile at me. The spirit of ayahuasca came up to me and said " im so sorry, but we had to do that, you still had some last bit of fear inside you down deep and we had to bring it out and show you. we had to clear it out before we could begin the lessons we have for you" I agreed and sobbing said thank you, I fully understand no apolgies are needed. Truly thank you for helping me. He then reached out his hand and asked if we were still freinds! LOL, of coarse I answered, you did this out of love and i appreciate all your doing for me.
Something was different. these spirits were not the other's. These were not the entitie's and i realized they were plant teachers! Finaly, the plant teachers ive been hearing about since i arrived that come to you through diet and bathing in the leaves of specific plants. It usually takes 12 days but they were there in just 5! I was so excited and i wanted to get right to work.
I realized that i had never taken an active roll in my journey's. I was always the observer so a voice in my head said "get up, move around in here, this is your world now too and you need to participate not just observe" so i did. I began interacting and now intentionaly moving and navigating where i wanted to go. This was totally new for me and I realized an important step. Now that im not just sitting on my ass i was told the lessons will begin.
The first thing I was being taught or actually was practicing was how to open the connection between me and the plant spirt i was working with. It was not ayahausca this I knew for certain. I could feel the spirit in my mind and communicating with me but was having tremendous trouble keeping it open. I worked on it for what felt like close to a half hour or more and made some progress. We spoke finally. Their message comes through as your own thoughts so its tricky to decipher whats your's and whats the spirts. as i got the hang of it and fumbled again and again i finaly rolled over to rest and exclaimed, "I'm sorry guy's im trying, im trying so hard, thank you for your patients". I felt like a fumbling fool. I then rolled back to my right as that where the spirt contact was to try again. I needed to know how this works, do I just sit hear and listen or can I ask questions? So with all my energy and strength i first opened the contact which is hard, and even harder to keep o[pen. It was taking all my energy just to maintain the open line of communication. So much in fact that it took many minute's just to form my question but i finaly did it. " can i ask you things, can i ask you questions and will you answer them?". I was on the verge of lossing it and was fighting to stay tuned to get the response with all my might and it came! "Yes, what is your question". I immediatly realized, shit, I didnt have one! I forgot to formulate a question!!!! I lost the connection once again and rolled over to my back and laughed my ass off! How could be so stupid! All that work and I forgot the damn question at home! I thought man im terrible at this but then my shaman's voice rang in my ears. poco a poco jeff. Little at a time. I finaly understood. I was learning just at my own pace. the plants would teach me everything and i needed to know and I should lighten up on myself.
The rest of the night was just trying to learn how to distingush the different spirits from each other and hear their messages. I was coming down a bit so it was getting harder to do so I decided thats enough for one evening. I lyed on my back still moaning a bit and struggling trying to take this all in when I heard the familiar blowing whisper directly behind me. My shaman was sitting at my head and I felt so loved and comforted by his presence. They start with this beautiful gentle rythmic blowing as they enter trance to sing the icaro's. The songs began as I lyed there so happy, so joy filled, so absolutely humbled.
After the icaros Efrian lights his match to ingnite his mapacho pipe to bless and clear you. After the blessing its standard practive to ask how your doing. It was very hard for me to express myself in spanish but i did. I told him excitedly, "the plant's, the plants they came to me tonight!" He nodded and smiled and said, poco, a poco jeff. Muy bueno. And with that he left me to work with another perosn in the group.
In my room after ceremony I was absorbing all the lessons and feeling the appreciatation i had filling me. as I went out side to for my usual post ceremony purge I could kind of see that all these plants, the big toads that scare the shit out of me when i go to the bathroom each night, even the lake. I could feel their spirits now. The brown men of indegenious culture are not being clorfuly descriptive when they talk about the spirits of the forest. The spirits of the plants, they are very much there. Not all are teachers but they all have their own spirt. It was a very big night.
Om'
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