*This has been proofread and has a few grammar and spellings changes to be made, bare with me this will be done soon.

Well I'll just share a few tid bits of what has been running through my mind recently, a lot of discussion goes around about Dissociatives being escapist and maybe it's just me but I really can't see how?

I honestly have not used a psychedelic besides DMT and MDAI in over 6 months.

We all try and work hard in life, at least I assume most do; I know I do. I work 9 hour days doing physical cleaning the insides and outs of cars, then in the afternoons and weekends I work freelance as a landscaper, cutting up my hands and straining my back; I'm not complaining though, I love all my work I'm just giving you a background. On my free time I read, write, and help stay active fighting against draconian attitudes on the closest NATO base and working on my Friends of Coca Leaf Club. I have little time for trivialities, I have even less time to vent my emotions and vent my concerns and thoughts about the fucked up planet we share.

I am writing this in response to remarks about how Dissociative users think they receive tons of insight when they are under the influence but when they return it's all just nonsensical mumbo jumbo, please consider by writing this I am not directly attacking anyone or trying to be aggressive. I am merely displaying myself and how my use of these compounds has given me some of the most influential insight into my life and world. I feel that by perhaps prodding the elitist attitude of this forum I may show some of you the many possible sides of any entheogen/substance use. I understand that this is the DMT-Nexus and not the Dissociative-Nexus, I hope you understand I am merely sharing my experiences, I am in no way trying to change the mood or feel of this place, I love it enough as is. Especially since DMT use was very influential to my Dissociative use and deserves mention in this post.

Anyways on to things as the have played out, I have been a Dissociative user for over 6 years a few years touching on abuse, I have been using Psychedelics both Tryptamine and Phenylethylamine for about 3 years now. My Dissociative use has lead me on the path I am today, if it was not for them I would probably of never found myself here on the Nexus at all.

Those who know me will tell you when I am sober I am a very rigid person, going about my work and research in a very methodical manner. I am not very open about my emotions nor am I very vocal about what demons and depressions I keep deep inside; believe me I am very good at hiding them, I have been heavily depressed for about 8 years now. I have dealt with this depression in various ways both harmful and positive; at times turning to alcoholism, opiate addiction, as well as running away from myself and society. Other times I have tried meditation, yoga, entheogen/dissociative use and exercise as therapy; the latter seems to work much better for myself at no surprise.

Many people will tell you Dissociatives have an escapism side, well doesn’t most anything? A drug cannot truly help you escape in any way, anyone with long-term depression and drug-problems I think can tell you this. So what have I done? I have turned the sides, I have decided to stop running from myself, to use these drugs to confront myself and my emotions and to bring them out into the light of judgment.

So now we digress further, this week is my first week off of a long-term about 5 months opiate relapse I found myself yet again running from society and running from myself. I was originally planning on using traditional psychedelics to help seal the deal and allow myself a fresh start in a new light, due to work and due to timing I decided against this and instead I found myself working with a compound I find highly therapeutic. This compound is very new but was originally designed for emotional and physical therapy; this compound is called Methoxetamine.

I worked a full heavy week this week taking the time at home during my nights with my books and my girlfriend in preparation for the long sessions of self-denial and emotional strain I was to put myself through. A short note about myself, Dissociatives in low doses may be fun but in high doses they confront me with myself, they display my flaws in plain painful sight.

I do not recommend my decision to anyone, I decide these things for myself and I have no fear or regrets of the consequences of my actions. I dosed nasally about 75-200 mg. on 4 nights taking a break of a day in between. As I reached the hole on each night I had prepared 30 mg. of N,N-DMT freebase for vaporizing. I will not junk down this post with all my reports of hallucinations and visuals I will merely stick to what’s important, my insights and my integration of them into my life.

The first few nights I attempted this on lower doses of 75-100 mg. Methoxetamine, with vaporized Cannabis indica as I would come-up; during this time I received lots of energy. Not just physical energy but emotional energy, I began to see the things in my house that were out of place. Rotten food in the fridge and unsorted notes and plants littered about. The first few nights on Methoxetamine I spent mainly cleaning and organizing my physical life, it's like my body knew that the house needed to be in preparation for what was to come later on.

