A friend of my uncle's doesn't have an account, so he requested that I post this short work of prose fiction for your editorial consideration.

Cactophage's Cactus Cordial

Materials:

* several kilograms of San Pedro cactus

* a cotton/polyester blend fabric (eg a collared shirt) for straining
* 2-3 large stock pots
* numerous bowls for collecting solids and liquids
* a sieve
* adjustable speed desk fan
* several large tupperware style airtight plastic containers

* lemons / limes
* honey
* spices (cinnamon, cardamom, nutmeg, etc)
* palm sugar
* a variety of strong tasting condiments, sweets, beans, miso pastes, fruits, chocolates, essential oils, preserved meats, petrochemicals, vegetables, etc, with which to mount a futile attack on the flavour of the cactus (optional)

Synopsis: This cordial requires several days to produce due to its emphasis on freezing and evaporation, but the potent and relatively palatable result is worthwhile. If prepared well, it is a translucent green-brown, with a complex and strong but not overwhelmingly unpleasant flavour.

1.1 Cut.

cut along the "valleys" formed by the ribs of the cactus, so that the cuts meet up in the middle and each rib can be separately removed. Stand each rib vertically and make a single cut down, removing the core and some of the white flesh around it. Set the outer and inner rib sections aside separately in plastic containers. You may wish to cut the core out of the inner sections and discard it. Chop the inner sections into 1cm pieces; place both containers in the freezer.

1.2 Freeze.

Each of these plastic containers should be completely frozen, and then completely thawed, 3-4 times. Strain & press the juice from both batches of solids after each thaw, and combine in a large stock pot. They will form the foundation of the cordial. Using a teaspoon, separate the green flesh from the waxy transparent skin of each rib, which can be discarded. Cut green flesh into 1-2cm chunks.

1.3 Cook cactus juice.

Bring juice to a gentle simmer or 110ºC (whichever comes first) and stir reguarly for 30-60 mins, adding spices to taste. Once it has lost the propensity to foam up with vigorous stirring, and any foam floating on top has disappeared, it should be sufficiently cooked that it has lost the worst of its slimy consistency. Do not burn or excessively caramelise the juice.

You can begin reducing this juice as per 3.1, adding the results of 2.2 as they're completed, in order to streamline the process.

2.1 Water extraction.

To a second large stock pot full of boiling water, add the green cactus flesh and a whole smashed lemon. Stir continuously until it returns to the boil, then reduce heat to a gentle simmer.

Note: The more water you add, the better the extraction, but the more you will have to evaporate off later. So, prepare ahead and be patient, and use a lot of water.

Note: Whether you want to include the white flesh in this extraction is up to you - if anyone's tried testing an otherwise identical batch with and without the white flesh, opinions / data on whether it's worthwhile would be appreciated.

Simmer gently for 2-4 hours, stirring occasionally. Whenever you stir, scrape any residue collecting on the sides of the pot back into the liquid and mix it thoroughly back in. Add boiling water as required to compensate for evaporation.

Separate the solids from the "cactus water" with a sieve. Strain (once cooled) the flesh through fabric to collect as much cactus water as possible.

Repeat this 2-3 times, simmering for an hour longer each time, until the cactus flesh is no longer bitter to the taste; at this point the flesh can be discarded.

Optionally blend the flesh in a food processor or blender for the final extraction, straining twice with fabric to filter out celluloids and other pulverised solids.

2.2 Water reduction.

Add cactus water to a pot and heat to approx. 60ºC; point a desk fan at it and stir occasionally until reduced to a as thick a consistency as the cactus juice; this may take up to several days. Take great care not to burn the liquid as it reduces in volume, or you will destroy the active ingredients.

This may be performed in parallel with the second and subsequent water extractions to speed up the process.

3.1 Flavouring & Reduction

Strain and combine cooked cactus juice and concentrated cactus extraction water, bring to a gentle simmer and add honey, palm sugar and spices to taste. Point a desk fan at the liquid and reduce heat to maintain approx. 60ºC; stir occasionally for hours / days until reduced to the desired volume, being very careful not to burn the liquid (especially when sleeping).

The resulting brew should be a concentrated, potent, but still translucent and quite drinkable light syrup (if you were judicious with spices and sweeteners), without any of the the thick chunky / snotty textures that makes some preparations so difficult to digest.

Notes / ideas for improvement:

A crockpot would no doubt make unattended reduction a lot easier. I just ordered two of them.

Centrifugal juicer - needs experimentation but expect substantially poorer results than w/ masticating juicer due to foaminess of material.

Cold pressed (via fancy masticating juicer) liquid is a manageable volume with lots of compact flesh in it, if lightly simmered for 30 mins to cook the snotty aspect out of it and lightly flavoured it's not too horrible (aside from the chunks). Wouldn't spend $400 on a juicer just for this, but if it had one already it's a decent way to rather quickly prepare something you can chug.

It would be badass to have a lab hotplate with a built in magnetic stirrer. They are, unfortunately, rather expensive.

Using a coffee press to squeeze liquids out of hot cactus flesh is an accident waiting very impatiently to happen, as is using a blender with hot cactus mush and a loose lid. Explosions of superheated cacti can be painful.

cactophage wishes to emulate action of the $2000+ norwalk juicer (essentially a meat grinder + 1 ton hydraulic press). It hopes that some cheesecloth, 4-6 cheap C-clamps and a thick plastic breadboard cut in two will help to squeeze every last drop of juice from lysed cactus flesh, vastly improving the efficiency of this tek. Updates to follow.