So yeah as before I've been a bit down in the past coupla' months. A bit being an extreme understatement.

Basically same old story. Soulfood's life sucks. Soulfood meets girl. Soulfood's life's pretty cool. Girl turns out to have issues. Soulfood wonders why he attracts these kind of people (actually I think it's my warm, comforting presence )... Life sucks again... and so forth.

When I've been in emotionally complex situations in the past a well planned session with psychedelics can usually get me to the point of what's really getting me down, as usually I find I pick one thing to obsess over why I'm feeling this way, levy everything onto that, therefore making the one issue seem bigger than it is and not deal with the underlying problems that actually matter.

So yeah!... DMT! It's a great powerful friend, but with DMT recently I think with my heart. As good as the intentions of the heart may be, it's not a brain. The heart wants companionship, but unfortunately the heart does not control others. Another thing with DMT is it doesn't let you repress. Good! Repression gives you wrinkles and makes you scream in the night. Hooray for DMT! But everytime I touch this stuff it's been taking me back a month or sometimes two. Right back to the moment I realised I can't have this thing I wanted or worse... making me think I could actually have it, I will have it and it's only a matter of time. I need DMT in my life so it's looking like repression's not an option.

...but hold on? How do you get over something so fierce and true without repressing it? Surely that's impossible? No!

Get stronger, adapt and proceed. Right?!

Right!

So I'm practically jobless and uninspired to boot. These two things add to much much much spare time which with my extremely obsessive tendency's and a little negative reinforcement...
Well it's not a day at the funfair! It seemed that all I had the will to do was smoke cigarettes and phone a friend demanding that he cheer me up. It's good to phone friends obviously, but smokes before breakfast and all through the day? Eeeew! Right up to bed time.

So I've been told a couple of times recently that I'm getting fat. Never a good thing to hear, especially when you don't need to be told about what's in front of you when you look down, though inevitable when you sit inside drinking all day. Obviously that was the first thing to go. Not completely. A couple of beers every few days is more than acceptable. But hell I need that shit to sleep! So now I'm lying in bed feeling miserable not being able to sleep... well at least I don't have to worry about calories, eh?

*sigh*

Yeah did that for a couple of weeks. I was not fun to be around. You know? One of those? yeh!

So, having a conversation with elbowcups about his wife. I can't remember exactly how it came up, but she goes for runs and stuff. I was thinking about it in terms of staying in shape and what not as she goes to the gym and is in pretty good condition. 'Cups informed me that her reasons are less about the physical fitness and more about the feel good factor. At the time I laughed it off with comments like "sounds like she needs some real drugs", then went back to my life.

About a week later I do a double take. "What?... feel good? Lose weight? Fresh air? D'oh! Why in a silver monkeys pants aren't I doing this?!?!"

So I put on a baggy old t-shirt, some shorts and inadequate footwear and just run. I return 20 minutes later coughing, red eyed and feeling nauseous. I haven't really done any excercise in about 8 years so... yeah I probably should have eaten something first or at least started off slow. Did 3km... quite proud, but foolish. Certainly didn't feel like smoking though

So after what must have looked like a mild asthma attack I drink some water, make some pasta
then wait for the summer sun to piss off a little. Then I do the same run again. Only slower this time and with less walking intervals. Now that's the shit! Mentally I felt better than I had in ages and had a pretty good nights sleep.

Woke up in the morning with bad legs. Walking's fine but stairs suck. None the less 1st thing, have a light snack and a glass of juice then I'm off again. Pretty good run, once again but damn did I regret it later.

Didn't run the next day to allow myself to recover and got quite miserable for it. Not as bad as I have been, but I definately missed the run. However what I'd missed even more was the amazing DMT/rue session I had that evening Useful insight was... very welcome! Also highly beneficial to my current situation.

Ran again the next day, but a little longer with adequate nutrition, stretches and warmups. Legs felt good.


Just thought I'd share that as it seemed quite nice

Although I'm in a bind now... I'm an addict... to running! Once and I'm hooked! I want to be doing 70 miles a week in two years! Is that rediculous? This end of the post is probably more suited to a running forum but... I don't like other forums ... also I know some of you run.

So rather than having a cigarette first thing in the day, I run. Then I don't feel like smoking until early evening and then... I run!... I have a cigarette before bed. I tell ya... it's not complete success but it sure as shit beats chain smoking.

But the other thing is my friends think I'm going to mess myself up from running too much. When my legs were recovering I was doing some upper body exercise, but it doesn't have the same effect. I need to run!

Sooo who's running?... All the cool kids no doubt?

<3

This is an awesome read Soulfood! It made me so happy.

Yes soulfood, well written!
and of course all the cool kids are doing it. At least I am...
Exercise is extremely beneficial to your brain and happiness. Raises serotonin levels, which in turn raises dopamine levels in your brain. Gotta love the natural highs of life, and you can't knock the health benefits of being in shape.
70 miles per week is 10 miles per day, which is extremely doable in 2 years f you train consistently, push yourself, and stop smoking 'baccy.

