Iboga and the Ego
The reason I took Iboga was in the hope of achieving the level of consciousness that elevates above all my emotional problems and psychological tantrums. Quitting smoking did not matter much to me, but I can’t really smoke so far. And I tried it. Would do nothing for me… Let’s see.
I took 1 gram of Ibogaine HCL and split it in half. Than mixed 500 mg of HCL with 1 gram of Ibogaine TA and took it. Then, separated a similar dose for an hour later. In about 30 minutes I started to feel a little weird and a metallic noise in my ear. In about 45 minutes I could hear the drums. I remember being amazed of how realistic they sounded. It was like they were being played in my ear drums literarily; then as I looked around things started to shake really fast. The ceiling was like a river of yellow thick cement, I could see it moving. My body was really heavy by now.
My housemate was sitting for me and a big mistake I now realise was because of us being good friends I could not resist in talking to him about what was happening. I realise now the full experience comes with absolute no lights and no conversation. I also moved around a lot.
Having said that, the things that I saw and the feelings I experienced are hard to describe in a way that makes any justice to the magnitude of them. But I will try my best.
After the drums and the furniture in the bedroom starting to really vibrate, I saw a huge spider walking on the corner of the wall above my bed. I looked at it and it vanished. My arms were moving around leaving a trace, like in those 1980s sci-fi movies. The music that was playing, my selection of life-tracks for this experience, was now sounding really weird and saying all kinds of stuff that wasn’t really in the song. My sound system has an LCD display that now displayed “FEARS”. I decided to stop playing around and closed my eyes. It was then that I saw an angel. It was a she. She was huge and blue with long blue hair and a dress which the gown extended far away from her body as she stood completely quiet in the air. She was looking up and I was not afraid of her … was just a bit amazed with the vision. I wish I knew who she was.
Then the face of this black man on his 50s with a brown beard, brown thick coat and a staff kept appearing to me. There were a lot of people speaking in my ear by now. Like tens of them at once. I didn’t understand a word; it might not have been English. I closed my eyes again and started seeing these African women dressed in amazingly good looking costumes. I have never seen Bwiti woman dancing, but was shocked with the resemblance today when I watched this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZMCArzqVeI The details in my vision were so vivid it felt like I was really there. So much that I would open my eyes scared to be sucked out of my house into that place. Closing my eyes again I notice I had interrupted the vision and another one was in place. I saw a guy standing in the corridor of an abandon building from a ghetto somewhere. It was really dark. But then a bunch of chains attached to his torso were pulled and he was left with flesh wounds and holes with dripping blood everywhere. When I looked to the side, the black man was there again. But he didn’t seem very happy with me. As if I wasn’t paying the experience the reverence and respect it deserved, which now I sadly know it is true. I feel like this man wanted my time fully dedicated to him and what he wanted to show me but I kept talking to my housemate.
One hour passed and I was in a completely different world. Although I could function (barely) in this reality, I wasn’t really here. I think only who went can understand what I am saying. Like this reality is endlessly distant and so insignificant it is just a bother.
My housemate brought me the second dose; I took a sip and vomited all I had ingested and lied back down. The real bad part started then; lots of sex and people being nasty everywhere. I felt like looking at this existence from above and seeing how lost we really are. People’s worshiping of sexual organs and striving to fit in and to save their egos. I saw lots of really detailed sex of all kinds, but all I felt was sadness and repulsion. Sadness because all these people were trying to connect their souls by using their bodies, then the body gain a temporary satisfaction but they have to do it again, and again, and again, and it looked to me the this life was so insignificant and foolish in the way we are living it that I still see everything different now. I’m a bit lost…
I realised then that I could not AT ALL relate to those people. It was like they were not of my kind. I was a spirit, and so vastly superior. The black man tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to the right. I saw my spirit with his left arm around the black man’s shoulder looking at me and smiling. It was blue and beautifully perfect. I immediately knew it was me. There was no question about it. But despite the smile, it could never be compared with this body. Compared to the spirit, this body is but a dirty, broken, machine that does not stand to the quality standards of its model. Nevertheless we are constantly identifying ourselves with a body and with our thoughts, be they conscious or subconscious.