I organized all my organic foods, properly labeled and sorted, I caught-up on all my personal and business emails, also I cleaned my whole house and started laying out ideas for my front garden that at the moment is in a total wreck. All these urges to clean and prepare were brought out under the influence of Methoxetamine, keep in mind all these things are parts of my life that suffer dearly when I am in my depressed fuck it all mood.

Each day I woke up to my newly organized and cleaned house with a clearer head and stronger intentions and desires for what I wanted to do with my day and my life.

The last night was the one that really got me, I had prepared to dose high and I made sure my girlfriend was over on watch to make sure if anything I would not hurt myself or my house. Things started out as they usually do when I take Methoxetamine, a strong desire to get physical things sorted and a desire to be social about issues and problems in the world.

As the dose increases from 150 mg. to 200 mg. I start becoming less and less connected to the physical world, my mind begins to flood with thoughts about our world today. Connections are made between the sick societies we live in now, how Pharmaceutical drugs are pushed upon the mentally 'weak', sick, and young. It almost seems as if I can see the reality of the world, the sick-Nazi mentality of slowly and surely drugging and killing off those emotional groups that seem unfit for society as a whole. I begin to question myself, who I am, why do I enjoy the things I do in life; why plants, why do I care so much about helping people around me instead of myself? Is it because I cannot truly love myself, no this must not be it. I love who I am, I love the things about myself that make me who I am. It is the world that does not love me; it is those that say I cannot work based on what I wear and what I choose to say. It is those that oppress me and it those that shape and mold our society into what it is that bring me down and keep me down?

But I cannot put everyone else at fault for what I have been doing to myself, it is I who was running away after all, it is I who was becoming short tempered and short with those who I love close to me.

Is it not up to me to change and shape the world? Is it not up to me to help myself become happy and help myself realize that I can become comfortable with myself?

As I hit the 200 mg. mark my head becomes a swirl of self-conflicting questions and self-judgment, I start to question the sole meaning of myself; why must I carry these weights on myself, why must I always fill my head with images of burning garbage in India and Africa? Why must I feel the sorrow and the pain of the thought that runs through the heads of those in the countries my country invades and my country drops heaps of metal filled with toxic, explosive chemicals to burn and destroy those that a few men thousands of miles away deem useless because of their culture and their history?

Why must we all shed blood and constantly cut, shoot, and starve one another for the benefit and greed of ourselves? Is it possible for us to live for the sole purpose of seeing the smile on each others faces, for understanding each other for who they are and who they want to become in their lives?

So many questions fill my head, even the question of the purpose of my goal comes to mind, What am I doing on this drug? Am I really just running away? No that’s impossible how I can run away with all these images and thoughts flowing into my head at such a speed I am at a loss to write them down. I agree with the fact that Dissociative users think so many connections are going because it's true; so many connections are occurring. I must focus, I must focus on these things I will not loss these ideas to oblivion, this is just like picking and trying to understand the fleeting impressions DMT leaves us with, is it not?

As I lay on the floor now in my kitchen, my head filled with images of starving children; bones slipping from the skin because the body decides to savor every last bit of resource in hopes of escaping death. I lay here, amongst all my food and all my luxuries, for what? Sometimes it surprises me how those with the most can live with themselves, at times I cannot.

I am not hungry I have not eaten all night, how could I possibly eat? Who the fuck am I to eat? Why do I deserve to have all this while others have nothing, and I am complaining how I am sad, how I have it hard? Everything contradicts itself, my own wealth fuels my own depression, everything seems to sink in; I can feel the pull of the hole. I feel as if I have died, I have passed on from living this mortal life of constant running and crying to an empty abyss of nothing. Is this death? Is this what it really means to love the world and pass on, you get nothing but memories of pain and suffering?

I lose myself, I forget myself for who I am and what I am, and I am alone totally alone.

Is this what I wanted? Is this what I need, to be closed off and sheltered from everything?

No, I will not accept this, this is not who I am.

I feel the power, the opening of the Dissociatives, the ideas are there; the conflicting ideas and meanings are there, I must grasp them, I must make sense of this. This is what I am taking this for after all. I pull myself up, or at least what I can recognize as a poorly frail sack of flesh, I look to my girlfriend holding my dog she tells me I am alright, she tell me I need to let go to release these emotions and to bring it all together.