Good for you soulfood, and keep at it.

I hope everything works out well for you, soulfood. It seems as though you're in the right direction by taking direct action physically. I've been meaning to start running just to get my mind off a few qualms causing gloom, but I never get around to actually doing it due to procrastination. This thread inspires me to start as soon as possible.

eating healthy, exercising and loving youself is a good thing. I was in a similar spot soulfood more than once. I went through a real bad phase where I was living in this dark basement with a crazy scottish landlord, and a roommate that drove me insane at times..I had just gotten back from the US where I broke up with my gf in a bus station in arizona. I hated my life at that point and sat in my bed all day smoking weed and eating pizza and drinking beer listening to bob dylan, when I was not at the job that I absolutily hated. I got very depressed and had some really really horrible thoughts at times and everyone around me was noticing it and telling me.

After a few months though I got sick of being that way..and I just started to go out and do things and try to forget about it..and slowly I did. I dont think you can force it..you can sort of force yourself to go do things but you cant force your mind to change..that just sort of happens along the way.

Part of me waking up for real out of it though was due to the fact that I got real sick. It was like my life turned to shit, and then on top of it I got very very sick for a period of time..most likely from a combination of all of it..unhealthy lifestyle all around. I felt sorry for myself for a while until I just realized one day I had lost nearly everything..all I really had was one friend that came around sometimes still and my family. I was depressed and sick and watched alot of what I called my life just go away.

I am thankful for it though, becasue I found myself in place where I had nothing left to loose. I felt like I had hit bottom. I had stopped caring about alot of things like trying to keep a social life etc and it was kind of liberating when I realized I now had the space to go be anything I really wanted to be. I realized that I could take things into my own hands and I got super in health and learned everything I could about health and diet so I could beat my illness..I realized how much I wanted a good life and promised myself to not comprimise or sell myself short ever again.

For 3 years I basically had a love affair with myself. I was not with a single person for about 3.5 years. It did not really bother me either..It was different than when I was alone any other time because I was truely focused on loving myslef this time..and I knew that I would eventaully reach a place where I would be able to offer everything I was capable of offering to the world.

I used to snowboard nearly every day after work, and skateboard and surfed alot before I got real depressed and then sick. for a while I didnt do much and I really realized how much I missed it when I just focused on getting to the beach as much as possible..it takes my mind off of everything else. Skimboaring and surfing for me is like the best meditation session I can imagine. I think it is important for people to have something like that.

I ran every day for a while..but honestly it felt like it was not good for me, becasue my knees and ankles and back began to hurt more and more then more I kept on running..I skateboarded alot as a kid though and hurt myself all the time. I think the important thing is that you find something that you like to do..I love skimboarding and surfing and I get so much exercise from that alone and try to get to the beach every day and it keeps me sane..though ayahuasca helps..I was mountain biking alot as well until recently becasue I am in the middle of the city now..closer to the beach though..

Im in a much much better place now, but 3 or 4 years ago I wouldnt have ever dreamed I would be where I am now..I hope you can find some peace in your life as well soulfood!

I run, walk, cycle, snowshoe, skate, ski, swim, play tennis, soccer (footy ) and masturbate to keep serotonin levels in check. Keep it up soulfood - the key to exercise is to do something you like so you don't realize it's exercise. And take it slow - let your body adapt. Nothing like aches and pains for a week to put you off exercise forever...

Glad to hear it's working out, and I trust you are feeling a little brighter.

JBArk

I run. No music. Just me. Feels great!

Very nice post soulfood. I really related to the read as I went through a very similar struggle / transformation somewhat recently as well. Keep it up my friend. That focus on fitness (kept in check) will do nothing but good for your mind, body, and soul (sounds cliche I know, but it's true).

I don't know if you're wise to the goodness that is coconut water but it's pretty amazing stuff for recovery after a workout. I'm addicted to the stuff and it seems to cut my recovery period from a workout in about half. If you try it I'd be curious to hear your feedback as well.

Anyway. Great reading your post my friend. I miss you and the many others on here. Life has simply been focusing me elsewhere for the time being.

Peace,
-idt

Soulfood, I'm glad you've found something that helps you cope. If there are no relationships to be had, and no good job, there is always exercise, which can be completely free. Exercise hard enough and you can really crack open your mind and body in a good way. And just remember, whatever you spend your spare time doing, infuse that time with as much love and care as you can. You will get love and care in return.

Fractal Enchantment, reading about your life reminds me a lot of myself in many ways, but especially emotionally. But you have advanced more than I, in shorter time. Kudos. I allowed myself to stay in dark places for many years.

If I don't exercise I die! I'm not joking. It's critical for me to do some exercise and sweat regularly.
Good post Soulfood and I'm glad to hear you found something you like

My thing is cycling. I cycle a lot within the city but it only takes me 20min. in a bus to get out of the city to a very beautiful nature with awesome paths to cycle.
Then I go to the gym 2-4 times a week.
If I want to have a good life I need to do physical exercise and eat healthy.

