Loaded ~30mg DMT in a bong with no water today.
Me and my friend and 2 of his friends we're in the room watching. I don't know why, but earlier today I had a strong calling to smoke the spice. (Motives were to achieve self-acceptance because of personal issues I've been having). And the time just seemed right.
When I was taking the first hit the bong was filling up a bit so I took it in and held it, not much happened but the walls breathing. Then I let my friend take a hit and it filled the whole bong and I knew he was going to blastoff, which he did. I then took another hit filling the chamber more and held it in. I was getting an intense body feeling and my first reaction was to panic. I was very afraid of breaking through for some reason even though I have before and was called to earlier in the day. Then I was "tripping", not breakthrough but tripping. I thought I was a part of a "prank" or something and thought the DMT was playing a sick trick on me (that's all I can really say I don't even understand it myself). Rode that out until the trip ended. Basically it was unpleasant the whole way through. Didn't even focus/enjoy the visuals because I was so uncomfortable.
I am very annoyed by this. I have now smoked DMT 4 times with one breakthrough. My first two times we're enjoyable. And after the second time I even was excited about doing it again! My third time was a breakthrough and it was very very weird but a life changing experience that held a small amount of terror in the beginning but got over it and enjoyed the ride. I do not regret it at all!
This time however that terror seemed to have lasted the whole time and I didn't even come close to breaking through! It just came out of nowhere. I think set and setting had a LOT to do with this. My friends two other friends we're not very serious about it and being very annoying/joking around the whole time. I think I knew in my heart that this was the wrong place to be doing DMT but I was already tripping so couldn't do anything about it.
Coming down from my peak though I also realized that maybe the things I THINK I want in life are maybe not the ones I ACTUALLY want. This also frustrates me because if I think I want it but I actually don't then how am I supposed to tell what I REALLY want? Is this DMT's way of telling me that DMT isn't right for me? I've wanted to use it as a introspective tool to better myself and quality of life, it's given me good insights, but this all comes afterwords and I seem to not be enjoying the actual journey. I read tons of reports about amazing beautiful things but I feel like I have never felt any of that :/ even on my breakthrough, it was mostly just freaky.
I really don't know what else to say. I would just like the nexus community to hear my situation and give their input, because I value it so so greatly. Thank you for your time.