I grab my DMT-vessel, an odd sphere of clarity lite by a flame in the swallowing darkness, I vaporize and I inhale deeply. After my second inhale the pull is so strong it melds into the hole I am already in. I understand this is all hard to follow, as I reach what we all call hyperspace I see nothing like I usually see. There is no warm greeting entities, there is no fractal patterns reflecting love and insight; it is dark. The power is there though, the DMT swirl and it brings my conclusion to me, you yourself must create the love and joy here, and you yourself must learn to flow with the patterns themselves.

The Dissociative has changed hyperspace; it is not the bubbling intense crazy carnival of lights and sounds promoting nonsensical love and insight. I must make the insight myself, I must work and create the flow myself; suddenly things begin to fit together sense is being made; the DMT has altered the insight. I release the burden on my back; I cannot and should not worry and fear for the things I cannot help. I must make the light myself, the power is there; but it is up to me to create and make sense of the love.

As I return from launching, the hole seems to fade as well; a serene calmness comes over me.

I realize the grand lesson, the lesson Psilocybin taught me so many years before that I lost in confusion. You must always flow and let things flow, I am like a ripple in an ocean of water.

If I can create an effect and the ripple spreads to whoever I overlap then so be it, I must make my intentions positive and with love. My love will ripple out from me and spread across the whole ocean we inhabit.

I cannot carry the burden of the world, carry the opinions and ideas of those sick, perverted individuals that hold us back and repress us all. I must use this clarity and this insight to change my effect, and through this effect I can change the ocean. We can all change the waters we swim in.

The message was simple, the meaning was clear; the insights may have been foggy but the message is clear. It was the golden rule that so many of us forget with time, that true happiness and true power and love comes from helping those around you. Only through this can we ourselves be truly happy.

I woke up the next day feeling like I had the weight of the world taken off my shoulders, I saw everything clearly and I worked a full 8 hour day; full of smiles and good intentions. After work I prepared flyers and posters, I smoked a bowl and I grabbed my drum. This afternoon I will Occupy SHAPE; I will talk to those around me, I will spread the ideas and the insights that I have just realized through Tryptamine and Dissociative use.

I finish this now on Sunday, my last dose was on Wednesday and I worked all day in the yards of people who do not have the time to work and touch nature themselves. I received many smiles and many thanks for my work, I once again feel behind my heart and soul that eternal love and warmth that is being human.

I have no desire to take a Dissociatives nor a Psychedelic drug right now, I have received my therapy, I have gained my insight. I will now do what I should always do, and that is take this insight and run with it; take this love and spread it to each and every person I meet.


To those of you that say Dissociatives are for escape, I say do not use them; and please do not give them a bad name. These things in combination with Tryptamines are what has in a way kept me going and in a way brought me here.

Thank you all for allowing me to share my experience.
Love and Peace to every one of you, it is up to us to change the world and not just ourselves.

-Untm

very good read and inspirational to me. thank you for sharing that. the ying yang really works =)
i myself am trying so hard to get back into that state of mind you recently obtained but i am seriously struggling as of lately.

Wow. I resonated with a lot of that, indeed many of the same thoughts have crossed my mind many times. MXE is powerful stuff and I have seen a lot of potential in it as a therapeutic tool, which I can see abundantly in your report also - lets hope it does not get banned too quickly - although I have a horrible feeling it is already headed that way where I live at least.

I can't wait to try the combo of MXE and Spice, although I'm still getting to know both compounds well enough that I would be comfortable with that sort of obliteration. I have also found that 40-50mg along with a couple of bowls of cannabis will get me into a very deep hole complete with faint CEVs, so I can only imagine what 100-200mg would be like WITH 30 mg Spice!

Fait play to you though mate, and thanks for sharing, I really enjoyed reading that

This is a beautiful post. Thanks, Untm.

Thanks for sharing this untm. I felt like i was right there with you brother

"I realize the grand lesson, the lesson Psilocybin taught me so many years before that I lost in confusion. You must always flow and let things flow, I am like a ripple in an ocean of water."

Well said.. I've gotten that same grand message from the mushrooms time and time again, and lost it in confusion many times in my life as well