I love/am you soulfood.

Thanks for the great post soulfood, I cant stop and chat I gotta go for a run!

For those who don't want to run, I recommend CYCLING, it's fun, convenient, easy, cheap(depends) and is GOOD for your body and mind. And you can go to places you've never visited. Even to another continent if you got the guts

That's classic writing Soulfood...cheered me up no end.

(..but makes me sad not to have met you at Breaking Convention this year.)

You ought to see if you can develop your talent for writing maybe.

Anyway, it's swimming for me...just love the feeling of freedom floating in water...and you get to sit in the steam room first, which is paradise in our climate.

Great to hear you've got a new enthusiasm to obsess about - which (apart from exercise) is the real secret to life!

If you have a nice, foresty path for running, you might want to consider toe shoes! I have a pair (mostly for foresty walking, ah, I'm a bit lazier ), but I also used to live with a marathon runner who swore by them.

Toe shoes!

I cycle to university. Usually 10 miles a day which isnt a hole lot. It feels amazing though.

Then in that case... this makes me extra extra happy



That's very encouraging.

It's quite strange that I had no intention of giving up smoking because it was pretty much my one release and I had a solid purpose for it. I've always planned to give up in the future when that release is no longer needed, but it's such a welcome surprise to realise I can replace that with something so much more effective.

At the moment I'm just on an extreme cutdown with tobacco, but I'm definately realising a strong motivation to go all the way with it.




I hear that.

I've also been doing some standard weight lifting as my upper body has kind of atrophied. Just seems like all work no pleasure.
I used to love power kiting down a stony beach where I used to live. I got some really amazing sensations from doing that, the rush, the workout and of course the social aspect. Alas my current location is making that impossible. There just isn't enough space, no parks, just high streets, roads and farms. But in these arrid lands, I'm determined to get strong enough to harness the winds again when the time comes.

I also see it as a great goal to have the ability to run far away from this place without using a train



...and hence forth I make it my goal to be able to do all those things simeltaneously at such a speed to evade police capture.

Definately obeying the rules of pain right now.

It's quite difficult for me to not run at the moment in an emotional sense. I ran twice yesterday and this evening still had the slightest strain in my right calf. I was debating going out but in the end didn't... and now I'm sad

Still though, the recovery rate seems to be improving, so I guess I'm equalising quite well



I've tried with and without.

I think if I lived somewhere that was quite open and untouched I'd very much enjoy the sounds of the wind in my ears and the nature around me. However my locality sounds like traffic and angry inbreeders, so I think I'll stick with music... at least until I can run far enough to get away from it all



Looking into a suitable supplier as of now!



I think this is my ultimate goal now.

As said, my reasons for starting this whole thing were a sure quick relief to a long term problem. Now I'm on the train, I'm looking at the route map find a truly beautiful destination.

I was interested in doing different things to others when I was a child. Accordingly, as people would not see me doing the things they do, I was written off as lazy and was told I lacked motivation. Towards my late teens I started to accept that maybe other people were right and my confidence and ambition withered to practically nothing. Pushing this as far as I can is pretty much the only thing I know for sure I can achieve that's all on me.

Even after the very short time I've been doing this, I feel I'm starting to believe in myself for what I really am. I'm barely even warmed up



I will never feel lonely again




Thanks

Yeah... I feel like a prize douche for missing that thing.

It's strange, I only ever write on the nexus. Never had the need to do it elsewhere as I've never really had any relevant content. I don't even read that much, but I feel a good connection in this place that what I communicate will be understood. Whereas in my physical world... damn those people! It took me years to realise it wasn't me that was stupid

I also quite like swimming, I'm just not all that eloquent at it. But give me a snorkel and I'll quite happily paddle face down for hours



I may just even get a pair of those for dinner party's and weddings/funerals etc

Seriously... a bit on the pricey side, but I quite like the idea. May have to start saving. They now have me questioning if a shoe ever truly fits

Yeah... I'm kind of starting to question if I was ever really alive at all!

You can vape tobacco in the GVG instead of smoking, then pack that up.
Good work by the way, its nice to see someone getting up on it.

Great post. I been spending years feeling like shit and hiding from things, drinking and smoking more than I should. I ran once the other day, first time in years, I ran 2 miles. I know I need to keep doing it, but doing it middle of the day not advisable, and I've just been making excuses.

I swim and cycle daily, (20-30 min bursts) but the vigor of running, the quick step and demand on the heart, is top notch. I think I'm gonna have to join you and just run when I'm sitting around bored, thinking of eating. Swig of water, bite of fruit, run, run, run. Return, rest, balance, stretch, run moar. I plan on running 20-30 min twice a day. And adding daily micro doses of caapi. Hoping for some improvements. Cheers.