The thing that saddened me the most was the realization the most of us are completely dead and will never wake up. We could be having so much fun in here if we only knew what really matters. I was given many metaphors, and one of them was that of purpose. This existence is plagued by a meaningless execution of tasks until we die. They are meaningless because we do not really know the meaning of them. We think we do, but we don’t. So we go to college to get a job, a job to get a life, a life to be happy, and then …. We are NOT happy. That is because happiness is separate from all of the material. We do the material out of love, not fear; abundance, not scarcity; joy, not sadness. Everything springs from within, and everything is within.
The last concept is hard to understand. But there is not really anything outside at all. It is all inside the mind.
I was shown a series of short movies, each one more crazy, abstract, and surprising than the other. But each one ended with an epiphany. I remember talking, explaining to my roommate my epiphanies. My eyes were closed but I could see him in the chair looking at me. I remember thinking about who was it that was talking. My eloquence was powerful and sharp. There was too much confidence. And when my lips were moving I was freaking out inside trying to figure who was saying all those things.
About 3 hours in I saw myself walking alongside the black man in a very wet forest with vegetation everywhere and we were walking on a small road full of mud. I started to talk to my housemate again but this time the black man really did not like it. It was almost like mockery what I was doing. And I did not see him again.
Suddenly I was standing in front of a being. I remember being his size, but he was a giant. In front of him was a counter with a line of hundreds of glowing blue light blue dots. The being asked, “Which one of these do you think is you?” I pointed to somewhere a little off the upper side of the counter where there were no lights to which he said, “That’s right.” Immediately, my vision became like a speeding telescope into the place I pointed. Then I started to see tiny particles, then these particles became celestial bodies, and passing very fast by them into much smaller worlds the earth, which was infinitely smaller then everything else I saw. It stopped at the earth, but I knew it could keep on going to the equally, vastly smaller. After that vision I was saddened to notice we do not know anything of real importance. And most things we care about in our daily lives will never even be noticed because they are purposeless and meaningless. We are governed by the illusion we created – deeply lost in it.
The vision carried on until 5am. I took Ibogaine at 7:15pm the previous night. The minutes felt like hours and the hours like days. There was no sleeping, but I felt as good as when you are deeply asleep, although fully conscious. My mind went a thousand mph until 9am when I decided I felt good enough to get up and pee. Boy was I wrong about that. I was really still very much deep in. Right now is 11 pm on the night after Iboga. I am still very much high and the music sounds weird and scary … Too fast sometimes. The outside world looks like a painting – not real. I can’t stop processing data, so I decided to write this.
So far I have concluded that my life’s purpose is to wake other people up. I am not yet fully awaken, but I will get there. It is also my life’s purpose to have as much fun as I can in the planet completely free of my ego. I had another epiphany this morning that made me angry. It came to me in the form of the following message, “The mind is powerful in its ability to create. It created the Ego with impecable skill. Beware of the Ego. It thinks up ways of sabotaging your awareness of its existence on the subconscious levels. It has an array of resources you have made available to it such as emotions, thoughts, creativity, and even your free will. It is by far more powerful and robust than you can perceive, because it won’t let you perceive such truth as it threatens its existence. But knowledge of the ego dissolves it – like darkness in the presence of light.”
I am not feeling happy and upbeat, as I hoped I would be. But I’m not really sure what I am feeling to be honest. I am not the same person, that’s for sure. I just don’t know who I am at the moment.
Will take the second dose in 7 days. Hope will be a happier one. And I hope the black man forgives me. I decided to postpone my Ayahuasca retreat to October. I would love to hear from you guys. Thanks.