I would like to describe a first and only experience with ayahuasca, in hopes that those who are more experienced than myself can find some meaning to said experience. Any ideas or thoughts are appreciated!
It began when falling into a dream-like state, where I could here a voice, perhaps mine, talking to me in darkness, but angrily and then she turned and began defending me, protecting me from an unknown. I was then watching scenes pass by with myself in them only being "above" the situations. In the first vivid scenario, I was on a shoreline standing in the sand, looking out towards the ocean where, against an orange and pink sky, my family was leaving me behind in a small motor boat. They either threw the life circle or it came out on its own, but as I raced into the ocean after them and attempted to grab the circle it was too late and I was left floating on the preserver, staring back at them as I cried to see only my mom looking back towards me and shaking her head as if disappointed in me.
I came back to the room I was in and found that tears were falling down my cheeks, although I could not understand why. Also, it happened that for a split second, I saw a lime green elephant in the lotus position smiling and holding his hands in a peace symbol before I slipped back to "sleep".
The next most vivid scene was one in which I was crawling up a dark and grey abyss. Other black beings were attempting to crawl up alongside me and I knew that there was no end to this Abyss of Sadness. It occurred to me that I am often sad simply because sadness is possible and that I should be grateful to be able to feel this emotion.
Upon returning once more, I was bawling uncontrollably, felt as though I could not move, that I was to be forever stuck in this odd state of mind, perhaps sent to a mental hospital even. It was as if I could not express anything at all, my body being a shell that contained my soul but that I no longer had control over, trapped in a prison and only being able to look around myself.When I attempted to move, my limbs were so so heavy and I began to "freak out". I threw up and told the person I was with to take me to the hospital, after I took some anti-anxiety meds I've been prescribed. When either those kicked in or the DMT wore off, I was left in a much better state of mind; however, I still feel scarred from the experience, and would like to know more about what happened.
Thanks!!