I think the first truth above all is that too much of this stuff
Can induce a dark disconnection and mild to not so mild
Temporary insanity . That means time to lay off it . The endless new age diotribe
Is starting to get too much .

Play with fire get burned once in a while

Another fact is we don't even know what this thing is .

I dont think it's the light or the darkness but the interface where the 2 meet. To be honest this sounds like a grande ego manifestation..as above so below..great cosmic dramas play out even within the minds of single humans.

At least you seem to be talking about alot of shit I am sure you have been carrying around for years pandora..maybe take the time to try to see it as just that..alot of repressed and unpleasant past trauma brought to the surface. Better to deal with it someday than never. Although, only you can really say what any of this means, since it's your head..your trip.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

Okay, just trying to understand here. Pandora, are you saying you regret that you spent time doing DMT instead of becoming a mother? Or that DMT gave you specific visions of motherhood which now seem like they won't come true? Or....

elphologist

Nah, it's more like what fractal said, but without the repression part. None of that shit was repressed. I just never saw it in this light before. Like I said, in the past it was always about what was done TO me. This was about what was done (or not done) BY me. Those are only a few seminal days in my life. Seminal days for me are days when loved ones died, days of having felt personally betrayed. That's what that short version list of dates represents.

LMAO @ regret not having children due to doing DMT. I have done DMT for less than two years. Tumors removed the choice of childbearing from me seven days before the beginning of the Iraq war. How have I compensated by not being able to fight against the yawning darkness the way other people do (i.e. having children)? Well, among other things, by presuming I had the correct ideas on everything from how to raise a child correctly to how to make the world a better place. For example, telling people they could do this by choosing not to have children in a world that already admits to 7 billions and may actually be looking at closer to 10 billions sooner than we think.

No, I really think this might be what I was looking for, but it is a sad realization. I am presuming that once my brain chemistry re-balances (I read your post and I think there was a lot to it.) I will feel more contentment. It is scary-sad to mentally have to let this stuff go. I really thought it meant something. I really thought it was helping.

It helps in providing perceptual and cognitive possibilities not normally possible even long after administration.

In low doses, it helps with meditation.

I would not say this stuff helps with coping with ones existence or anything like that.
If anything, it only seems to deepen the rabbit hole. What you do with the shift is up to you.

Take the awareness and run. Or meditate with low doses. Or keep on truckin through the veil. Or. <3

I spent some time going over my life with a spiritual adviser of sorts looking at all of this kind of grunge and the goodness of my actions too. I got to look at what I did to people in both good ways and in bad ways, catalog it, and and see what my part in it was good or bad, helpful or not helpful. I did a lot of amending of relationships even going as far as asking people how they felt about situations in which I felt I had wronged them. I did this with my x-wife, my kids when they were in their teen years, my parents, and numerous other people. It was truly humbling to listen to their perception. A few people certainly amplified on the stuff that I had done to them, but for the most part people did not see me in nearly as negative light as I saw myself. I asked people how I could make up for treating them as I did, and I got some marching orders that I acted on. After all of that I have felt better, and I learned that I am about 1000x more down on me than anybody else.


I still struggle with this sometimes. I guess it is part of my journey and part of who I am.

So did Pandora leave? Bummer! She was the reason I came to these forums in the first place. I hope your still doing well Pandora.

She's still around, but mainly in chat. feel free to join some time

Ah I didn't know there was a chat. I'll have to check it out.

I have been there too, Pandora... in my way, for my lessons. What a huge thing to share with us ! But it seems to not happen anymore ... the lessons has been learned..?

I hope the pain has passed... and you feel stronger..! Is there an area of your body that is the emitter of light..? Move it around -gargle the light, splash in it, swim in it ... There is an ocean of light leaking through us into a desert of darkness - that is what we are here for - transducers of LOVE !@ Soaked sponges of Light !

Forgiveness..! Forgive yourself as much as anyone else ... Wring out the light .. ! And laugh ! Forgive to shed more light, a single tear can be worth a imposible blaze of light in the non-physical realms. (Just like in the movie Monsters Inc. ..! Laugh at the ego's foolishness !)

The cosmic Joke ! What a shock but then just laugh Hard !.. The few egoless acts mean everything !.. But the Joke isn't a mean one, it's to keep people duped into a reincarnation game. It's sometimes a 'secret' ... the elves motion to me - "shhhh", holding a finger over their mouths, before we go on ... and I get to see what all the fuss is about.. !

Laugh at the pain we make by forgetting the cosmic joke! Laugh at the Joy , or laugh at the silliness when everyone else doesn't get it ... ever ... until they come back again and again to learn most-terroizing-of-all ego-lessons, over and over !

Jesus reminded us so many times !

It's a horror to get an Ego-waxing, so forgive and shed some more light - you're Full of It !...

Friends,

I am bumping this post that I originally made over 6 months ago to briefly say "what I have learned," and that deep and meaningful integration is possible from very rough rides, even if it takes longer than I want or suspect it should.

I am leaving the original posts I made 100% intact below and noting that the original hypenated title of this report was No Need for Apology, by way of indicating just how despairing and raw my feelings were back then after getting firmly raked over the DMT coals.

Something huge has changed inside of my head. I will be hard pressed to accurately describe it.

At first after this trip I felt horrible. I was in a very dark place. Crying a lot, angry a lot, very fearful that any day, I'd get the call or the police visit at the door or . . . . just like has happened before and will happen again. Fearful that someone I loved would die, worried about my own inevitable demise.

