ever since i was young, i believed every individual had control of their own destiny. i was brought up in a christian household and taught to believe that god gave everybody free will. that we were in control of our destiny; our present actions mold our future into what it is. and to some extent i still believe this.
DMT has changed the angle on which i view that though. i first tried DMT when i was eighteen years old. i had been going through a rough time and was seriously reflecting on my desire to exist. ive tried my share of mushrooms, acid and some of the more common RC's before this, so i was pretty well versed in the world of psychedelics up until this point. i knew very well that ones mental state plays a big part into the psychedelic experience and i wouldnt usually have done any drug(besides weed) in my mental state.
the DMT i got was from a trusted source. i knew it was the real thing and i knew it was pure. in fact even now, 3 years later, i still wont trust any other source. the very first time i smoked it, was at my buddy M's house. i tried about 10mgs out of a little plastic bong using a torch lighter to try and vaporize the DMT. i didnt take a full hit, mostly out of fear but also because of the awful plastic taste. nonetheless, i still felt the effects. it was very mild. the walls turned a golden hue and had a geometric pattern running all through it. it almost seemed to have another dimension to it. when i looked at my hands, they had the same golden hue as the walls but my skin looked transparent. i could see millions of tiny veins running through my hands taking the oxygen to where it needed to be. pulsing not just to the rhythm of my heart, but also to the rhythm of the universe. after about five minutes this feeling wore off but i still had a feeling of rejuvenation. maybe life wasnt as bad as i painted it.
i tried it for a second time not even an hour later. the feeling of rejuvenation gave me the courage to do it right this time. i loaded up about 25mgs, this time into a little pipe. because of my mind state, i wanted to be outdoors this time. just a little closer to nature. i laid back, sparked my lighter and carefully danced it over the top of the bowl. i watched it melt down into the ashes, as if trying to escape the flame. i kept at it until my lungs were full with the now so familiar taste of DMT. when i blew out the smoke, my vision turned into watercolor. the clouds and sky were blended and the plants just different shades of green, no definition. two bugs then flew into my field of vision and the vibrations from their wings rippled through the sky. like a pebbles thrown into a still pond. as the vibrations rippled through each other, the face of a man appeared. he had a long, thin smile stretching from ear to ear and looked to be indian. although he said nothing, i knew he was there to welcome me. they had been expecting my arrival. the mans face disappeared and i was now in a temple. there was music playing and although i had not seen anyone i was being greeted by many souls. i then saw ganesha. although i knew nothing of the hindu deities, i knew this was ganesha. the deity then began to dance for me. from its trunk came another of itself, and from that one, another. and another. and another. this happened until my entire field of vision was ganesha connecting inside itself, perfectly patterned. going infinity until it all subsided and i was just left with a smile from ear to ear. what i find most amazing about this is ganesha is known as the remover of obstacles. lord of beginnings. and thats exactly what the experience was. a brand new beginning. i hadnt died that day, but i was reborn. the rest of that week was spent exploring the realm of DMT.
after a week of celebration it was time for me to head back home. not before one last trip to hyperspace though. the night before my departure, me and my buddy M drove out to the outskirts of town and converted the bed of his truck into a comfortable hyperspace launchpad. we were both wrapped in blankets laying under the stars. we decided to go one at a time. because we were out in public at least one of us needed to be coherent at all times in case someone stumbled upon us. when it was my turn, i told M not to load too much into the vapor genie. 'not tonight' he replied as he kept spooning DMT into the bowl. once it was completely full, he screwed on the top of the pipe and handed it to me. i wont lie, i was scared. i was really scared. up until that point, every dose had been carefully weighed down to the milligram and i had never done more than 50mgs. tonight i would do 250(no typo, 250 mgs). finally i worked up the courage and sparked the lighter. as i inhaled i could almost instantly feel it inside me. i kept inhaling as long as i could. until reality melted away. everything went black. as i laid in the nothingness, i had no body. no sense of being. just thought. i thought i was dead, and i was at peace with everything. then boom, the big bang. every thought, feeling and experience being born right there in front of me. all however many billions of years of existence right there. up until the moment i hit the pipe. once i reached that point in time, i was brought back to my body. transported through all of the universe back into myself. i opened my eyes and looked at M, only it wasnt him. it was me. again i thought i was dead, and again i was at peace with that idea. i closed my eyes and laid there. my vision was filled with beautiful patterns and colors. i stayed in this state until i drifted back into reality.
although i dont remember much of this trip, it was the most profound and still affects me. that single trip changed the way i view life. ever since that experience ive felt life isnt just random occurrences. it feels as if ive lived my life before. there will be times where something will happen, and ill know whats coming next. it first happened late one night when me and a friend got a flat tire. it was darker than usual that night so we were having a bit of trouble. after some struggle, somebody pulled up in their truck to help us out. it was a couple in their mid 20's who were coming home from the bar. after replacing the tire and some casual chitchat, they invited us back to their house for some drinks. since it was right around the corner we agreed to come along. we got there and had some drinks. everything was normal and we were all enjoying ourselves. as everybody headed out back for a cigarette i got a weird feeling. the girlfriend was telling a story that sounded really familiar. something about her best friend. the feeling i got kept growing. i had heard this before, i had been there before. i knew what she was going to say 'and i didnt think he even knew me that well.' my friend must have saw in my face something was wrong. he thanked them for the drinks and help and we were quickly on our way.
since then its happened countless times and ive learned how to better manage the experiences. ive come to the conclusion that when i took the hero dose, i saw all of time. but because of how immense this is, and in order for me to keep my grip on reality, my mind keeps that locked away. im sure that with proper meditation i could access it, but im okay without. the future still shows itself every once and a while and ive learned to enjoy it, the feeling of experiencing something again for the first time.
experiencing future events in present time