Hello,

It's a bit tedious, but I have to explain my past to properly ask my questions, I apologize and appreciate anyone that endures!
I have suffered from depression for about 19 years, since I was 16. I have had many years of success with conventional medications, mostly MAOI's but all have "pooped out" which is called tachyphylaxis, a fun word to say but a real bitch to experience. What is so baffling about this is that no matter how long you wait after a poop out, the drugs won't work again (some do a little bit), thus something must have been permanently altered in my brain, it's like the disease adapts and overcomes the treatment. I have tried ECT, a VNS implant and a DBS implant. I have made little effort with diet, exercise or talk therapy, a problem which I now fully recognize but I am in such bad shape I can't fully implement them; I now know that I should have worked harder in this manner when a drug was successful!

Questions:

1.This all started when I consumed a large does of hash and flipped out in terror while simultaneously not being able to escape from a mind I suddenly feared. I handled LSD very well on two previous occasions. Anyway the terror passed but re-emerged a week later and then after several months settled down into what I was told was depression. Any ideas about this? Does latent depression simply emerge following trauma or have I been unable to psychically integrate that initial experience?

2.Hearing about ayahuasca's ability to help one deal with depression, I extracted some DMT from MHRB. I found my threshold dose and then broke through minimally about five times. It was quite intense, beautiful and interesting, the creatures were friendly, but it seemed like I would need more time in that place to help with my condition. I was amazed at the feeling that I was not myself, this feeling to a far lesser degree has lingered. I will be on an MAOI (phenelzine) in about a month so I was hoping to take the DMT orally and achieve an ayahuasca type experience. What dose should I take (I needed 40-50mg to break through)? Do I need an experienced shamen or sitter?
I am in very bad shape, anxious and depressed, and I am very scared of the intensity of DMT, but of course I want to get better and will do what is necessary. Does this seem like a psychic problem that a psychedelic could help? I have anecdotally heard that Salvia and Ayahuasca could be helpful, does anyone know how? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Any and all advice is appreciated!

im not a doctor.. but if your clean on meds.. you seem like someone that could use a good ego death.. the thing about it is. once you truly feel your life being tore out you to the core.. you fight like hell to live again..when you get it back to say your greatful is an understatment.. as far as your health goes every day your feet hit the floor. you are given another chance to change something in your life.. its not easy, but few things worth your very best are.aya i think would be great help.. dmt in large dose,s can slap the hell out of you..but leave you with a born from fire forged in steel kind of confidence..aya may be more gentle way to go.. but your health is truly the very first place you should start... its simple... how bad do you want it..everything you need is inside you if you can believe this than you only need to put in the work.. i do not say these things to upset you. i do not know you. but you know as a human . that you are worth the effort to change what does not work.. each step will help melt the fear and depression.. get the music that inspires you heart.. maby rocky ..for your rebirth.. i say this only from care.. i truly wish you the very best finding your path. put make no mistake .. you need a path... much respect Oden

Hello rr11ccee. Sorry to read of your depression but I got no advice for you.





Good luck with your quest.

Hello rr11ccee,

I am so sorry to hear about the current mental state you are in. I can sympathize and empathize with your situation strongly. I have suffered from depression since I was about 8, and I'm 27 now. I have seen a few different psychiatrists and psychologists, and taken many different types of anti-depressants. However, my situation differs in that none of the medications ever really worked for me. I attribute that to my depression being more fundamentally based in destructive thought patterns than irregular levels of serotonin and nor-epinephrine.

However, the past 10 months have been spent in meditation and Nexus research, and I can honestly say I am finally on the verge of being able to consider myself a "happy" person. It may not sound like that big of a deal to most people, but to someone who has experience depression first hand, it's a BIG DEAL!

Regarding your questions...

1) I'm not a doctor, so I can only talk to you and respond as someone who has been in your current state of mind, and who truly cares about you. Sorry to answer your question with a question, but when the terror returned a week later, did you instantly link it to the terrifying hash experience, or did you just happen to be overwhelmed with terror one week later? Had you ever experienced these feelings prior to the hash experience? (I know you said "it all started...", but I just want to confirm )

I have read other threads like this on the nexus where post traumatic stress disorder is brought up as a possibility. My depression slowly came on and took a stranglehold of my spirit, it was not linked to a specific event, so I can not offer you much advice in this area.

Did the hash experience bring up past memories or deep emotional issues to generate the terror, or was the terror simply brought on by your inability to escape that state of being?

2) I can completely relate to being "amazed at the feeling that I was not myself". DMT freebase saved my life because it showed me that there was MUCH more to this life than what we perceive while sober. However, even seeing spirits, traveling to new dimensions, chilling with aliens, ego death, etc. did not completely take away those feelings of depression. This is where the Aya came/comes in....

I'm not very experienced with Aya brews with admixtures (on my to do list ). However, I have spent the last 6 months experimenting with combining oral harmala extracts or aya brews with vaped DMT freebase or Changa, and I can say the difference is huge!! People often refer to DMT as the Light, and Aya as the Cave here on the nexus. I couldn't possibly agree more. DMT freebase will completely blow you away, but IMO, the addition of harmalas is what allows the healing to take place.

I like to make a brew with 50-80 grams of Aya, do yoga for about a half hour, then take sub breakthrough rips out of my GVG until I am surrounded by healing spirits and positive energy. Although painful, I found the Aya forced me to dig into the roots of my depression, which facilitated true healing. Aya makes me feel like I have a teacher/mentor around that wants me to get over my issues and make it through to the other side. I rarely smoke DMT freebase alone anymore, because it can feel empty.

I no longer use sitters because they make me feel uncomfortable, but having a caring friend by your side is never a poor choice. An experienced shaman isn't a necessity, but make sure your sitter is aware of the power you are dealing with.

Again, I am not a doctor, but I found the most healing in exercise, meditation, and DMT + harmalas. I apologize for the long winded post but I truly understand how much pain you are in. I wish you well and hope I can help in the future in some way. At least know that someone on the other side of your computer screen really cares about you and wants you to get better.

Peace and Happy Journeys

From my personal experience - there is no large benefit in any supplement or drug.
After all YOU are YOU!

The scientific border will hate me for that, but my experience and those of many others is this:

The moment you witness how you feel, what you think and what you live
you become a concious chooser!

The more you are aware, the more centered you become!

Clean yourself
Become centered
Forget your mind!

Feel more

rr11

As I'm sure you know, sometimes you have to go through hell to get to heaven. I would recommend staying away from prescription Anti-depressants unless that's your only option. Thankfully, there are other options. Look into holistic health such as nutrition therapy, meditation, Yoga/Tai Chi/Chi Gong, homeopathic medicine, Sensory deprivation in a Floatation Tank, acupuncture, and especially psychedelics.

Have you considered Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation? It appears effective and much safer than ECT.

I wish you the best and hope you find something that works for you.

Oh, and Welcome to the Nexus. We are here for you.