But, I've lived half a life. I know about cycles and that humans are beings of contrast and that no extreme state can last. So I waited. I tried to meditate but my head was a chaotic mess. I read some and talked to some folks. I was horrible off and on in chat. Sometimes I was inspired.

As time passed a kind of acceptance descended upon me. Yet it didn't feel 100% right. I was sad. I did what I needed to do but my frown lines were deepening visibly. It's like I had found a kind of resigned mental state. Very, very low energy.

I would smoalk DMT with zero fear. It was strange. I felt I had lost my fear and I wanted it back. Yet fascinating because I realized how much of my personal "body load" was caused by my own hype rather than the molecule. Very educational.

More time and more trips including some key ones like the LSD/Hash oil breakthrough and a big integrative journey with low dose MXE and mid-dose DMT. As well as thinking, meditating, dreaming and living my everyday life.

As more time passed, I felt better. A LOT better. I felt quieter. I felt calmer. I could meditate better. I was still passionate but my anger/irritation/sadness/whatever had it's brief moment then moved on. Nothing could defeat my seeming permanent low-grade good mood for more than an hour. I had a lot of hash oil and that didn't hurt because my physical pain was down, but this is more than just getting high. This is a long term integration and feels incredibly deep.

DMT so often gives me what I need rather than what I want. This effect on my mind, this calming, this deep acceptance, this readiness for anything, this sense of being a sentient mote has instilled me with . . . . a quiet zest for life. Every breath is so sweet. Every moment is so exquisite. I know what's coming in the future. We all do. Oh man, this is So DAMNED SWEET!

At this point, I'm not sure I would have it any other way. What an amazing, breathless BLESSING. I am finding the most personal meaning in service to others, as always, but instead of feeling like a servant or martyr, I feel like a student who is being shown new perspectives when I take on these roles.

Family are starting to notice.

My husband said what I am doing is helping him. This makes me so happy, I couldn't begin to describe it. I hate to burden him with my suffering. What I am doing is helping HIM. I'm doing something so right here.

My father and step-mother - I told them I'm drinking b. caapi ayahuasca and that it cured my depression and IBD. Then we spent some time together. They were amazed. They said, "You've matured radically," and "We used to think you would die and be reborn a feral cat. Now we think you'll come back as a happy housecat."

I haven't lost my fight or passion. But acceptance and calm is behind it all. Fear exists but it is so minor that it does not touch my vital signs (heart rate, etc.). I love to breath. I love all of you. I love this life. To live in this time of easy DMT extraction, internet connection.

My brother and sister in law who know I do a lot of psychedelics and have heard my DMT rants and earlier told me they'd love me to do less of these things said to me recently in regards to my actions, "Amazing," and "Keep it going!"

This is not a bizarre kind of bragging but a way of letting me/you know that I'm getting positive external feedback from sources I love and trust.

Something big has happened and I suspect it might stick. I seem to be feeling a bit better each week. Meditation is now easy. I'm talking A LOT less in my regular/reality life. Time will tell and I am aware of cycles. Love and acceptance and a calm understanding that the Universe plays dice inform my days from wake to end with an inner (& frequently outer) smile, thankfulness and acceptance of the blessing and miracle.

Thank you for taking the time to read if you did.

Peace & Love

Pandora you are awesome! I have definitely noticed this as well just by chatting with you!

<3

..Pandora really inspiring thread! thank you..
i would give this to read to anyone who has 'fallen off the horse'/'stacked' on DMT before..
i too have been to the hell realms..and when there is nowhere darker to see, what more is there to fear? get back on the horse that threw you..
or, maybe like some say of the 'path'.."better not to begin, once you begin you had better finish."

..and you went on from that to be one of the kind souls who made me feel so at home here at the nexus..
(apologies haven't been in chat lately BTW)

i second house, you are awesome! peace & love to you..
.

beautiful story, its nice to get the time perspective over a dark experience,to get the real idea of the humbleness and than happiness it can bring about in the long term.
it seems like you had good things coming out of your Pandora box.....

EDIT:

We haven't spoke in a while, but after reading through this, I'm glad we were drawn together in chat. You were a great support through some of my hardest dmt trips. When I became self-destructive and spent my time begging for the end to come swiftly, when the darkness was surrounding me once again, when my emotional pain was only matched by my physical pain, you were there offering kind words. You spoke of our similar soul demeanors, and I just realized once again that there couldn't have been anyone better to lean on during those times.

I feel like this is kind of weird since we haven't met personally, but you did actually make an impact on me, Pandora. Thank you for that.

I'm glad that your path has lightened up once again. It hurts my heart to imagine you in torment. You are loved; always remember that!

Pandora,
Thank you a lot for adding this update. It's really both inspiring to hear how you and this state of mind have evolved in a general sense, and personally knowing you (as much as I can over this strange box of light and wires) it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy to see how you have come up on the other side of such darkness.

Concerning the general sense, I think it's super great to hear stories like this - self exploration, self development and all this stuff that in the end are key terms in the nexus world - they are not one blissful, colorful journey after the other. Things can get frightening, harrowing, and there can be stretches of thirst and pain and suffering. Some withdraw, others move forward... to have the courage to move onward, fighting to make it right, fighting to grow beyond the pain and suffering - this is truly admirable.

It's nice to see the integration having taken place, or ongoing. And no, I don't think 6 months is too long. I'm still integrating my trips from the beginning of this year, though I think I'm starting to understand them better. Pandora, I wish you all the best on your path! much love!

This is very inspiring Panda! Much love x