I've been doing alot of personal work with myself this past year. Mainly trying to get to the root of one of my issues that is negative and hinders my personal development. Having gotten pretty far with it I am quite proud of myself. So when I sat down for another learning session I was and still am confused by what happened.

I was doing my changa meditation about two months ago in my usual spot in a secluded grove near my home. My lighter was being finicky so I decided to take a fat changa hit And not waste time. I had my intent ready and inhaled deeply. I was taken to a place I'd never been before. Everything was chaotic and I felt like I was bring thrown, falling and tumbling head over ass. I had no direction and became very confused. Then I witnessed something big. I finally saw the root of where my main problem comes from. Something happened to me in my childhood? A memory or vision of how things were or became this way? I'm not sure. Immediately after seeing this I was kicked out of hyperspace. I had the distinct feeling that I saw something I was not supposed to see. Or was not ready to see yet. I came back to my body extremely disoriented and confused. Moreover, I had again completely blacked out whatever it was that I saw. This was the most irritating.

I thought about this experience over and over again, trying to remember or figure out why I was kicked out. I still can't figure it out. With this in mind, I decided to try again. This time with DMT alone, something I hadn't done in a while. This was a mistake. I had been drinking, which is something I've been wanting to quit for a while as it leads me to turn into the person I'm trying to evolve from. I am not an alcoholic (though I used to be), but I just hate what kind of person I become, and what I do when I drink. I'm almost seven weeks sober now and can gladly say that I am done with alcohol for a very long time, if not forever. Back to my original point... So I'm drunk, already doing the things I've worked hard at leaving behind, and now have my pipe in my hand. For whatever reason, I believe this is my spiritual experience, albiet tainted with alcohol and regret at recent actions.

Taking the pipe in my hand, I light it and inhale two huge puffs And head to lala land. I'm not sure what happened or what k saw but this time instead of being kicked out, I abort the experience. I literally felt my ego freaking out, saying fuck this, we're out of here. In the middle of the peak I find myself back in my body, soberish. I'm guessing what happened was that I/ego couldn't handle it and aborted. Which is bizarre to me because I had no idea I or anyone could actually pull themselves out of a hyperspace visit. I'm literally dumbfounded by this.

Sine then I haven't done any changa or DMT work. It's now approach two and three quarter months. Instead, I've been doing more work while sober, but my determination and will to do this has dropped dramatically. I don't think I'm scared of doing the work, but I could be. I feel like I've found the source of my issue And I wasn't ready to yet face it. Maybe that's why I haven't worked at It more, my weaker self/ego is so opposed to having the problem solved that it is refusing on all counts. I guess I'm just wondering, where do I go from here? I feel I've overlooked something. Something so obvious its right in front of me but I'm blocking it out. I mean, if I saw something in those visions that I wasn't ready to deal with, why were they accessible at all to me? I really thought that I was doing good and that I was moving in the right direction. How do I move forward when I don't know where to start?

hey morbid doctor,

I'm not really sure how it comes to these experiences but I've had a few experiences with similar results, blacking out, or feeling like a switch in my mind went to NO instead of YES and blocked the experience from happening, I've had my being split in two and one experience the trip while the other was completely oblivious, and I've had experiences where I felt unwelcome to the point of nausea and almost vomiting. Sometimes I think it's the immediate moment that makes these experiences this way, and I'm sure it's part of it. Other times I feel there is something deeper that is doign this. Lately I've had much trouble with issues internally and these all seem to contribute to my difficulties with dmt.

The last experience I had however was very different and surprisingly good; perhaps even the first real break through that I had without blacking out most of it. What happened however was that on my first try I accidentally only inhaled about half of the spice leaving me with a very mild experience. I hit the pipe again after half-baseline, and got another very very mild experience, basically only colors and shapes. Then I loaded again and took in the full dose, still somewhat stimulated from the past two experiences, so the anxiety was lower and my mind was already kind of ready to enter the other space. And then - I got a brilliant breakthrough, more clear than anything I've ever experienced, total immersion, total full-on entity contact with full conviction that I WAS REALL THERE.

My conclusion is that doing a small dose before the big one might help you to ease into the experience, could put your mind in a more receptive state, fighting the alteration less, etc.

On the other hand of course just letting time pass and trying to heal, change, grow, transcend etc. by other means can also be a good idea. Whether you choose other entheogens, other administration (i.e. pharma/aya) or work on it by contemplation, meditation, etc. shouldn't matter. at some point you will not be the same any more and the experiences you will have will have changed as well. How long this takes, no one knows. I'm pretty sure many of us here have goen through similar periods where a break was necessary.

In any case I wish you well and hope you can push through whatever barriers you find yourself confronted with. Think of them as steps to climb; you will grow from them, you will ascend to higher places through them.

Much love

Keep working at it . Don't get too hung up on the details .
Work on your mindset before journeying . Try to get in a really good
Headspace . Work on setting , go to a special place
Someplace that you
Have to work to get too like a climb or a long hike to a secluded significant
Place. Just witness all the stuff that comes up . Set a whole day aside make a commitment
To learn about yourself and be open. Give yourself a physical workout .
It does something trust me, a small bit of personal satisfaction goes long way and
Can set you up for some real work with spice . This works for me .

Memory is a tricky thing. It could very well be that you just chose not to remember your experience on some deep level.

Whether or not there was an interval of time missing between your last memory and your coming to, "soberish" is probably not that important at this stage anyway, TBH.

It seems you should take a break for a while. Use other methods to work on and integrate what you have already learned. That is just the feeling from reading your post. Perhaps hypnosis or rebirthing could help dredge up the information that you repulsed on your last two journeys. Sensory deprivation (aka floatation) tanks can be useful for a gentle reconnect. And as Enoon said, meditation...

Don't stress about it though. IME nobody remembers everything in any Hyperspace journey.

If you decide to get back to entheogenic work at some point, perhaps the slower, less intense pace of Aya might be better suited for what you need. Anyway, I would be gentle. Stay shallow for a while. Mini doses, micro-vapes. You already know the full-on breakthrough... don't feel compelled to go all the way. I'm guessing that MUCH smaller amounts can be more therapeutic for you.

Alcohol can make a person overconfident when it comes to smoking DMT... and may spoil the memories. Not a good combo.

I was once encircled by furious 60 feet lions roaring in my face about never ever abusing DMT while drunk again.

I agree, you should look into lowering your dose and doing some 'lower level' work for the time being. Also smaller dose before the main event is generally how I do things these days, it eases the transition a little and memory recall etc seems much easier.